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WWE Main Event - June 12, 2013

by Scrooge McSuck

- Last Week on WWE Main Event... Sheamus ran his winning streak up to two, defeating recent punching bag and Main Event MVP Antonio Cesaro in a so-so match (so-so in Cesaro's standard). Also on Main Event, the Usos continued their winning ways with a victory over the Rhodes Scholars. Credit is due for their new attitude... face paint. Yup. And finally, Justin Gabriel continues to earn points on the leadership board, handing a defeat to the recently returned Curt Hawkins (if I may steal a Bobby Heenan bit... Who?).

- Originally taped on June 11th, 2013 from Greensboro, NC. Josh Mathews is joined at ringside by Wade Barrett. I have a feeling he's going to get involved in some manner, considering Miz and Barrett are set for a collision course at Payback ™. Where's Ricardo Rodriguez to make it a three-man booth? I guess Fandango's concussion is legit, as he's replaced by Curtis Axel in the IC Title three-way.

The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes:

I'm already not feeling this one. I hate babyface Miz that much. Considering Rhodes did a job to the Uso's last week, I don't see this being more than an extended warm-up for Miz leading into Payback™. This is a rematch from Monday Night Raw, which ended in Miz winning with the Figure-Four. It's getting slightly better looking... I think. I can't even tell. Rhodes with the headlock and shoulder tackle to kick off the action. Barrett blows his lines about "statistics" worse than Jim Carrey in "Fun With Dick And Jane." Yes, I liked that movie, sue me. Criss-cross sequence, Miz traps Rhodes by the legs, slingshots him to the buckle, and a school boy gets two. Rhodes with boots to the midsection to take control. Whip to the corner, a charge meets nothing and Miz comes off the ropes with a clothesline. Miz rolls through a sunset flip attempt and lands a kick to the head for another near fall. Rhodes uses the tights to throw Miz face-first to the buckle and stomps away some more. A "Miz is awesome" chant has to be canned. The world just isn't right if it isn't. Rhodes with a dropkick for two, then settles into a chinlock. Miz escapes and goes for the Figure-Four, but Rhodes kicks him to the apron and returns the kick to the face.

We return from break, but not before Kofi Kingston tells us to not try this at home. I can say from first-hand experience... don't try Trouble in Paradise. Imagine ME doing that, and failing horribly. I should've video taped it. Miz counters a back suplex and throws Rhodes to the floor. He follows with a baseball slide and a double axehandle from the apron. Rhodes slips through the ropes, ramming Miz's arm into the post, and throwing him to the floor. WWE Live returns to Abu Dhabi. When I was a kid, I thought that was a made-up-place in the Garfield universe. Rhodes continues working over the arm, in between trash talking. Front suplex from Rhodes gets a two count. You don't often see many short-arm scissors in modern day WWE. I think they blow a spot, as they kind of stop, do something to kill time, and then go back to do a back drop to the floor. Miz with clotheslines and a boot to the face. Sunset flip gets two. Miz with a jumping clothesline into the corner. He heads to the top with a one-armed axehandle for two. Rhodes blocks the Skull Crushing Finale and throws Miz shoulder-first into the post. The Disaster Kick connects, but only for a two count. Miz blocks a boot and tries to counter with Figure-Four. Miz kicks off, misses a charging boot, and this time the Figure-Four is locked on for the victory at 13:24. I got to admit, Miz does look better applying it now. As for the match, it was all right. It wasn't bad, it wasn't great. It followed a standard formula, and delivered moderately entertaining action. I'm using such cookie cutter descriptions because it fits the match.

- C.M. Punk is coming back at Payback™ to take on Chris Jericho. Order Payback™ right now, because C.M. Punk is guaranteed a 4-star match this weekend. I'll save my $45 for SummerSlam when we get Punk vs. Lesnar, thank you very much. It was nice of them to build a hype package for Punk's return, though. WWE never seems to lose it's touch in that department.

Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow:

This could go either way... Sin Cara's push was aborted faster than a prom-night pregnancy, and Sandow is scheduled to job to Sheamus at Payback's™ YouTube™ Preview Show. I guess that gives a slight edge to Sandow. We're working the match under the stupid lights, and the crowd appears dead. Sandow avoids a handspring elbow, but a hurricanrana is more successful for Sin Cara. Sandow rams him hard into the buckle, takes Sin Cara over with a snapmare, then slaps on a chinlock. Sin Cara counters a back suplex with an enziguri, grabs the arm, and takes Sandow over with an overly complicated arm drag. Sandow to the floor and Sin Cara teases a high spot, but it's just a tease.

Back from another break, but not before we hype WWE Live going to Abu Dhabi, October 10th, 11th, and 12th. Sandow plants Sin Cara with a slam. Whip to the corner and a charge misses. Sin Cara tries a bulldog, but Sandow counters with a face buster for two. Every time Sin Cara offers a comeback, Sandow slows things down. He drops the elbow of disdain, but only gets two. Sin Cara finally connects with the handspring elbow, followed by a body press for two. Victory roll for another two count. Sin Cara to the top rope, only to miss the senton splash. Sandow with a lame version of the Rock Bottom for three at 6:15. That seemed overly long, despite being 6-minutes. There was a definite styles clash here. Sin Cara tried working in some luchadore spots (the dumbed down, WWE version) while Sandow worked a very generic heel formula. It would be like watching William Regal wrestle Juventud Guerrera, or something equally odd back in the days of WCW's oversized roster. It could be worse, I guess. Could've been more time devoted to, I don't know, the Uso's.

- Raw Rewind: Raw was so bad we only get ONE highlight package from the entire three hours? Ouch. Anyway, there's that John Cena and Ryback match you know, and it's going to take place at Payback™. Three Stages of Hell. Pointless gimmick match that means nothing, followed by another pointless gimmick match that means nothing, followed by a shitty gimmick match that means John Cena retains. You know, it wouldn't surprise me if Cena didn't even job the Tables Match portion of it cleanly. Can you win all 3 falls, or is it just 2 out of 3? THIS NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED!

The Uso's vs. Tons of Funk (w/ the Funkadactyls):

(Jimmy & Jey Uso vs. Brodus Clay & Tensai)
What sick bastard keeps putting the damn Uso Brothers on Main Event?! Damn their flavor of the month push! Send them back to Superstars where they belong, wrestling the Primetime Players every other week. They're red face-paint matches their red shorts. Is there any chance I can hire someone to ghost write for me when the Uso's appear on Main Event? Clay no-sells a chop by shaking his rump, Dusty Rhodes style. Then he starts dancing. Jey Uso tries a shoulder tackle, but Brodus Clay is too fat. I'm assuming it's Jey. We're not well-informed this week. Jimmy Uso and Tensai go at it next, with Tensai taking control. He shoots the Uso over with a monkey flip and starts dancing, too. Tensai misses a charge, and the Uso comes off the ropes with a shoulder tackle. Tons of Funk use their size to their advantage, but Jey avoids a pair of elbows, and tags out to Jimmy. He works over Clay for a moment, until running chest first into a headbutt. Clay dominates and throws Jimmy over with a T-Bone Suplex. The Splash connects, but Jey breaks the cover. Tensai runs into a Samoan Drop, sending him to the floor. Clay misses an avalanche, eats a double team crescent kick, and a Splash from the top finishes at 4:50. Not absolutely terrible or unwatchable. Looked like two babyface teams having a little fun out their to fill time. The Uso's hot streak continues! Will they ever get a shot at the Shield?

Final Thoughts: There was a lot of hype for Payback™ this week on Main Event, almost over-shadowing the actual wrestling. Yes, there was plenty of that tonight, but the entire match between Miz/Rhodes was masked by the conversation of the IC Title Match at Payback™, Sandow's match with Sheamus was the talk of the the second match, and the third... well, they barely would identify which Uso was which, but in between all those were video packages for Cena/Ryback and a hype video for a guy who's only been off television for two months. If this doesn't make you want to see Payback™, it's okay. No big deal. Good show tonight, but it's a very easy episode to skip, too.

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