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Wednesday, September 20th 2017.
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WWF WrestleMania IX
by Scrooge McSuck

- Live from Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, NV. This show has the "honor" of being voted possibly the worst Wrestlemania of all time, but I disagree, and can name quite a few others that have been much, much worse. In a Dark Match, Tito Santana FINALLY ended his Wrestlemania Suck Streak, by defeating Papa Shango.

- The Broadcast Team for Wrestlemania IX is the debuting Jim Ross, Randy Savage, and Bobby Heenan. The introductions take forever here, as we get a bunch of garbage before bringing out Randy Savage who's being fed grapes, and Bobby Heenan, who is being brought out riding on a Camel backwards. Everyone is wearing a Toga, except for Savage, who just makes fun of Heenan for a while (he smells, you know).

- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Shawn Michaels (w/ Luna Vachon) vs. Tatanka (w/ Sensational Sherri):

For the third straight WrestleMania, Shawn Michaels is opening the show. One has to wonder if the original plan was a Jannetty/Michaels rematch from Royal Rumble, if not for the sudden firing (surprise) of Jannetty. Leading up to this show, Tatanka pinned Michaels in a Non-Title Match on the 2/13 episode of SuperStars, then again in a 6-Man Tag on 2/22 MNR. Luna is making her debut, as a way to counter the involvment of Sherri in Tatanka's corner. Who would've guessed these two would be wrestling in the WWF in 2006? As for the match, it's not as spectacular as a match as I originally gave it credit. The first half of the match is pretty good, but once Michaels takes control with his rest holds, it just kills the entire flow of the match. The ending isn't much better... Tatanka has Michaels defeated, but a brouhaha errupts outside the ring, and in the chaos, Michaels intentionally hits the referee, awarding the match to Tatanka by Disqualification at 18:12. What the hell was the point of a cop-out ending, at WRESTLEMANIA, for a feud that was forgotten the next day!? Decent match, but nothing amazing. (**1/2)

- The Steiner Brothers vs. The Head Shrinkers (w/ Afa):
No backstory to this match. It's just an excuse to get the Steiner Brothers on the Pay-Per-View. In the Miracle of 1993 Candidate, the Steiners actually carry the Head Shrinkers to an entertaining match, keep up a fast pace for the majority of it. Cool "Steiners" spot that was rarely busted out, a top rope clothesline... from both Steiners on the same turnbuckle. Even when the Shrinkers are in control, Scott takes a splended ass-kicking, including a very fucked up hot shot that sees him spill over the top rope. Rick eventually gets the hot tag, but Scott always makes the pin, so he somehow becomes involved and kills Samu with an ugly Frankensteiner at 14:22. Probably the best match the Head Shrinkers had in the WWF. (***)

- Crush vs. Doink The Clown:
Backstory to this match... Doink was doing mean tricks on everyone, until Crush told him to stop picking on the kids br'a. So Doink returned the threats with a "loaded arm" smashed over Crush's head about 50 times. Crush dominates the majority of the match, but it still sucks, since outside of a couple of cool moves, he just does sloppy punch-kick crap. Doink gets some token offense, but not a lot. In a trend we'll be seeing a lot more, there's a REFEREE BUMP. Crush has Doink in the Cranium Crunch (worst. finisher. ever.) but a second Doink comes from under the ring, and nails Crush with a loaded cast arm. It's Steve Kiern, unless someone else has proof otherwise. Anyway, Doink and Doink do a mock mirror image thing, then Doink makes the cover at 8:27. Not a good match, and why are NO feuds being blown off at WrestleMania!? [1/2*]

- Bob Backlund vs. Razor Ramon:
Yes, the bookers must be insane. Another match with no backstory. Just an excuse to get Razor Ramon on the card, and Backlund is only here because he's on the Job Squad Express. Total uninteresting match, which is highlighted by the fans cheering for arrogant heel Ramon over smiling good-guy Backlund. After about 3-minutes of "action", Ramon pins Backlund with a small package at 3:44. Damn, we couldn't even get to see a Razor's Edge at WrestleMania? Me so disappointed! [1/2*]

