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WWE Saturday Night's Main Event - June 2, 2007

by Scrooge McSuck

-When someone mentions "Saturday Night's Main Event", it usually brings one back to a simpler time, when a 90-minute program of superstar vs. superstar matches was something to look forward to, and putting it on such a late timeslot (replacing Saturday Night Live for each broadcast), made it that much more enticing to younger viewers. After the show ran its course on NBC, FOX picked up the rights and broadcasted two decent, yet somehow underwhelming episodes, in 1992, before the show was canned for good... then in 2006, the WWE brought SNME back, and was used as a Primetime special to hype WrestleMania 22... and it SUCKED. I remember doing a rough recap of the show "live" and completely losing it during the main event (which was better than I was willing to give credit for, and I also would like to retract negative comments I made about Edge, as well). Anyway, I only managed to catch one more episode of SNME (by chance, I didn't record it), and it was only an hour long, featuring such classic moments like Great Khali squashing Jimmy WANG YANG. Ugh... here we go again, taped on May 28th from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and broadcasted on June 2nd, 2007. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are calling all the action.

I should probably note, that there's a gimmick to this broadcast, as it basically "celebrates" or showcases the following the WWE has to offer: The Biggest, Smallest, Strangest, and Strongest... Hmm... THAT doesn't sound like a familiar title from the WWE Library, does it?

- Non-Title Match: John Cena (WWE Champion) vs. The Great Khali:

Cena will be defending the WWE Championship against Khali at One Night Stand the next night, but here's a Non-Title teaser, because that is going to really pop the buyrate, right? Here we are, FIVE YEARS LATER, and Khali still has a spot on the roster. How did that happen? We hype Khali with, you guessed it, a video montage! For whatever reason, Ashley (Diva Search winner) does introductions, and I'd tell her not to quit her regular job, but she sucked at that, too. Khali has his new interpreter with him, and for the life of me I can't find anything out about him, other than his name is Ranjin Singh. I like him better than Davari, just to put that out there. Cena attacks before the bell and comes off the ropes with a shoulder tackle. Cena goes for the F-U, but Khali blocks and puts the boots to the Champ. Khali knocks Cena to the apron, then to the floor. Back inside, and Khali with an elbow out of the Kevin Nash moveset index card, followed by what can loosely be considered choking. Whip to the corner, and Cena does the 1-2-3 Kid bump. Whip to the opposite corner, and Khali puts Cena down with a big boot. Khali with a slam (looked a little sloppy, but maybe I blinked at the wrong time), but he misses a leg drop. Cena goes for the STFU (har har...), but Khali kicks him out of the ring. Khali wipes Cena out with a clothesline, but stands around rather than follow up. Cena attempts a comeback, but another clothesline puts a hault on it. Khali chokes and the crowd picks up a "Khali Sucks" chant. Khali continues to dominate with limited effort, but Cena is selling like a Champô. Cena ducks a big right and goes for another F-U, but Khali counters with an elbow, and nails the Hassan-CHOP! Khali pulls Cena up, hits the double choke lift slam, and a foot on the chest gets the three count at 6:20!? Match wasn't anything to brag about, but credit to Cena for basically letting Khali squash him, and I'm sure some marks bought into Khali walking away with the title at One Night Stand. Afterwards, Khali cuts a promo in whatever language he speaks, and Singh translates for us American bums. Singh's version is about 50-times longer, but remember in Lost In Translation, when the Japanese director was talking for about 2-minutes, and the female interpreter got maybe a full sentence out of it? I don't know why I referenced that...

- Kristal is out to do introductions for the next segment... an Arm-Wrestling Contest between Bobby Lashley and the ECW "World" Champion... Vince McMahon. Go ahead, spit up your cornflakes and curse McMahon for tarnishing the ECW name. For those who forgot, Lashley was directly responsible for McMahon having his head shaved at WrestleMania. Gotta' love McMahon wearing a ghetto headband. Hey look, one of the Armstrong brothers is the referee! If you've seen one Arm-Wrestling Match/Contest, you know what happens... a lot of stalling. The crowd gives a half-hearted "You Screwed Bret" chant (GET OVER IT...) in the meantime.

