Coliseum Video: WWF's Biggest, Smallest, Strangest, Strongest
by Scrooge McSuck
- I'm not looking forward to this one. This one goes along the lines of Bloopers, Bleeps, and Bodyslams, except without a lot of the comedy stuff, and basically showcases a bunch of clips of whatever the hell video the production crew was combing through for material. This tape features very little, if any, actual "matches", so this review shouldn't take too long to get through, if you're the reader.
- Jesse Ventura is the host, and he can certainly fit under three of these titles. His ear-rings consist of crosses and playing cards, and he's wearing a military beret. The one good thing about ALL of these Coliseum Videos... the opening montage and the music. Especially the music. Sucks to be someone watching these on 24/7 or whatever it's called now, thanks to the music being dubbed over with generic crap.
THE BIGGEST!
- Andre The Giant is featured, and we're shown clips of a match against Samoan #3, otherwise known as Samu.
- Clips of the Bobo Brazil vs. Fred Blassie match that was featured on Best of the WWF Vol. 2. Brazil's size and strength are showcased.
- Clips of Haystacks Calhoun, and yes, it's the same match featured on WWF's Most Unusual Matches.
- Ernie Ladd is squashing two jobbers in the corner, and one of them is Frankie Williams, otherwise known as the jobber who got mouthy with Roddy Piper and got his clock cleaned for it.
- Ivan Koloff is beating up on someone, and it's pretty old footage, too.
- Gorilla Monsoon is working over some guy in a loin-cloth named "The Wolfman". We actually get a finish to these clips, as Monsoon defeats his opponent with a pretty impressive splash. Good height on that one, Gorilla.
- Blackjack Mulligan is on Piper's Pit and doesn't take no crap off of nobody. Points to whoever gets the reference to the last part of that sentence.
- Clips of Hulk Hogan vs. Big John Studd, and yes, it's the first match between the two on the Hulkamania video, pulled from the Meadowlands Arena.
- Nikolai Volkoff gives someone the back breaker that's shown in the opening montage of these early Coliseum Video releases.
- King Kong Bundy is taking on Tony Garea, the original Outback Jack, you could say. Bundy uses his massive size to over-power his opponent.
- Hillbilly Jim! And Jesse Ventura hypes an upcoming video showcasing Hillbilly Jim. Yay. He beats the crap out of Rene Goulet in the Squash to See Who's Posh. Yeah, I know I ripped that off from someone else, but I think it's funny, dammit! Hillbilly Jim wins it with the bearhug. Clip to Hillbilly Jim introducing Uncle Elmer on Piper's Pit... Piper takes a crack at the bell hanging around his neck, totally no-selling his big unvailing.
THE SMALLEST!
- Ivan The Terrible and Billy The Kid vs. Tiny Tom and Butch Cassidy. We get clips of one team acting goofy. Oh, the comedy! That's all that's shown, really.
- Tiger Jackson and The Haiti Kid vs. Pancho Boy and Cana Carpenter. Nice babyface team. One of them become a midget clown that gave me nightmares courtesy of a horrifying image from the 1994 Survivor Series, and the other got his hair cut off to resemble Mr. T, courtesy of Roddy Piper. If a midget tape was Piper abusing them the whole time, I would slap my money down on the counter for it in half a second. Jackson pins Pancho with a second rope cross body.
- Little Beaver and Sunny Boy vs. Butch Cassidy and Skylolo (spelling on the graphic). Beaver is probably most recognized as the midget that got squashed by King Kong Bundy at WrestleMania III, and I believe he's the brother of Tiger Jackson. Small world, isn't it, and pun most definitely intended.
- Little Joey and Frenchie Lamont vs. Little Brutus and Skylolo. I'm taking a pass here, but Ventura told an interesting (but probably fake) story of how Lamont once carried Gorilla Monsoon across a room in a fireman's carry position. Whenever I hear the name "Lamont", I just want to call someone a big dummy.
THE STRANGEST!
- Clips of a team called the Rugged Russians. They're masked, and probably not Russian. This looks really old, possibly late 60's or early 70's, at the latest.
- The Wolfman vs. Gorilla Monsoon match is used once again, this time because the Wolfman is so strange. Talk about being lazy. They couldn't find a different match to use, so they wouldn't use the same one twice?
- Pampero Firpo. He has some wild hair and appears to wrestle like a wildman. Ventura puts him over as an intelligent man outside the ring. Breaking kayfabe, eh?!
- Crazy Luke Graham sticks his hand down his tights and pounds on his opponent with it. Graham's manager, The Grand Wizard, cuts a promo after the match. The WWF always seemed to swoon over the Wizard in retrospectives, but have never really given us much material and video on his stuff to make us understand why. Vince McMahon accuses the Wizard of planting a sign that's complimentary of himself. Pot. Kettle. Black. The Wizard accuses the fans of being booze-hounds as the reason why they don't respect the Wizard and his proteges.
- Maurice "Mad Dog" Vachon is featured, getting a strong babyface reaction from a Michigan crowd. Okay... Vachon had been trotted out in the late 90's in spots where his prosthetic foot was removed from his body in acts of horrible heel behavior.
