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WWE Main Event - March 18, 2014

by Scrooge McSuck

- Originally featured live on the WWE Network on March 18th, 2014 from Houston, TX. Byron Scott and Tony Phillips are on commentary, or whatever their names are. Last week on Main Event, the United States and Diva's Championships were successfully defended, and Los Matadores made a strong showing against the Super-Team of RybAxel. Our big promise for tonight... THE UNDERTAKER IS HERE!

Goldust & Cody Rhodes vs. The Real Americans (w/ Zeb Colter):

These two teams have done a lot of stuff together in recent months, so this should be good. In fact, this is a direct rematch from Friday Night Smackdown, which saw the Brothers Rhodes taking an impressive post-match beating. There's going to be a Fatal Four-Way on Smackdown between the Real Americans, The Shield (I'm assuming Rollins and Reigns), RybAxel, and 3MB to determine who will face the Uso's at WrestleMania. Wait... aren't all these teams technically heels? Nice continuity, I guess, but Los Matadores and Cody/Dust deserve a spot in the match. TAG TEAM TURMOIL MUST RETURN! Swagger and Goldust start. Swagger quickly sends him to the floor with a shoulder tackle. Goldust grabs a headlock and comes off the ropes with his own shoulder tackle. He takes Swagger over with a hip toss, connects with an inverted atomic drop, followed by an arm drag into the armbar. Cody tags in and gets the honor of taking a beating from Cesaro, including a barrage of knees. Cody comes off the ropes with a clothesline for two and grabs a front facelock. He ends up on the apron and gets yanked off by Swagger. Real Americans with a double elbow for two. Cody avoids a back suplex and comes off the ropes with the Disaster Kick. Goldust with a pair of clotheslines on Cesaro, followed by an inverted atomic drop and boot to the side of the head. Mounted punches in the corner, and a Canadian Destroyer gets two! Swagger gets sent to the floor with a clothesline, and Cesaro via back drop. Goldust follows with a rolling senton from the apron, and Cody with a dive from the top rope! Back inside, Cesaro catches Goldust in a leap frog attempt and muscles it into a back breaker for two.

We return from commercial, with Swagger in control of Goldust. He sends Goldie to the floor with a clothesline, and Cesaro greets him with an even more vicious clothesline of his own. Goldust gets a boot up on a charge attempt and takes him down with Hurricanrana! No tag, though. Swagger in control, he hits the Swagger Bomb, and Cesaro adds a double-stomp for two. Super-Strength gut-wrench suplex gets two. Goldust fights free of a front facelock and springs off the buckle with an elbow, but Cesaro boots Cody off the apron to prevent the tag. Cesaro with a running uppercut to the back of the head, and it's Giant Swing time! Cesaro slingshots Goldust into a Swagger Powerslam for two. Goldust fights both off and sends Swagger to the floor. Cody with the hot tag, and he's a house of fire. Sunset flip on Swagger for two. He hits the Goldust Uppercut and springs off the ropes with a missile dropkick to both Real Americans. Swagger avoids the Cross Rhodes, and Cesaro's interference is prevented by a Goldust Powerslam. Cody with a standing moonsault on Swagger for two! Disaster Kick is blocked and countered with the Patriot Lock! Cody makes it to the ropes as Goldust and Cesaro brawl on the floor. Meanwhile, Cody fights Swagger off and hits the Cross Rhodes, seemingly out of nowhere, for the three count at 12:24 (minus one commercial break). ***1/2 Business as usual for these two teams. Non-stop action, solid heat segment on Goldust, and a hot finish. Can't ask for anything more than that in Tag Team wrestling... except the return of the Double Goozle.

- Commercial advertising WWE Slam City. Words cannot describe the awesomeness of watching animated action figure inspired wrestlers working Average Joe jobs.

