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WWF at Boston Garden
January 11, 1986

by Scrooge McSuck

- Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura are calling the action from ringside, unless otherwise noted.

"Leaping" Lanny Poffo vs. Terry Gibbs:

Poffo tosses a few rolled-up sheets to the crowd and reads a poem, kissing up to Boston. Calm down, Lanny, you got a surprisingly decent babyface pop before you did that (Boston crowds notoriously booed faces and heels in prelim bouts because Boston sucks). Lockup and an overhand wristlock into the ropes, where Gibbs complains of a phantom hair-pull. Poffo works the arm despite several attempts at a counter. Whip to the ropes, Poffo with a hip toss and back to his favorite move (arm bar). Gibbs sends Poffo into the turnbuckle but fails to maintain control. Whip and Poffo with a cross body press for two. Whip to the corner and Poffo misses a dropkick, landing on his head in the process. Gibbs dumps Poffo to the signature Boston Garden hardwood floor. Back inside, Gibbs blocks a sunset flip and drops an elbow for two. Gibbs with a back breaker for two. Poffo fires back with right hands but gets caught with his head down and nailed with a knee lift. Poffo counters a bearhug with a hip toss but misses a senton. Gibbs with an atomic drop. Whip is reversed and Poffo with a back body-drop. Poffo with more right hands and a dropkick for two. Small package for two. Poffo with a slam and the moonsault finishes at 9:15. That got a nice little pop from the Bostonian crowd, too. OK opener. **

Scott McGhee vs. Moondog Spot:

I wonder where Rex was, seeing Spot in so much singles action and randomly paired-up teams on the syndicated shows. McGhee is simply from "Scotland." Or maybe it's Scott Land™. Danny Davis is our referee, for those who care about that sort of thing. Ventura jokes usually people introduced from Parts Unknown are listed as "Weight Unknown", too. Lockup to the ropes and a clean break. Spot takes a cheap shot on the second go-around. Crisscross and McGhee with a hip toss and deep arm drags, sending Spot hiding in the corner. McGhee sends Spot into the turnbuckle with an atomic drop and unloads with forearm uppercuts before settling down, working the arm. Whip to the ropes and McGhee with a sunset flip for two. Spot forces a break in the corner and lays into McGhee with rights. McGhee with a late reversal and still manages to ram his own shoulder on the post. Spot with a suplex for two. McGhee fights out of a chin-lock but runs into a low crescent kick. Spot dumps McGhee to the floor and throws him into one of the barricades to the approval of the bloodthirsty Boston fans. Spot brings McGhee back in with another suplex for a two-count. Whip and McGhee out of nowhere with a cross body press for two. Whip and Spot blocks a sunset flip attempt. Charge to the corner and they both go down after bopping heads. McGhee with a snap suplex and knees across the chin for two. McGhee with an interesting dropkick for two. Belly-to-belly suplex for two. Whip to the ropes and Spot surprises McGhee with a knee lift. Spot goes for the bone, but Davis holds him back. The lack of focus allows McGhee to come from behind and roll Spot up for a somewhat fast three-count at 12:53. Lots of nothing early but picked up late. **½

Cousin Luke vs. Les Thornton:

Oh God, I don't know if I can handle hillbilly action, especially from LUKE. No introductions shown, probably due to them being too lazy to dub over you-know-what. Lockup and Luke grabs a headlock. Thornton escapes with body blows in the ropes, knocking Luke out of the ring. Back inside, Thornton with a snap mare and knee drop for two. Now that I get a good look, Luke reminds me of someone I knew, and that guy was a complete scumbag. Thornton with rights in the corner and this crowd couldn't care less. Luke gets a taste of the ring apron, not realizing it's the hardest part of the ring. Then he eats the post, which is also the hardest part of the ring. Luke starts no-selling, because he's a crazy, inbred, unwashed hillbilly. Luke fires himself up. Whip to the ropes and Luke with an elbow. He throws a couple of ugly knees and hits a swinging double axe-handle (think Polish Hammer, except awful). Whip to the corner, Thornton misses a charge, and Luke sits softly on his stomach for three at 3:26. At least it was short. ½*

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Tito Santana (c) vs. "Macho Man" Randy Savage (w/ Elizabeth):

