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WWF TNT- May 14, 1986

by Scrooge McSuck

Bobby Heenan

- Hosted by Vince McMahon, with co-host Lord Alfred Hayes. This week, Vince will be joined by a list of guests that includes Corporal Kirchner, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Hillbilly Jim, Jimmy Hart, Hoss Funk, and Jimmy Jack Funk. REALLY? THAT'S OUR LINEUP?! Where's Captain Lou and Nikolai Volkoff to save us?!

Guest(s) #1: Jimmy Hart, Hoss and Jimmy Jack Funk

Vince just can't wait to erase Terry Funk from the memories of the WWF audience. Jimmy Jack has a noose around his neck, acting skittish. Vince quickly mentions Terry's career-threatening knee injury at WrestleMania 2.

Hoss & Jimmy Jack Funk (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Andre Malo & Dan King:

From the May 10th episode of Championship Wrestling. The in-ring debut of Jimmy Jack, who made his first TV appearance at the recent edition of Saturday Night's Main Event. Terry was on his way out, so we've got a replacement Funk from the Double-Cross Ranch, and no he's not really related to Terry or Dory. The man behind the mask is Jesse Barr, famous for picking a fight like an idiot with Haku and getting the Rockers in trouble their first night in the company. Hoss immediately goes to work on Malo. Jimmy Jack with a whip and elbow, followed by a snap mare and fist drop. Whip and we get a clumsy looking double shoulder tackle from the Funk's. King gets brought in and Hoss lays in with forearms. Whip and Jimmy Jack with a hooked clothesline. King whips Hoss to the ropes and gets punched in the face by the elder Funk in the middle of the crisscross sequence. Malo is allowed to tag back in but is quickly tagging back out. Hoss takes King over with a butterfly suplex and Jimmy Jack hits an odd twisting powerslam for three at 3:03.

Back in the studio, Vince is still unsure what to think of Jimmy Jack. Hoss said they did what they promised, and that was beat the Junkyard Dog, but they paid a heavy price with the loss of his brother, so he called his "cousin" Jimmy Jack to get revenge on JYD. Hoss said Jimmy Jack would've competed in the 1984 Olympics if not for the boycott. Jimmy Hart calls Jimmy Jack “rough and dirty” and promises to get revenge on the Dog.

We return from a commercial break and we're "on location" for a Texas Barbeque. Hoss is riding around on a horse while Alfred acts like a snob. There's a giant tub of Barbeque sauce nearby. I wonder what happens with that. Jimmy Jack says he has 5 horses, one for any day he wants it. Alfred says, “he doesn't have one for Saturday or Sunday, apparently.” Jimmy Hart's carving skills leave a bit to be desired. Hoss is sad because his brother Terry is the biggest fan of holding Barbeques and promises Terry will be back (maybe 10 years later). Vince departs and leaves it to Alfred to wrap things up. He smacks Jimmy Jack's “grubby hands” for touching his sandwich, so they dump the bucket of sauce on him and string him up on a nearby tree. OK, this segment was pretty lame, but Alfred being humiliated is always good for a laugh.

Guest #2: Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

With Lord Alfred getting lynched outside the studio, it's Vince running the show solo. "Hopefully, he's alright." Heenan says it's a shame he wasn't hooked to the horse and dragged down the road. JESUS. He heard Alfred is 6'8"now. He compares the sloppy sauce on Alfred to having to eat with Uncle Elmer.

King Kong Bundy (w/ Bobby Heenan & Big John Studd) vs. Jeff Cripley & Paul Dose:

From the January 11th episode of Championship Wrestling. Cripley and Dose back Bundy into the corner, but they don't hold him there for long. Bundy rams their heads together (DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER) and tosses Cripley out. Whip and an elbow lays Dose out. Bundy with another double noggin knocker. Bruno jokes that Dose and Cripley are the handicapped in this situation. Bundy piles the geeks onto each other and finishes with a splash at 1:58, and yes, he did demand a five-count.

Back in the studio, McMahon considers King Kong Bundy a top 5 contender to the WWF Championship. Heenan reminds us that the cage used at WrestleMania 2 was different than any other cage used before, and claims the door was made too small for Bundy to exit, and Hogan knew that, being able to climb out. Who knew if the cage was rigged to hold the size of a man like Bundy? Heenan tries to call Vince a pampered child, but McMahon shuts him down.

