Coliseum Video: Wrestling's Country Boys
by Scrooge McSuck
- I wasn't looking forward to this one, but at the same time, it has to have some comedic value to it. After all, as much as some people like to bitch about how stupid Hillbilly characters are, myself included, I can also admit when I just find something to be funny, even if it is an unpopular view point.
Note: We're skipping the Coliseum Video's entitled Amazing Managers and the Best of the WWF Vol. 3. The former I have never seen, and the latter isn't completely in tact to have a justified review. Check Da' Board if you need to read what I felt about it.
For those who aren't familiar with the subject of the tape, we will be looking back at the origins and subsequent careers of everyones favorite wrestling family... the Hillbilly Family, lead by everyone's favorite, Hillbilly Jim. I'll ignore the intolerant nickname and push forward. Hillbilly Jim made his first appearances as a fan at ringside, and one night, saved Hulk Hogan from a beat down. Hogan then, after much begging, offered to help Hillbilly Jim fulfill his dream of becoming a Blackjack Dealer. I mean running onto the field during a baseball game. I mean becoming a pro wrestler.
- Hulk Hogan says it's time for breakfast. Hillbilly Jim wants pancakes and eggs, but Hogan has a glass of Python Powder, and says it's like gasoline for you. Hillbilly Jim takes a sip, but makes disgusting faces, but HUlk chugs it down. "Out of the can and into the man!" Hulk Hogan: Do what I say, and we'll be fine. Hillbilly continues to be a pussy about it, before chugging the rest of it. It's time to hit the gym, complete with 80's synthesizer music. The running gag is Hillbilly doing everything incredibly awkward and wrong, and Hogan constantly ripping Hillbilly Jim's hat off. He's got a good point. You don't want head gear distracting your work out.
Now it's time to get in the ring. "Quit bothering me about wrestling! It's about getting in shape! Come on Hillbilly!" It's time to hit the ropes, and Hogan shows us how it's done. Hillbilly does it like Jake Roberts would 14 years later at Heroes of Wrestling. I guess that was Hogan's own moonshine he gave Hillbilly Jim. We show Hillbilly Jim working out some more, and he's starting to get the hang of things in the gym, but he's still a bit awkward. Hogan is in the ring again, and Hillbilly is a little bit better at hitting the ropes. Hillbilly wants to wrestle so bad, but Hogan protestss. He finally caves...
Hillbilly Jim (w/ Hulk Hogan) vs. Terry Gibbs:
Pulled from an episode of All-Star Wrestling, and yes, it's Hillbilly Jim's in-ring debut. May God have mercy on us all. The crowd is pretty jacked, but that has pretty much Hulk Hogan to thank for it, and they come out to Eye Of The Tiger (this is the Non-Coliseum Video version of the match, by the way). Hogan reminds Hillbilly Jim to remove his hat. Gibbs quickly slaps on a full nelson, but Hillbilly Jim powers out. Gibbs with a front facelock applied, but Jim scoops him up and places Gibbs across the top turnbuckle. Gibbs hits the ropes, and a shoulder block goes the way of the Hillbilly named Jim. He catches Gibbs with a slam, then stands around. Gibbs with a few rakes of the eyes and some rights. Gibbs continues hammering away, but a slam attempt fails. Jim with another slam, and the bearhug ends it at 2:50. DUD Not much of a match. Hillbilly Jim really didn't do much, and it's just a squash match, anyways. Hillbilly Jim checks on Gibbs, because he's suck a nice guy. He does a cart-wheel to celebrate. Hogan even puts the hat back on his head, he's so proud of him.- More Training! Hillbilly Jim is working out, and he's doing everything the right way, finally. We're back in the ring, and Hogan and Jim are doing a weird dance. Wait, it's just the colar-elbow tie-up. A.J. Petruzzi is there to help. Hogan counters a hammerlock with a reversal, then does it with a single-leg trip, and then a snapmare, and a drop toe hold. Hillbilly Jim tries his best, but he's not too good at it, and just uses his raw power to escape. "You really are one of a kind." Hogan is so proud of Jim winning his first match, that he presents him with a pair of wrestling boots. WCW would recycle this angle with Dave Sullivan. That didn't do good, either. Jim is so excited, he gives Hogan a bearhug. Sadly, there's no Yeti to dry hump Hogan from behind.