Santana is basically a dead man walking at this point when it comes to being the Intercontinental Champion, with Savage getting the big entrance while Tito is introduced already in the ring. Savage taunts Tito and immediately hides behind Elizabeth. Once the bell rings, Savage wastes zero time running out of the ring. Lockup, Santana grabs a waist-lock and Savage goes right to the ropes to force the break. Savage grabs a side headlock and jabs Santana with a right hand. Santana blocks being sent to the corner and boots Savage into another retreat. Back inside, Santana takes Savage to the canvas and hooks an arm bar. Savage with a rake of the eyes to break the hold. Every little thing is getting a maximum response from the crowd. Savage with an elbow across the throat and choking with the bottom rope. Snap across the top rope and Savage comes off the ropes with an elbow for two. Santana fights out of a chin-lock but runs into a knee. Savage with a knee across the chest for two. He keeps going for pin attempts, but nothing to hold Santana down for three. Santana fights to his feet, throwing right hands. Savage cuts him off with another rake of the eyes and comes off the top with a double axe-handle for two. Ventura gets on Danny Davis for a slow count. Whip and Savage with his signature hook-clothesline for two. Savage hooks a sleeper and the bell rings prematurely. Santana fights to his knees and crawls to the ropes, forcing the break. Savage misses a seated splash, opening the door for Santana's comeback. He traps Savage in the ropes and lays into him with rights. He ignores the referee's count on several occasions, but the match continues. Savage dumps him to the floor and dives off the top with another axe-handle smash. Santana fights his way back in the ring and comes off the second rope with an elbow. Santana with the diving forearm, knocking Savage out of the ring. Santana gives chase and Savage throws Elizabeth at him. He takes advantage of the distraction and throws Santana into the barricade as the bell rings at 13:01 with Savage declared the winner via Count-Out. That seems highly suspect, but whatever. Took a little time to get going, but a strong match that leaves the door open for a return bout. ***

Bruno Sammartino & Paul Orndorff vs. Roddy Piper & Bob Orton Jr.:

This one should have the crowd in a frenzy. If anyone does the job, I'm putting my money on Orndorff. It's a pier-six brawl at the bell, with all four men brawling. Orton is sent to the floor, leaving Piper alone to take a pounding from both men. Orndorff is sporting a cast on his arm. I'll have to look up the reason behind that. Orton rolls back into the ring in time for a double noggin knocker. Orndorff with a blatant choke hold on Piper in the corner. Orton's attempt to make a save doesn't go well. Sammartino gets the tag but Piper bails, forcing Orton into the match. Whip to the ropes, Orton nails Sammartino in the midsection and drops a forearm. Piper tags in but Sammartino quickly recovers and chases him around the ring, only to be blindsided by Orton. Piper with a wooden chair across the back of Sammartino as the referee continues to struggle maintaining control. Piper keeps using the ringside toys to his advantage, sending Bruno into the steps. Back inside, an Orton distracts cuts off another comeback attempt. Orndorff manages to get the tag and runs wild with rights. He sets up Piper for a piledriver, but Orton comes off the top with the cast across the back of the head for two. Woah, that was enough to finish him at WrestleMania. Piper disposes of a Frisbee that was tossed into the ring and takes a cheap shot at Bruno on the apron for the hell of it. Orndorff sends Orton to the corner and clobbers Piper with the cast. Orndorff with a handful of tights to take Piper over with a sunset flip. Orton with the save, allowing Piper to wildly throw boots at Orndorff. Orndorff counters a piledriver attempt from Orton and lays him out with a clothesline. Bruno and Piper with the tags and we've got a slugfest. Bruno dumps Piper out and throws a chair at him. Piper avoids it and rolls back into the ring and we've got a CHEAP Count-Out victory for Piper and Orton at 8:43. Well, we should've expected a weak finish. Decent match, though not very scientific. **¼

Pedro Morales vs. Terry Funk (w/ Jimmy Hart):

I want to say this was recycled on one of the "Best of the WWF" Coliseum Videos, but heck if I remember. Funk taunts Morales with the branding iron. They're really trying to get over "Terrible" Terry Funk as his official name, but it just doesn't work for me. Monsoon reminds us that Pedro is a former Mr. Everything, having at one time held the World, Intercontinental, and Tag Team Titles (back when it was an accomplishment). Yes, we've got back-to-back matches of the babyface Champions that carried the WWWF for nearly 15-years. Lockup and Funk with a slap. They do it again and Morales gives him a little payback. Funk tosses Morales over the top rope, onto the announcer's table. Someone tosses trash into the ring and pegs Funk, and there goes security. Funk peppers Morales with rights, treating the match like a joke (in a good, heel way). Morales takes another tumble out of the ring, onto the table. THEN FUNK TAKES A SWING AT MONSOON! Well, that was unexpected. Gorilla even promises a payback shot if he gets that close to him again. Funk uses his wrist tape to choke Morales while Hart distracts the referee. Morales finally gets to his feet and chokes Funk with his own tape. Funk gets knocked out of the ring and introduced to the toppled ring steps. Morales climbs the ropes but decides against breaking his hip. That reminds me of Heenan teasing a top rope spot at the '89 Survivor Series. Morales comically winds up to land a right hand and tosses Funk out of the ring. Back inside, Funk's goofy antics are getting to be a bit too much. Funk gets the megaphone from Hart and whacks Morales with it for the victory at 11:16. Morales has the balls to kick out right after three, too. You're old and have nothing left, how dare you try and get yourself over like that. Bad match, but Funk's antics at times were humorous. ¾*