Guest #3: Corporal Kirchner

Heenan refuses his dismissal, and offers to replace Alfred as the co-host, and says one day this show will be his. Kirchner is in Army fatigues and carrying a folded American Flag. Heenan snubs the handshake. Kirchner says when he's through with Sheik and Volkoff, they'll be seeing stars. Vince throws it to the footage of Kirchner, against "I think it might be the Sheik." HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW?

Corporal Kirchner vs. The Iron Sheik (w/ Fred Blassie):

From the May 10th episode of Championship Wrestling. I'd wager we're going to see Nikolai Volkoff at some point. Lockup into the ropes, Kirchner blocks a right hand and rocks Sheik with a headbutt. Whip to the ropes and Kirchner with an elbow, followed by a back body-drop. Here's Nikolai Volkoff, as expected, marching around with the Soviet flag. The distraction allows Sheik to recover and lay Kirchner out with a clothesline. Whip to the ropes and Sheik with a back body-drop. BREAKING NEWS: The British Bulldogs face King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd NEXT WEEK. Sheik hooks an abdominal stretch, but he doesn't have the leg hooked properly. Kirchner counters with a hip toss and drops a knee across the chest. Sheik rolls away from an elbow drop and chokes Kirchner across the middle rope. Whip and Kirchner with a sunset flip for two. Sheik counters another back body-drop attempt with a punt to the chest for two. Another whip and they bop heads for a double-down. Kirchner blocks a suplex and counters with his own. He sends Sheik to the ropes and hits the fallaway slam (Samoan Drop), but Volkoff runs in for the Disqualification at 4:20. Post-match, the assault is on until B. Brian Blair and Jim Brunzell make the save. Decent match, the non-finish was expected.

Back in the studio, Kirchner says it's been a constant war with Volkoff and the Sheik while Heenan acts like he's falling asleep. McMahon mentions Kirchner working in tag teams lately, with among others, Danny Spivey, the JYD, and George Steele. Vince asks how Kirchner and Steele would do against Bundy and Studd. Heenan says there's other places to purchase his wardrobe than the Salvation Army.

Guest #4: Hillbilly Jim

There's the sound of a pig squeal, so it must be Uncle Elmer's wife. What has 17 teeth and an I.Q. of 9? Uncle Elmer's whole family. Jim comes out with a guitar. I would've expected a banjo. Heenan starts picking a fight with Jim now. Jim says they got themselves some critters in Mudlick, including Weasels.

Hillbilly Jim & Uncle Elmer vs. Bob Bradley & Terry Gibbs:

From the February 8th episode of Championship Wrestling. Jim starts, catching Gibbs off the ropes and planting him with a slam. Whip to the ropes and Jim with a shoulder tackle. He catches Gibbs in a bearhug, then traps Bradley as he tries making the save. Bradley stays in the ring, drawing the ire of McMahon directed at the officiating. Jim gives him an atomic drop and throws a couple of soft right hands. Elmer tags in, has Bradley bounce of his body, and finishes with a leg drop at 2:30. Nice of the babyface to lay both his feet on the ropes with the cover, too.

Back in the studio, McMahon asks Jim if he'll sing us a tune later on in the show. “Don't Go Messin' With a Country Boy” was a popular tune, and maybe we'll hear more from Hillbilly Jim. Heenan calls it the 2nd best song he's ever heard before, with everything else tied for 1st. He's not into spitting, petting ol' blue and talking with Grannie on the porch. He asks if Jim and Elmer are invited to picnics to keep the bugs off the food... and that wraps it up, obviously editing some licensed music out. ("Even the messed up little kid in Deliverance could play an instrument")

UPDATE: Lord Alfred Hayes will return as co-host, NEXT WEEK.

Final Thoughts: Hoss and Jimmy Jack Funk attempting to hang Lord Alfred Hayes is too good not to mention and earns an automatic recommendation. The rest of the show is Bobby Heenan auditioning his comedy routine, and it's a lot better here than when he had the Bobby Heenan Show in the Summer of 1989. We're reaching a point in time where a big change is coming to TNT, but that will have to wait for a couple of weeks.

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