Hillbilly Jim vs. Rene Goulet:
From the February 18th, 1985 card held at Madison Square Garden, the same card that featured the War To Settle The Score. For fans unfamiliar with Goulet, watch for any moment between 1990 and 1997 on WWF television where a handful of "officials" and suits would try and break things up. The balding, long haired blonde with glasses was Goulet, except here he's just a balding, long haired blonde with evil facial hair. Andy Warhol is spotted in the crowd, and no one cares. And there's Danny Devito and Joe Piscapo. All the stars are out for this one. We get a close-up of Hillbilly Jim's boots, presented to him by the Hulkster. Goulet shows off his studded glove, but Hillbilly isn't impressed. Then he forgets to remove his hat. Jim offers a handshake, but Goulet slaps it away, then hides outside the ring. French Pussy. Lockup, and Jim shoves Goulet into the corner. Goulet grabs a headlock, but Jim throws him off and puts Goulet down with a shoulder block. Lockup, and Jim slaps on a headlock! His first wrestling move! Goulet tries to shove Jim off, but it's not working in his case. Goulet climbs over the ropes, but Jim pulls him back without releasing. They do it again, and Jim drops Goulet on his face, while his feet dangled across the top rope. Jim with a cart-wheel and goofy dancing, and the crowd loves it?! Back inside, and Goulet rakes the eyes, then bites his face. Goulet mounts him in the corner for some punching, then with more biting. Jim ambushes Goulet and sends him flying with a headbutt. Whip to the corner, and Goulet flips up onto the apron. Goulet comes off the top rope, but Hillbilly Jim slaps on the bearhug, and it's over at 7:26. * Little long for what the purpose was, but it was just a match to showcase Hillbilly Jim without having to make him look too vulnerable. Not as bad as I was expecting it to be, but still not very good, either, of course. Suddenly, we see Goulet mouthing off to someone, and it's revealed to be... Mr. T?!- Jesse Ventura is hosting his own interview show, "The Body Shop." It's basically a white room with pictures of Jesse everywhere and random work-out equipment. Hillbilly Jim is selling a broken leg at the hands of Brutus Beefcake and Johnny Valiant. Jim wants to introduce us to someone, his Uncle Elmer. He's a big ol' country boy, and Ventura sells his size with a "Holy crap" reaction. "I bet you like to eat. Do you wrestle?" "I scuffle." Okay, then.
- Now it's time for Piper's Pit, with Roddy Piper (duh) and Bob Orton Jr. Hillbilly Jim is his guest for this intallment, and Piper sings mock banjo to accompany Jim's arrival. Piper makes fun of Jim' injured leg, and accuses him of milking it, and just being a liar. Jim wants Piper to meet his Uncle Elmer, too. Piper's reaction is less impressive to put over Elmer, basically calling him a cow, thanks to the giant bell hanging around his neck. "You've been milked today?"