George Wells vs. Iron Mike Sharpe:

I have a bad feeling this is getting plenty of time. THIRTY-MINUTE TIME LIMIT?! Wells is introduced as a former Canadian All-Star Football Player (true), and Sharpe is Canada's Greatest Athlete. Speaking of Canada, how about the Canadian Heavyweight Champion, Dino Bravo (or as Ventura calls him, Pizza Face)? Wells is already a tick away from 40-years old, having ended his Football career by the mid 70's and toiling around the territories for most of the next decade. Lockup and neither man went anywhere with it. Wells with a sloppy roll-up for a one-count. Sharpe with a leg trip and standing toe hold. How is this on so late in the show? Wells counters and takes Sharpe over with a monkey flip. They do a slow-motion crisscross and Wells throws the weakest Super-Kick in history, sending Sharpe to the floor. Sharpe takes control with clobbering blows. Whip to the corner, Sharpe takes Wells over with a hip toss but misses an elbow drop. Wells with a headbutt ("one of his patented moves." How can you patent a basic move like a HEADBUTT?). The comeback is cut short and the crowd doesn't care. Wells can't even take a throw into the barricade without it looking bad. At this point I'd rather start working on the complete recap of Dino Bravo 1989-1991. Back inside, Sharpe with a slam for two. Wells with another ugly roll-up. Wells throws chops and tosses Sharpe with a hip throw. Sharpe avoids a dropkick and whacks Wells with the forearm. Wells ducks a clothesline and hits a shoulder tackle for three at 9:41. They did stuff, most of it not completely botched, so it's not negative stars, but it still sucked. DUD

The Junkyard Dog & Corporal Kirchner vs. Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik:

Woof. Sheik's gut is really starting to take shape, as is his bow-legged posture. Volkoff sings the Soviet Anthem and gets pelted with trash. Ventura shames Kirchner in an Army vs. Navy comparison ("you need a high school diploma to get in the Navy."). Kirchner and Sheiky-Baby start. Crowd is surprisingly not too invested in things now. Sheik with a waist-lock takedown and Kirchner quickly scrambles free. Kirchner cranks on a side headlock and takes a shot at Volkoff not paying attention. Crisscross and Kirchner with a hip toss. JYD takes a shot from the apron and Kirchner adds a headbutt. JYD and Volkoff in and things just got 500 times worse. JYD unloads with rights and lefts, sending Volkoff to the corner for a breather. Kirchner and the Dog take turns working the arm. Whip and Sheik with a knee to the back of the Corporal. Whip and Sheik with a clothesline, followed by a back body-drop. Sheik hooks an abdominal stretch, far away from his corner. HOW CAN YOU CHEAT THAT FAR FROM YOUR PARTNER?! Kirchner escapes but misses an elbow drop. Sheik with a gut-wrench suplex for two. He applies the Camel Clutch, but JYD comes in to make the save. Volkoff with a jumping boot across the back of the head. He plants Kirchner with a slam and drives a boot into the chest. Kirchner blocks a suplex and takes the Sheik over with his own. JYD with the hot tag, unloading on Volkoff with rights. Whip to the corner and a clothesline gets two. Sheik in with a headbutt, but that's no-sold. We get a PIER-SIX BRAWL. Volkoff gets knocked out, but conveniently whacks Kirchner with a chair, and Sheik covers for three at 11:47. When it was Kirchner vs. Sheik, it was fine, otherwise not. *½

Final Thoughts: Most of the top matches had poor finishes that left the door open for rematches next month. Santana and Savage would have better matches, next month at the Garden, Sammartino and Piper would have a more memorable match, and the undercard doesn't feature anything too exciting, unless you're a Moondog Spot fan. Not the worst show in the world, but nothing here is worth going out of your way to watch.

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