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WWF Metal: November 13, 1999

by Scrooge Mc Suck

- From the Vault… of a source not known as the WWE Network. No, I’m not going to cry how the Network should have all of the episodes of Metal/Jakked, because honestly, I don’t think anyone even remembers these used to be shows. I honestly watched maybe two or three episodes until they started putting the C-level shows on at a more reasonable time (Jakked was on at 2:30 a.m. in my hometown of Monticello, NY, and later discovered it on TV while living in Virginia Beach at 1 a.m. in a back-to-back viewing with a terrible women’s wrestling company that was kind of like GLOW, except extremely outdated. This isn’t the start to some sensationally long series of recaps, just a quick jump into what the WWF was offering at the time, and since my love of meaningless C-Level Shows is well documented, it’s a good way to see some decent mid-card action.

- Our unseen hosts are Kevin Kelly and the former Heavenly Body-Donna, Tom Prichard. He’s surprisingly not bad on commentary, and boy, do I miss guys like Kevin Kelly (people giving a shit who pay attention to the product) after suffering through some of the commentary woes we have in 2015. We’re “Hours” away from Survivor Series, a clever way to get around time-stamping this show due to the inconsistent network schedules.

D’Lo Brown vs. “The Lethal Weapon” Steve Blackman:

Both men will see action at the Survivor Series in meaningless 8-Man Elimination Tag Team Matches. Brown has been slumming around with the Godfather while Blackman is trying to develop the personality of an ass-kicker, and is featured in the latest issue of Inside Kung-Fu Magazine (never heard of it). Blackman pounds away to start. Whip to the corner, Brown avoids a charge and dishes out some rights of his own. Brown misses a jumping elbow drop. Blackman with a dropkick and drop toe hold, and now he misses an elbow. Blackman takes a breather, but Brown follows with a plancha. Back inside, Brown comes off the second rope for a bulldog, but gets caught and dropped with a sloppy side slam. Blackman with another side slam, followed by a diving headbutt from the second turnbuckle for a near fall. Blackman grabs a sleeper hold, but Brown fights free with elbows. Whip to the ropes, Brown ducks under a clothesline and connects with a DDT. Brown with a series of rights and a diving forearm, followed by a jumping heel kick. D’Lo with a slam and quick leg drop for two. Back breaker and a moonsault gets another two count. Brown goes for another slam, but Blackman counters with a cradle and its good for three at 4:18. *1/2 Short but non-stop action and only one spot looked a bit iffy. I always like getting clean finishes when putting a heel over.

- WWF Live Event (presented by JVC Kaboom Box) is coming to Hartford Civic Center on December 5th. See WWF Superstars Steve Austin (lies!), the Big Show (before he was completely stale), and Val Venis (now we’re really stretching things). After buying tickets, but the new WWF Titan Tron Live ring-set from Jakks Pacific. I think I bought that at a discount in KB Toys and it was a piece of junk, and don’t ask why a 15-year old was buying toys.

Rikishi Fatu vs. Julio Fantastico:

This is the (Metal) Debut of Rikishi Fatu. Technically it’s a return, since it’s a repackaging for the former Fatu of the Head-Shrinkers after a failed run as the Sultan. I’ll mention it since no one remembers… Rikishi’s theme music is pretty generic “Islander” music. This was before he somehow became associated with Too Cool. I guess Fantastico got this gig based on his excellent work on the Heroes of Wrestling PPV. Fantastico attacks aggressively, but can’t move Rikishi on a monkey-flip attempt. Rikishi staggers to sell a jumping heel kick and dropkick before laying him out with a clothesline. Rikishi stomps him down, attempting to make him part of the canvas. Whip to the corner and Rikishi follows with the avalanche of ass. He comes off the second rope with the Banzai Drop, but doesn’t cover. Fantastico with an awful sell-job for a Super-Kick. Rikishi with a headbutt and the Rikishi Driver (shoulder-breaker into a seated Tombstone) finishes at 2:38. Decent squash, but Rikishi’s moveset was still a work in progress, and Fantastico’s selling ranged from pretty good to embarrassingly bad.

- WWF Metal is brought to you by Gastrol GTX Motor Oil, Magic: The Gathering, and Remington Micro-Screen 3.

- Last Thursday on Smackdown (when it was worth recapping), Arnold Schwarzenegger showed up to promote his upcoming bomb, “End of Days” (not to be confused with Baron Corbin’s finisher, which is just an excuse to use a modern wrestling reference to tie together a joke about a movie nobody remembers). Ah-nold was even presented with a replica WWF Championship. WCW a few months later thought the best way to replicate this was by making a celebrity the REAL Champion. Unfortunately, that celebrity was David Arquette, but he’s off the hook because he donated his pay to foundations and widows of deceased wrestlers, so good for him and shame on WCW for being ran by morons.

