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Prime Time Wrestling - August 12, 1991

by Scrooge McSuck

- The 4th annual SummerSlam event is only two weeks away, with a Match Made in Heaven™ and a Match Made in Hell™ scheduled to headline the night, but tonight, exclusively in the studio of Prime Time Wrestling, is the BACHELOR PARTY for the Macho Man, Randy Savage. Don't worry, there's still plenty of wrestling to be featured, but when there's a party going on, who knows what can happen. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWF!

- Bobby Heenan is getting ready for the party when Jameson walks in. He hears over the radio about some escaped convicts on the loose, complete with the DJ directly answering him through some form of voodoo magic. I'd say Papa Shango was behind it, but we're a good 6 months before his debut. I'll just chalk it up as poor writing, since the voice-over work is the same guy who welcomes us to Prime Time Wrestling every week. Dumb AND Lazy, ladies and gentlemen.

- "Mean" Gene Okerlund, Sean Mooney, and Lord Alfred Hayes are having a hard time blowing up balloons. Okerlund accuses Heenan of gold-bricking for offering to put together the party and leaving all the work for them. Suddenly Gorilla Monsoon and Heenan show up, and they argue. Hayes bops him in the face with a balloon, and Heenan no-sells it, citing a visit to a children's hospital for why he's late. Then Koko B. Ware shows up (with theme music playing), as well as the Bushwhackers (with a 6-foot sandwich with a ton of sardines on it). Jameson eventually finds his way through the curtain and this is either going to be the greatest thing since Sliced Bread, or a party I'd rather not attend.

"Superfly" Jimmy Snuka vs. The Brooklyn Brawler:

Monsoon and Lord Alfred are calling the action. Snuka was just a body filling a roster spot at this point, so nothing of interest to mention from this point of his run. Prime Time Exclusive from a Superstars taping. Brawler attacks from behind with rights. Crisscross and Snuka with a big chop. Snuka leap-frogs a charge, sending Brawler falling through the ropes. Did You Know... the Brawler is a graduate of the Terry Garvin School of Self-Defense. Or maybe not, but Garvin was always behind him. Snuka controls, planting Brawler with a slam. Whip to the ropes and Snuka with a diving headbutt. Snuka with another headbutt, a back breaker, and the Superfly Splash finishes at 2:46. The Splash always looked good. No rating for squashes.

- Punch is being served, and Monsoon actually flicks his cigar ashes in Heenan's drink. "The Doctor of Style" Slick shows up to prove faces and heels can have fun together. If I were to put money on it, he would be supplying the weed and the prostitutes, but we're in a PG Era, so maybe we'll get the three heavyset women Heenan would trot out. The Sensational Sherri arrives ("what the hell is she doing here?!") and I wouldn't mind her in that outfit at my bachelor party. Okerlund and Slick make obvious "looking up the back of her skirt" motions. Jameson is chewing on his tie. She has a hate filled message for Savage and Elizabeth before storming off.

- The World Wrestling Federation is on Tour! Erie, PA on August 20th, Rochester, NY on August 19th, Toronto, Ontario on August 18th, Binghamton, NY on August 18th, Landover, MD on August 17th, and Baton Rouge, LA on August 16th. Prime Time Wrestling is brought to you by Burger King: Your Way, Right Away.

- The Bushwhackers have apparently promised "Stag Films". Bobby Heenan bleats like a goat, implying it's going to be something disturbing.

- Two weeks ago on Superstars, Sid Justice screams a lot over being accused of possibly having conflicted interests as the referee of the Match Made in Hell™. He's just going to make sure "Justice will be served." We follow that with a promo from Hulk Hogan and the Warrior, in a battle of trying to outdo each other in the over-the-top department.

- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper decides to join the party (who's playing the entrance music each time?!) and he's got presents. "The King of the Frat House" has a Roddy Piper T-Shirt for the Macho Man, and he has a case of "Budweasel" for everyone to share. Jameson starts one of the most pathetic chants possible, so Heenan chases him off. Piper talks about a yellow bus, the one that Jameson overheard on the radio containing escaped maniacs, and offered to bring them to the party. One of them is dressed like Abraham Lincoln, another like Napoleon Bonaparte, and a girl who I think is Alice from... well, figure it out (and no, not the Brady Bunch). I guess this is all they had in the left-over Halloween costume pile.