After several minutes of stalling, McMahon backs out, and replaces himself with THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN, Mark Henry (this is where you slap yourself on the forhead). That would make for quite an interesting shoot, but I give it 10-seconds before someone gets attacked and it turns into a lame brawl. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Henry cheap shots Lashley as he gains the advantage, and the table gets tossed. Lashley fights back but gets caught off the top rope and rammed into the corner. Lashley no-sells, and comes bursting out with a spear. Suddenly, McMahon attacks with a chair shot, and yes, he gets the upperhand on the final stop before the One Night Stand PPV.

- Batista & Chris Benoit vs. Edge (Heavyweight Champ) & M.V.P. (US Champ):

Much like everything else at this point, this is another preview for One Night Stand (what an awful name for a generic PPV once the ECW part of it was no more), where Edge defends his "World" Title against Batista, and Benoit and MVP... do nothing. Hmm... I guess they didn't have any room on the card for them. We have yet a NEW Ring Announcer... Torrie Wilson. She was still around in 2007?! Her introduction of Edge sounds like a teenage boy smack in the middle of puberty. We join the match in progress, with Benoit and MVP trading blows. Benoit quickly takes control and goes for the crossface, but MVP is too close to the ropes. Edge tags in and pounds away, and gets a babyface pop. Benoit is back up and chops the skin off of Edge's chest in retaliation. Benoit with a snap suplex, followed by an elbow drop for a two count. Benoit comes off the ropes with a hard forearm, and tags out to Batista. Edge tags out as well, so Batista takes out on MVP what he wants to do to Edge. Batista with a suplex, and Edge breaks the pin attempt. MVP gets a few shots in and clamps on a front facelock. Whip to the ropes is reversed, and Batista drives a knee into the midsection for a two count. Benoit tags in, and lays into MVP in the corner. MVP misses a charge, and Benoit with the trio of German suplexes. Benoit heads to the top rope, knocks Edge off the apron, and misses the diving headbutt. MVP drags Benoit to his own corner, and stomps away. Edge tags in, and continues to milk the home crowd reaction. Edge with a stomach buster, and a cover gets two. MVP tags in and takes Benoit over with a sloppy gutwrench suplex for another two count. Edge with a snapmare, and he slaps on a waistlock. Benoit escapes with elbows, then KO's Edge with an enziguri. MVP cuts off the tag, and he manages to avoid an enziguri. Benoit simply kicks him off, instead, and Batista gets the hot tag. Batista levels MVP with a pair of clotheslines, then plants him with a running powerslam. Edge comes in, then takes off, with belt in hand. Batista with a spinebuster on MVP, and Benoit finishes him off with the diving headbutt at 9:24. Another solidly booked match. It wasn't special on it's own, but Edge playing the coward to get under Batista's skin kept their program sizzling, while Benoit did all of the work for his team.

- The Boogeyman & Little Boogeyman vs. Finlay & Hornswoggle:

Ugh. Midgets... I guess this can cover both "Strangest" and obviously "Smallest" in our parade of freaks and gimmicks. Hey, look, another ring announcer... Candice Michelle. I know you've got to use them somewhere, but why not let the trained ring announcer do his job? I remember thinking Finlay coming out of retirement was going to be awful... can't always be right. I also found a lot of enjoyment out of the Boogeyman, so what do I know? OK, Little Boogey is pretty funny, too. We get an unnecessary shot of Boogeyman eating a worm... Lockup, and Boogeyman shoves Finlay to the canvas. Boogeyman with a waistlock into the corner, followed by a few sloppy punches. Irish whip, and Boogeyman with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a splash. Little Boogey tags in and does the Earthquake butt drop a couple of times. Finlay slaps the taste out of his mouth, so Little Boogey retaliates with a Little Mac inspired flurry of rights and lefts. Little Boogey with a DDT on Finlay, and he scarfs a worm to celebrate. Hornswoggle, FROM UNDER THE APRON, tags in to a huge pop, and THE JACKET IS OFF! Hornswoggle offers the hat, and Finlay comes out of nowhere with a basement dropkick. They do a little jig to celebrate. This is awesome, I'm sorry. Little Boogey surprises Hornswoggle with a small package (I'm laughing, I'm sorry), for a two count. Finlay tags in, and Little Boogey with a small package on him, too. Boogeyman chases Hornswoggle away, leaving Finlay to punt Little Boogey for the three count at 3:51. Short and entertaining. No, that pun WASN'T intended.