- Vignette introducing the world to Kurt Angle, Olympic Gold Medalist and the most celebrated REAL Athlete in WWF History. All this before he even made his official debut, scheduled for the Survivor Series against an unnamed opponent (Spoiler: It’s Shawn Stasiak).

- WEIRD commercial for Bop It Extreme, featuring some guy who looks like he was given the Shawn Michaels in Albany Special™, allegedly at the hands of the Dudley Boyz. Speaking of the Dudley Boyz…

Matt Hardy (w/ Jeff Hardy & Terri Runnels) vs. D-Von Dudley (w/ Buh-Buh Ray Dudley):

Remember when Bubba (or Buh-Buh) had the gimmick of being a stuttering moron? Yeah, that was pretty much it. The Hardys won the service of Terri by winning the Terri Invitational Tournament, which consisted of a whopping two teams (and we thought WWE Tournaments were lazy these days). Of course no one remembers this pairing because they struck gold sticking the Hardys with Lita mid-way into 2000. Lockup and Matt quickly goes to work on the left arm. D-Von grabs a side headlock and comes off the ropes with a shoulder tackle. They trade pin attempts until Matt takes him over with an arm drag and hooks an arm-bar. Whip to the ropes and D-Von connects with a diving forearm. Whip to the ropes and he hits a twisting back elbow. Matt avoids a charge to the corner and sunset flips D-Von for a two count. D-Von meets boot on a charge, but recovers to catch Matt coming off the second rope with a Power-Slam. Matt counters an abdominal stretch but gets thrown over the top rope with a hip toss. Matt sends D-Von into the ring apron and springs off the ropes with a DDT. Back inside and a cover gets two. D-Von counters a slam and connects with what looks like Goldust’s Curtain Call, but it only gets two. D-Von misses a diving headbutt. Buh-Buh gets distracted by Terri because he’s a horny moron. Back in the ring, Matt counters a suplex with a sleeper into a neck breaker, and it’s good for the three count at 4:50. ** Solid action. Based on future matches, it’s no surprise that these guys had decent chemistry.

- On Raw is War, Vince McMahon assures Steve Austin that the belt shot from the previous weeks episode of Smackdown was an accident, the Rock pinned X-Pac but took a beating from DX, and Test almost had the WWF Championship won when DX tricked Vince into thinking they were sexually assaulting Stephanie. Later in the week on Smackdown, Arnold Schwarzenegger made his presence felt and assisted in Test getting a pinfall victory over Triple H in an Elimination Match, then punked him out at ringside to add humiliation to his loss.

- WWF The Music: Volume 4 is coming soon, with entrance themes for Superstars like Triple H, The Rock, Chris Jericho, The Undertaker, and MORE!

Super-Heavyweight Fatal-Four Way Match: “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry vs. Prince Albert vs. Viscera vs. Crash Holly:

Who didn’t enjoy the silly gimmick of Hardcore, and more specifically Crash, strutting around as if they were 6’6” monsters despite their obvious short-comings. Mark Henry has been in limbo, Viscera is doing nothing now that Undertaker is out of action and the Ministry disbanded, and Albert was shoe-horned into being a protégé to the Boss Man with his alliance with Droz over due to an unfortunate career-ending injury. If I honestly had to put money on this, I’d put it all on Crash, the future Houdini of Hardcore. Crash and Albert start. Albert easily counters a sunset flip attempt with a sit-out double-choke slam. Viscera tags himself in and crushes both men in the opposite corner. Belly-to-belly suplex to Crash gets two, thanks to Sexual Chocolate. Viscera with the Samoan Drop on Crash while Henry pounds away on Albert. Whip to the ropes and a double shoulder tackle to Henry. Crash with a splash off the top rope on Henry for a two count. Henry presses Crash into the air and comes off the ropes with a splash. Albert in with a bicycle kick and Viscera adds a splash. Crash recovers and falls on top of Henry for three at 2:37! No rating, but using the match as tool to continue Crash’s goofy “Super-Heavyweight” Gimmick is OK with me.

Final Thoughts: A quick 45-minutes of entertainment. The final push for Survivor Series was in full effect with short recaps of the important shows (yes, including Smackdown) to fill time between all the meaningless mid-card matches with mostly entertaining personalities (and Steve Blackman). As you would expect, I’m not going to recommend a random episode with a thumbs up or down, but rather recommend searching out random shows like this as a time capsule and look back at what we loved (and of course, hated) about that particular era. Total nostalgic cheese.

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