Paul Roma (w/ Slick) vs. Tim Patterson:

Squash match for Roma. Odd to see him without Hercules squashing a jobber, since they're teaming with the Warlord at SummerSlam to fight a Dragon, a Bulldog, and a Tornado. I think Hercules was suspended for some drug violations, but don't hold me to that. Roma avoids a clothesline and lays out the jobber with one of his own. Roma puts the boots to him as Gorilla and Alfred put over his physique. "You don't get to look that way waiting for a bus." What if you're curling weights while you wait? Whip to the ropes and Roma connects with a beautiful dropkick. Slick hops on the apron to give Roma some instructions. Roma with a series of back breakers as Monsoon tells us Slick is an ordained minister. Roma covers, but lifts the scrub up at two. Whip to the ropes and a Powerslam. Roma to the top rope and a splash finishes at 3:20. I had no issue with Roma as a worker. Unfortunately, he was gone shortly after SummerSlam, weakening the quality of worker depth further.

- Roddy Piper is having a conversation with "Clark Kent" as The Macho Man finally makes his arrival. Everyone chants "Macho" as he goes around shaking hands and punching balloons. Who wouldn't love to see a match between Randy Savage and a guy dressed like Abe Lincoln?

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine vs. The Black Knight:

More Prime Time Exclusive squashes! Valentine gets to face Irwin R. Schyster at SummerSlam. Lockup and Valentine shoves him on his ass. The Knight goes for a shoulder tackle, but it doesn't benefit him at all. Monsoon suggests this match won't go long enough to give the Hammer a proper warm-up. He takes the Knight over with a hip toss and quickly hooks an arm-bar. Valentine with another hip toss and an elbow drop. He misses another elbow drop, and the Black Knight rolls to the floor. Valentine follows as the canned reactions are hilarious. Valentine shrugs off some blows and dishes out chops in the corner. Knight meets a boot on a charge attempt. Valentine with a second rope elbow smash and the Figure Four finishes at 3:21 to thunderous applause. The crowd is NOT THAT EXCITED FOR BABYFACE VALENTINE.

- Gorilla yells at Heenan for dunking his pretzel into the punch bowl. He has a present for Savage ("you're leaving!") and promises to raise his blood pressure. He brings out "Zoha" (or maybe it's Zohan, but then I have to imagine a stupid Adam Sandler movie), and indeed it's a belly-dancer. "Single guys can do this!" Heenan puts a goofy hat on Savage as he tries his best to act like he's having fun. Slick REALLY gets into it, introducing the twerk about 24 years earlier than planned. Savage pressures Okerlund into dancing, and... well, you have to believe he learned to dance from Vince McMahon. Mooney has to remind Piper about his kids before he tries to follow Zoha(n) out of the room. You know what else is fun? THE HULK HOGAN HOTLINE! Call 1-900-454-HULK and remember to ask your Parents permission before calling.

- The SummerSlam Report that was taped earlier from the control room. Next Sunday Night on the USA Network, the SummerSlam Spectacular, starting at 7pm Eastern. Featured on the card at SummerSlam...

1. The Match Made in Heaven: The Wedding of Macho Man and Elizabeth
2. The Match Made in Hell: WWF Champion Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior vs. The Triangle of Terror, Sgt. Slaughter, Col. Mustafa, and Gen. Adnan. Sid Justice will be the Special Referee.
3. Mr. Perfect defends the Intercontinental Title against Bret "Hitman" Hart.
4. The Nasty Boys defend the Tag Team Titles against The Legion of Doom. NO DQ's or Count-Outs!
5. "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase defends his Million Dollar Belt against Virgil.
6. The Big Boss Man fights the Mountie with the loser spending a night in Jail.
7. The Bushwhackers, with Andre the Giant in their corner, meet the Natural Disasters.
8. Greg "The Hammer" Valentines faces I.R.S. It's the Figure-Four against the W-4
9. The British Bulldog, The Dragon, and The Texas Tornado face The Warlord, Hercules, and Paul Roma (for whatever reason, this wasn't mentioned in this report, even though it has been on the books for a while)

The Barbarian vs. Jim Powers:

Powers actually gets a ring entrance, complete with "Crank It Up" blaring to the delight of canned reactions. Lockup and Barbarian throws Powers into the corner. Lockup into the corner and Powers ducks under a cheap shot. Barbarian throws him into the corner again and dishes out punishment. Whip to the ropes, Barbarian catches a body press attempt and slams him into the corner for what feels like the hundredth time already. Powers goes for a sunset flip, but Barbarian blocks. Powers avoids a fist to the face and goes to work on the left arm. That doesn't last long. Powers comes off the ropes with a pair of clotheslines. Barbarian ducks a third and knocks his block off with a big boot for an easy three count at 3:41.