Uncle Elmer vs. Tiger Chung Lee:
From the July 20th, 1985 card held at the Capital Centre in Landover, MD. Chung Lee swipes at Elmer's hat from inside the ring with his kendo stick. Chung Lee whacks him with the stick and hammers away with rights. Chung Lee with stomps in the corner, followed by slaps to the throat. Elmer clubs Tiger over the head, and scares him out of the ring. Elmer makes menacing faces at Lee, and he bail again. Lockup, and Elmer tosses Tiger, then takes him over with a side headlock. Elmer can't get up, so Tiger attacks with his usual offense. Elmer whips Tiger to the corner, then across to the other, and takes him over with a back drop. Elmer with the SUCKIEST leg drop in the history of man for the three count at the 2:17 mark. Oh my GOD, that was the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and I've watched my share of bad wrestling. -* I'm going negatives just for the fuck up of one of the simplest moves. Awful.Uncle Elmer (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. Big John Studd (w/ Bobby Heenan):
From the August 10th, 1985 card held at Madison Square Garden. Gorilla Monsoon with the blatant lie of the tape, "this is going to be a beauty." Got to give him credit, he did his best to put everyone over, I guess. Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes are calling the action, by the way. Studd attacks before the bell, clubbing Elmer down to the canvas. MORE COWBELL! Studd puts the boots to Elmer, and that's pretty much all that happens for a while. The crowd gets "happy" to try and rally Elmer. MORE COWBELL! Elmer with a weak shot to the midsection, but Studd maintains control. Elmer is up on his feet and finally mounts some offense. MORE COWBELL! Elmer squashes Studd in the corner. Whip to the opposite side, and Elmer charges in with an avalanche. Elmer threatens to grab Studd's crotch, but I think he means slam. Heenan runs in for the DQ at 2:24, and here's Hillbilly Jim to save Elmer from the Weasel. Studd attacks Hillbilly, and now Elmer is back up to rescue Jim from everyone. DUD Craptastic match, but it was thankfully short.- Hillbilly Jim and Uncle Elmer invites the crew from Tuesday Night Titans to a hometown Barbeque. We join it in progres, with Hillbilly Jim strumming a guitar, then singing the worst duet with Elmer this side of..., well, nothing. It's the worst ever, and that's not an exaggeration. It's time to sit down for some grub. Elmer has some BBQ'ed Possum and cornbread for us, then slaps Lord Alfred's hand away. It's time to say prayers, and yes, blasphemy is included. We got Buttermilk and cold tea to wash everything down/ The gag is that Lord Alfred is too much of a snob to enjoy the down-home country goodness that the Hillbilly Family has to serve us. This was NOT a good example of what TNT had to offer. I'm sure I saw this bit during the time I had the 24/7 On Demand Service.
Cousin Junior (w/ Hillbilly Jim & Uncle Elmer) vs. Ron Shaw:
From WWF Television, circa August 1985. This is where the whole thing just takes even more of a nose-dive down into the depths of hell. Hillbilly Jim was tolerable, sometimes even watchable. Uncle Elmer... eh. Cousin Junior, a THIRD Hillbilly? Enough is enough, for the love of all that is holy. Junior's hillbilly character is that of a wild, uneducated one. Think Phineas Godwinn, except a lot worse. Junior carries around a lucky horse-shoe in his rape sack. Junior acts crazy, spooking away Shaw. Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura do commentary, and Vince hype's Elmer's wedding. Shaw grabs a headlock, but gets caught with a clothesline coming off the ropes. MORE COWBELL! Junior with a mule kick, and that wins it at 1:22. DUD I change my mind, Elmer is only the second worst Hillbilly wrestler in the history of the WWF.Cousin Junior (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. Adrian Adonis:
From the Capital Centre, held on September 14th, 1985. The thought of having to sit through another match with Junior is made a little bit more tolerable thanks to his opponent being Adrian Adonis, who was only a few months away from being turned into the mess of a character he would remain as for the remainder of his WWF tenure. The referee is either a really ugly woman, or a really ugly and womanly looking man. MORE COWBELL! Okay, I'm tired of saying that. Junior takes Adonis over with an arm drag. Adonis is packing on a lot more weight since the last time I've seen him on these Coliseum Videos. Lockup into the corner, and Adonis with a series off knees to the midsection. Whip across the ring is reversed, and Junior takes him over with a back drop. Junior with a pair of slams, followed by an arm drag, and now it's time for Adonis to take a breather. Adonis attacks Junior from behind and boots him in the midsection, pretending his liver is a football. Adonis drops an elbow, then takes time to trash the crowd. Adonis with another elbow for a two count. Adonis takes him over with a suplex for another two count. Adonis rakes the eyes, then chokes Junior across the middle rope. Adonis continues to control the action, and I use that term loosely. Jim saves Junior from more punishment, but the referee didn't see it. Junior puts the feet to Adonism but Adonis no-sells and hammers back. Adonis ties Junior in the ropes and choke away. The referee Diqualifies him at a clipped 7:07 for not breaking the hold. I thought only Andre The Giant got Disqualified for that. Hillbilly Jim makes the save, of course. DUD Another stinker. Adonis didn't even appear to be trying here.