- In what is definitely not the highlight of the show, we get a performance from ECW's Extreme Expose', a "dance team" consisting of Layla El (former model and cheerleader), Kelly Kelly (the "exhibitionist" who couldn't grasp the concept of how to remove a bra), and Brooke... who has nothing interesting to say about other than "damn that's a nice ass." They do a "routine" to Timbaland's "Throw It On Me" (I looked it up, I don't know crap like this), but it's shortly interrupted by the on-going hijinx between the BoogeyMEN and Hornswoggle and Finlay. Finlay lays out Boogeyman Classic with his shillelagh, while he two mini's get in the ring and we get in impromptu chicken fight between Brooke and Layla. Okay... this wasn't a waste of 5-minutes.

- Kane, Eugene, Doink (the Clown) vs. Umaga, Kevin Thorn, Viscera:

Oh...My...God. What sick bastard came up with this collection of workers? According to sources, this was supposed to be an 8-Man Tag that also included Kamala and Goldust, but shit happens, and we're left with... this. If you couldn't guess, this is the official "Strangest" portion of the show. Michelle McCool is the next in a rotation of ring announcers... Eugene is wearing some awful Superhero attire and a BLANKET for a cape. I've said this tons of times before, but could they NOT come up with a better name than Kevin Thorn for a fucking Vampire?! Doink and Thorn start, and Doink gets almost NO reaction for the "cheer me" and "boo him" routine. Eugene enjoys it... must... resist... obvious joke. Thorn wants a lockup, and Doink wiggles his fanny. Michael Cole brings up DINK, and we get more Doink nonsense. Doink blocks a kick, but a clothesline lays his ass out. Kane offers a cheap shot from the apron, and Eugene tags in and comes off the top with a double axehandle. Thorn with a forearm to the side of the head, and Umaga gets the unwanted tag. Eugene plays scared while Umaga makes menacing faces. Umaga works Eugene over until Viscera tags himself in (this was BEFORE Big Daddy V, by the way). Eugene with rights, but Vis plants him with a sidewalk slam. Vis with the Rick Rude hip-wiggle as we take a commercial break. We return, with Thorn working Eugene over in the corner. Umaga tags in and clamps on the Samoan neck pinch. Eugene fights to his feet, and goes right back down with a Samoan drop. This match has officially gone on too long. Thorn tags himself back in and slaps on a chinlock. What was the point of that?! Umaga comes back in and gets a pair of knees to the balls. Kane gets the hot tag and lays out Thorn with rights and a boot. Kane snaps Vis across the top rope, then nails Thorn with a charging clothesline and side slam. Kane to the top rope, and he comes off with a clothesline to Thorn, but it only gets a two count. Umaga shrugs off interference from Eugene and Doink, but heads outside to continue the punishment. Viscera tags in, misses a charge, and Kane finishes him off with the chokeslam at 9:09. This is not bias from a Kane mark, but the last 90-seconds was the only part of the match the crowd gave a crap about. The idea was fine, but the execution was terrible. NO ONE wants to see Doink, and Eugene was no longer interesting enough to trot out anymore.

- We end everything with a video package of all the action that took place earlier in the show, set to Puddle of Mudd's "Famous." Quick research says this was the "official" theme song to WWE One Night Stand. As if anyone really cares. I haven't watched enough wrestling lately to know, but I wonder if they still do that for PPV's (flavor of the month songs that a WWE executive heard on the radio and somehow tried to incorporate into a WWE program).

Final Thoughts: You know, this actually felt more like a traditional episode of Saturday Night's Main Event, mostly when it comes to the pacing. All the important stuff happend first, and we ended the show with the less notable and forgetable stuff. The booking decisions were a bit cheap but effective with the PPV coming the next night, and I'm sorry to admit I enjoyed the hell out of the Boogeymen/Finlay and Hornswoggle match. The only real stinker was the "Strangest" 6-Man Tag, but anything with Kane is at least midly watchable. It's definitely not an outstanding show, but it's a fun waste of 75-minutes.

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