- The Bushwhackers are huddled around a television, implying they are watching a dirty film. It's just a nature documentary, and that still gets the blood going enough for Piper and Savage to huddle around them, too.

- Jake "the Snake" Roberts is trying to help the Ultimate Warrior get in touch with the dark side. This week's challenge is for the Warrior to feel what it's like to be buried alive. I vaguely remember these vignettes, but never thought they were turning Jake heel. I just assumed he was being creepy as he always was... just a bit darker than usual. Anyway, he's having Warrior dig his own grave, then Roberts covers him up to his neck ("Bury me, SNAKE MAN!"), making sure to have him go face-to-face with Yorick's skull, waiting for dawn.

Marty Jannetty vs. Kato (w/ Mr. Fuji):

No Michaels at ringside. I'm pretty sure he was out with an injury for most of the Summer, but again, not 100% sure on that. No ring entrances shown for whatever reason. Lockup to the ropes and Kato with a headbutt to the midsection. Kato goes for a side headlock, but Jannetty keeps escaping with head scissor counters. Kato rolls over into a cover, Jannetty bridges up, and takes him over with a back slide for two. They fight over a hammer-lock until Kato lands an elbow to the side of the head. Crisscross, Jannetty with a pair of arm drags before going to an arm-bar. Kato comes off the ropes with a shoulder tackle. Crisscross again, Jannetty hooks the arm, and goes back to the arm-bar. Kato blocks another hip toss, but misses a clothesline and Jannetty lays him out with a Super-Kick. They trade chops in the corner. Jannetty with a hip toss and a flying head scissors. Whip to the corner and Jannetty hits the post doing for a dive, and winds up on the arena floor. Kato follows him out and plants him with a slam. Back inside, whip to the ropes and Jannetty with a sunset flip for two. Kato tries a roll over, but Jannetty counters for another pin attempt. Kato DOESN'T miss a Super-Kick, though. Whip to the corner and Kato with a boot to the face. Jannetty returns the favor and comes off the second rope with a face-buster. Whip to the ropes and Jannetty with a diving elbow, followed by a Power-Slam. He goes to the middle rope and misses an elbow drop. Jannetty catches Kato coming off the ropes with a sunset flip, and it's good for three at 7:29. **1/2 Good match. I'm surprised Jannetty dominated so much of the offense for a decent-length match.

- Koko B. Ware is bored, so he snags Napoleon's hat and acts like him. We cut it to a montage of Savage sporting different outfits. He dislikes standard tuxedos, but then he starts wearing his flashy, rainbow colored jackets, and suddenly he's found the outfit that suits him best. It looks like he belongs on the Las Vega strip. Piper jumps back into the picture, shouting about having a surprise for the party. Maybe Jameson got to second base with Alice. He's got a SPECIAL PRESENT. It's a giant cake, and a girl named Autumn pops out as striptease music plays. Monsoon helps carry her out, no doubt accidentally on purpose copping a feel. There goes the skirt. Everyone is going crazy, as if they'd never seen a woman undress before. Mooney seems unimpressed. She removes her jacket off screen, giving us THE BEST PIPER REACTION FACE IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT.

The British Bulldog vs. Irwin R. Schyster:

I seriously have to watch this match after that last segment? I.R.S. cuts a pre-match promo about the national debt. Holy crap, I'm bored already. Lockup and Bulldog with a side headlock takeover. Irwin tries to cradle him for a three count, unsuccessfully. Whip to the ropes, Bulldog with a shoulder tackle. He takes Irwin over with a hip toss and sends him to the floor with a clothesline. Back inside, Irwin goes for the arm, but Bulldog quickly counters. Irwin nips up and grabs a handful of hair to counter. Bulldog with a whip to the corner, but a charge meets the turnbuckle. I.R.S. drops a pair of elbows for two. Whip to the ropes, Bulldog ducks under a clothesline and comes back with a body press for two. I.R.S. goes to the knee to cut his comeback off and dumps him to the floor. Back inside, Irwin grabs an abdominal stretch, and yes, he does grab the rope for added leverage. Referee Danny Davis forces a break, and Bulldog cradles him for two. I.R.S. remains in control, putting the boot to the Bulldog and grabbing a chin-lock. Bulldog escapes with elbows to the midsection, but he runs into a knee lift. Irwin with a lazy leg drop for two, then back to a chin-lock. He puts a foot on the rope to give the referee more time to be part of the match. Irwin to the top rope, and that never ends up well for him. Bulldog recovers and slams him off as he wasted time yelling at fans. Whip to the ropes and Bulldog with a back drop. He goes for the Power-Slam, but I.R.S. hooks the rope and lands on top for a near fall. Bulldog with an atomic drop, sending Irwin over the top rope. Irwin with a handful of tights to pull Bulldog to the floor, and they slug it out until we get a Double Count-Out at 9:50. *1/2 Fine at times, but we all know the problems with IRS matches, regardlessof opponent.

- Paul Bearer is standing by with another edition of The Funeral Parlor. He doesn't have any random guest this week, just a word from the Undertaker regarding Jake Roberts and his training of the Ultimate Warrior. SWERVE!

- There's a memo from security, directed at Bobby Heenan. He runs off, hoping not to miss any more dancing from Autumn. Maybe it has to do with our Masquerade Party Misfits? Jake Roberts shows up to give kind words to Savage, but his name isn't on the list, and he's not very happy. At least he's not dropping F-Bombs. He wants Heenan to tell Savage thanks for wasting his time. Thursday Night, Roberts promises to guide Warrior to the final piece of the puzzle, "maybe a little more than you want." Savage says if he came with a snake, then he's not allowed into the party. But... Snake didn't show up with a Snake.

Mr. Perfect (w/ Coach) vs. Mike Daniels:

Warm-Up Match for Mr. Perfect, scheduled to defend the Intercontinental Title against Bret Hart at SummerSlam. They certainly found some pasty skinned jobbers for this TV taping. Coach's insistence to blow the whistle at all times gets old pretty damn fast. Perfect laughs at his opponent's physique and slaps him around. He tosses Daniels to the floor and lays into him with chops. Then it's all over via Count-Out at 1:13. I guarantee this was taped when Hennig was suffering some serious back issues, and they made sure to have him do as little as possible. He cuts a post-match promo, promising it will be a great match, and that he's absolutely Perfect. Perfection is a higher acclaim than Excellence, after all.

- Jameson is being smacked around by Clark Kent and some goof is playing with some fish. Mooney ignores Jameson's cries about the crazy people. They're no crazier than the WWF personalities on the set. The men in the white coats with the net are here to pick up the loonies. Monsoon: Take your pick, I hope you brought a truck with you. They just say screw this and grab some punch.

The Legion of Doom vs. Duane Gill & Barry Hardy:

I always found it weird that during this era, they never really ended the show with a high quality match, just a random squash. Maybe if this were the Executioners I'd give Gill and Hardy better odds. Hardy gets knocked to the floor and Hawk deposits Gill with a press slam. Animal with a belly-to-belly suplex on Hardy. Hawk with a jumping fist drop. Gill tags in to earn his $50, over-selling blows like his name was Dolph Ziggler. Whip to the ropes and Hawk with a diving shoulder tackle, followed by a gut-wrench suplex. Whip to the ropes and Animal with a Power-Slam. Doomsday Device finishes at 3:12. LOD squash matches were typically fun, unless you were the guys in the ring with them.

- Randy Savage makes the "last call" as we get one last shill for the SummerSlam Spectacular.

Final Thoughts: Not a bad job reminding us about what to look forward to at SummerSlam. There's not much when it comes to feature matches (a good, short match with Jannetty/Kato, a so-so match with Bulldog/IRS), but the big take away from the show was the Bachelor Party of Randy Savage. Most of the humor was cheesy, cornball stuff, but everyone seemed to being enjoying themselves and that even makes lame material a bit more watchable. Such a weird, out of nowhere show to feature during an era where you kind of expected weird, goofy stuff. That takes considerable effort.