- Lord Alfred Hayes is having a tea-party with the British Bulldogs, Mr. Fuji, and Moondog Spot. Ventura quotes the American Express slogan in reference to Spot's bone. This seems incredibly odd and rare, as I've never heard of this clip before. Fuji dislikes the cheap China presented in front of them, and Spot starts smashing everything in sight with his bone. Cause I'm T N T! (Editor's Note: "OY!)
- Mil Mascaras is featured, teaming up with S.D. Jones, taking on Dick Murdoch and Adrian Adonis. How is this strange, because he wears a mask? OOH! STRANGE! Mascaras never seemed to fit anywhere when the WWF used him back in the day.
- Captain Lou Albano, the manager of Champions, is shown in various state of dress, and yes, we get the greatest Gorilla Monsoon comment of all time. Clips from Bloopers, Bleeps and Bodyslams recycled.
- Nikolai Volkoff sings the Russian National Anthem, from Wrestlemania. Big whoop.
- Montage of some weird outfits worn by WWF Superstars. Ventura's pink suit from Wrestlemania. Adrian Adonis' leather jacket and dog collar. The Iron Shiek's head-dress. That's not weird in his culture. Bruts Beefcake's shiny vest. Really strange! That was sarcasm. Junkyard Dog's dog collar and chain. Chief Jay Strongbow in his indian garb. Sorry, Native-American. Hulk Hogan ripping off his t-shirt... now come on, that's stretching it a bit, I would say. How about the footage of Gene Okerlund in trunks?! Toddy Piper's kilt. Again, cultural, not strange. Jimmy Hart's obnoxious suit covered in music notes. Fred Blassies' goofy jacket. Dyndi Lauper's pork-pie hat. Greg Valentine's robe. HOW IS THAT STRANGE?! Bobby Heenan in his usual sequined jacket. Johnny Valiant looking goofy. All of these clips are from previous Coliseum Video releases. This went on for FIVE MINUTES.
- Bobby Heenan, Big John Studd, and Ken Patera abuse some poor shmuck and give him a hair cut and treatment. Heenan sprays him with "Delouser" to kill the lice. "No more sitting home at night with those magazines." They tie the guy to the chair with a piece of rope. Clip ahead to them drenching him in whatever they can find. McMahon is having a hard time covering up his laughter, and the stage crew is clearly having a ball watching this. Funny segment. "I don't know what this is, but it can't hurt!"
- Mad Maxine! A female grappler that stood at an incredible 6'4".
- The Missing Link! Bobby Heenan brings Vince and Lord Alfred to the cave where the Link resides. There's a piece of meat on a spit, over a crudely constructed fire.. Was this the DarkWorld version of the Dungeon of Doom or something?
- George "The Animal" Steele goes down on a turnbuckle and throws around its stuffing. Thank goodness the turnbuckles don't contain that crap anymore, and thank goodness even more for Steele staying away from wrestling rings.Here, he gets to punish poor Steve Lombardi, in a way Pat Patterson never could.
THE STRONGEST!!
- First, a special disclaimer. Do not attempt any of what you've seen or are about to see yourself, as these feats of strength and weirdness are performed by trained athletes.
- Bepo The Mongol beats up on Bruno Sammartino. Bepo would eventually be known more famously as Nikolai Volkoff.
- Ivan Putski takes on Jesse "The Body" Ventura in a special Arm-Wrestling Challenge. This goes on FOREVER, until Ventura is almost defeated, then beats the crap out of Putski with a steel chair. Putski sure knows how to play dead. This is where I make a incredibly inapropriate comment regarding World War II, but taste prevails.
- The Iron Shiek swings his Persian Clubs, while his harem watches on in the background. Pulled from an episode of TNT, of course.
- Big John Studd attempts to break a record of 700 pounds in bench-pressing (or whatever the "record" was at the time), but fails to do so, blaming in a bad start and spot, or whatever stupid excuse he could come up with. Who was the guy that was helping? Looked like Billy Jack Haynes, but I don't know how long he was around back then. Studd tries again, this time with Bruno Sammartino doing a spot for him. That's a weird visual.
- Mr. USA, Tony Atlas, does some posing in a match against Ken Patera, Wrestling's Strongest Man. Now there's a gimmick that's been surely a career killer. Anyone with that tag has never gotten over to jutify their push in the last twenty years.
- Ken Patera: Project Bad-Ass! First, we see him drive a spike through a piece of wood. Next, he bends a small piece of metal into a pretzel. Finally, he blows up a hot-water bottle like it's a balloon. All pretty impressive feats of strength, but I think he popped the water bottle illegally. BUT WAIT! There's more! Ken Patera uses his feet and his back up against a wall to keep a van from crushing him. I don't know if that was gimmicked, but I've seen enough tough man contests during long nights of insomnia, and it's not out of the realm of actually being done here.
And that ends the tape. Thankfully.
Final Thoughts: A Complete waste of 90 minutes. I think I've enjoyed the tea party, barbershop stuff with the Heenan Family, a small portion of the Ken Patera feature, and to a minor extent, the Grand Wizard's promo. All of that combines to about 9 minutes, meaning the other 81 minutes of this tape was just a boring chore to sit through. I could never give this even the slightest bit of a thumbs up recommendation. One of the worst and most pointless Coliseum Videos you will ever find. Strongest Recommendation to Avoid.
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