Cousin Junior (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. Moondog Spot:
Who have I pissed off to suffer through all of this nonsense?! Seriously, another Junior match, and against Moondog SPOT!? From the Capital Centre in Landover, MD (again), this time it's from the August 17th, 1985 card. What, are we so mind-numbingly stupid that we can't try and keep everything in chronological continuity? Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura are calling the action. This match is THANKFULLY clipped, but I've seen the full version, and let's just say, I'm still alive, so that makes me a damn strong person. Oh, and the referee appears to be Dave Hebner. First time I've noticed him. Junior plays around with his bag of crap, and we zoom in on Spot's boner. No, that wasn't a typo. Junior stomps around the ring, scaring away Spot. Three minutes in, and we finally get a headlock from Spot. Shoulderblock does nothing either way. I thought I heard a "Boring" chant starting up. There it goes. Lockup into the ropes, and a clean break. Junior with a mule kick as Spot tries a sneak attack. Spot rolls out of the ring for more stalling. Clip to much later in the match, and Junior controls with more mule kicks. Junior hits the rope and splashes Spot for a two count. Junior with a big right for another two count. Spot wth an inverted atomic drop, then takes a swipe at Jim. Junior recovers and mule kicks Spot, off camera, for the three count at a clipped 5:58. -* Terrible match.Uncle Elmer & Cousin Junior (w/ Hillbilly Jim) vs. Barry O & Jerry Adams:
Televised on September 10th, 1985. I don't care what show. I just want to this tape to finally end. Barry O is of relation to Bob Orton and Randy Orton, but he's most famous for helping spill the beans on some sexual assault problems during the early 90's. Elmer and Barry O start with a lockup, which is won by Elmer, of course. Barry O tries for a hammerlock, but Elmer throws him away. Barry O works the arm, but gets whipped to the corner and taken over with a back drop. Junior tags in and works the arm. Irish whip, and Junior with a shoulder block. Barry O with a back breaker, then tags in Adams, who gets worked over with mule kicks. Irish whip, and Elmer stops the jobbers momentum, and Junior sits on him for the three count at 2:30. Thankfully, this is the last match on the tape. The Hillbillies all celebrate afterwards.- From Saturday Night's Main Event, Uncle Elmer gets married! To make a long story short, Jesse Ventura disaproves, Roddy Piper really disaproves, Hogan rocks an awesome leather best-man outfit, and Elmer makes out with his bride on national television. Apparently this was a legit wedding reception, except it was incorporated into a wrestling storyline. Must feel bad for Elmer's wife, then, having her wedding at a wrestling show and being pelted with trash.
Final Thoughts: This tape didn't take long to take a dive, did it? I must admit, the training stuff with Hillbilly Jim was somewhat enjoyable, sometimes hilarious, and his squash matches were tolerable. Then we got Uncle Elmer, and although he stank, his matches were incredibly short. Then we got Cousin Junior, who not only stank worse, but wrestled much longer matches. For the most part, none of these matches were very competetive, and regardless of this being a tape with bad wrestling or not, the excessive use of meaningless free television matches and segments makes it hard to want to recommend a tape in the first place. Then, take into account how bad the entire tape is, sans a few segments, and it makes this one of the Worst Coliseum Videos ever released. Strongest Recommendation to Avoid. And take off your damn hats when you work out!
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