The Funkadactyls vs. Layla and Alicia Fox:

Woah, woah, woah... Layla!? I originally typed it as Alicia Fox and Aksana, but then boom, shocker. Layla has been MIA since September for undisclosed reasons, and she still looks like she's never going to age. Layla has been around since 2006, almost an eternity for the Divas. Naomi is sporting a bedazzled eye patch, no doubt making Jean Pierre Lafitte spin in his grave. Why are they still called the Funkadactyls without Brodus Clay, and whatever happened to their newfound relationship with Xavier Woods? Whatever happened to Xavier Woods? I'm kind of sad we're not getting any Aksana tonight... now what am I going to think about when I'm alone in bed? One of the women of my past who can't stand my face? Naomi and Fox start, barely able to work a roll up spot properly. Funkadactyls with a double Suplex and Leg Split. I don't see how that move works... wouldn't slamming your genitals onto someone hurt, even a little bit? Layla and Cameron have a mini-dance off, won by Layla. Snazzy arm drag into a roll up for two for Layla. Cameron with a dropkick to the back of the head. Fox with a Northern Lights Suplex for two. Layla with choking, followed by a snapmare. She misses a leg drop, allowing Naomi to make the hot tag. Shitty hurricanrana gets two. Cameron blows a spot diving at Layla. Naomi finishes Fox with the "rear view" and split-leg moonsault at 5:05. 3/4* Could've been worse, I guess. If Naomi's sloppy work deserves a Divas Title victory over A.J., I riot.

- Raw Rewind: Triple H goes cerebral Assassin on Daniel Bryan, having him handcuffed by phony cops and beating the ever-loving-shit out of him. The attempted drowning might have crossed the line in the PG era, but this was a segment that made WrestleMania kinda' interesting to "I need to see what happens to that scumbag" highly anticipated.

Big Show vs. Titus O'Neil:

When will the Big Show retire? Both men are going to be in the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale™, and you have to think Big Show (or the mysterious Show Machine) is an odd's on favorite to win. O'Neil is tall, but nobodies pushing him anymore, so he doesn't matter. Show controls early with the chest slaps... what am I watching, a Great Khali match? O'Neil takes over by clipping the knee. He comes off the ropes with a leg drop for two, then hits the chinlock. I always love when the heel gives the face a piggy-snout. Show meets a boot on a charge and O'Neil connects with Clash of the Titus! ... For two. So much for O'Neil's finisher. Titus charges to the corner, gets caught in a death grip around his throat, and Big Show casually KO's him for the three count at 4:28. 1/4* Pointless. Why not just feed Fandango to Big Show instead of someone like Titus who doesn't need to be doing jobs this soon after being split from his partner and "pushed."

- We replay the video from Raw where the Undertaker's age is starting to take a toll on him, while Brock Lesnar has easily handled some of Taker's former WrestleMania victims (except that guy with the tattoo's. I forget his name... Edge?). We all know 'Taker is winning, but it's an interesting turn that rings true: Brock has manhandled (at times) Triple H, Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Mark Henry, and the Big Show in the last 18 months, all victims of "The Streak." Paul Heyman comes out, cutting his typical promo, which means it's the best promo of the week. The lights go out, and Undertaker shows up in the ring, scaring the crap out of Heyman. He tells Paul to deliver a message to Brock Lesnar: He's going to slap the beast, and then throw his lifeless carcass into the pits of hell. End Show.

Final Thoughts: I'm loving the renewed interest in making Main Event seem semi-important. Yes, the Tag Match was probably meaningless in regards to storylines, but it was a pretty damn good match, and any appearance by the Undertaker is always a big deal these days, so there's a plus, too. Unfortunately, the rest of the show features a rather sub-par Divas Tag Match and an even worse match between the Big Show and Titus O'Neil. Worse because Big Show is clearly deteriorating in the ring to the point he's becoming the next Great Khali. Catch a replay of the opening Tag Match and don't bother with the rest. I'm sure Smackdown or Raw will replay Undertaker's 90-second appearance

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