- WWF Tag Team Championship Match:
Money Inc. vs. The Mega Maniacs (w/ Jimmy Hart):

(Ted Dibiase & I.R.S. vs. Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake)
According to the commentary, the Nasty Boys "stepped down" from their title shot and gave it to the Maniacs. This was set up about 7 weeks earlier, when Beefcake made his return to the ring. In his first match back, IRS and Dibiase beat the crap out of him and busted his surgically repaired face with IRS' briefcase. Beefcake returned the favor by bringing Hulkamania back to the WWF. In a highly debated topic of 1993, Hulk Hogan comes to the ring with a black eye and stitches. Arguments over what happend into a workout accident, "sailing accident", or Randy Savage punched him in the face. I eliminate the latter, because it would take one hell of a punch to rip open someones forehead AND black an eye like that. The match is another unspectacular outing, thanks to the fact Dibiase and IRS can't do anything to either mans face. In a moment that really bugs me, it takes Dibiase 2-minutes to put Hogan out with a sleeper, but Beefcake does the same to Dibiase in 5-seconds. In a shocking event, we get a REFEREE BUMP! The Mega Maniacs cheat and get caught, I don't care, and Money Inc. retain the titles at 18:48. Way too fucking long. Afterwards, the Mega Morons pose for a good 8-minutes. [*]

[Note: I'm C&P the old review from here. I can't stand this show!]

- Mr. Perfect vs. "The Narcissist" Lex Luger:
Perfect fucks up in his pre-match Interview, stuttering over his words and calling Luger "the Lexissist Larc", then tries to cover it up and pretends thats what he meant to say. I guess that interview wasn't "Perfect". Lugers entrance is entertaining, although that's mainly for the asses of his valets for a day (Vince was giving people T & A in 1993?), and Lugers theme music really rules. Heenan and Savage drool over the ladies, although Savage tries saying Heenans doing that over Luger. Mr. Perfect gets a pretty nice pop, which makes me wonder why he didn't get an Intercontinental Title run in 1993... before his back started going again. One of the ladies hits on Perfect it seems during his entrance, and he kinda brushes her off, but smiles about it. Lockup to start, and Luger with a wristlock. They exchange counters, with Luger taking Perfect down, but he mule kicks Luger off. Perfect with a standing side headlock, and a series of counters with hammerlocks goes into the ropes. Luger rakes the eyes of Hennig, but gets punched hard in the midsection and Perfect follows with a knee lift. Side headlock by Perfect, followed by a shoulder block. A Criss cross sequence commences, and Perfect nails Luger with a running dropkick, sending him to the outside. Back inside, and they lockup into the corner, and Luger gets a cheap shot in. Heenan has been on all night with the commentary, now confusing a polygraph test with stuff for false teeth. Perfect blocks a big boot with a single leg trip, then connects with a knee drop across the left leg of the Narcissist. Perfect kicks away at Lugers leg, then applies a spinning toe hold. Luger continues working over the leg as Heenan, with a straight sounding voice, tries saying Lex Luger is better than Muhammad Ali. Hennig kills Luger with chops, but gets whipped hard into the corner. Irish whip to the opposite corner, and Perfect with an over-sell. Heenan makes fun of Jim Ross for being from Oklahoma, then says he should be happy Indoor plumbing comes to Oklahoma in 1994. Back inside the ring we go, and Luger hammers away on the lower back of Hennig. Luger with a back breaker and elbow drop for a two count, as the match has taken a more methodical pace. Perfect with a series of kicks to the chest of Luger followed some roundhouse rights. Irish whip to the corner, but Perfect runs into a knee, and Luger with a double leg trip pin, but the referee catches him using the ropes. Irish whip, and Luger with a powerslam for a delayed two count. Irish whip, and Hennig with a sunset flip out of nowhere for a two count. Perfect ducks a clothesline and applies a sleeper hold, but Luger backs him into the corner. Perfect slaps the skin off of Lugers chest, and hammers away on him into the corner. Irish whip, and Perfect catches Luger with an inside cradle for a two count. Irish whip, and Perfect with a back body drop. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, and Luger crashes chest first. Slingshot by Perfect sends Luger into the buckle, followed by some rights. Irish whip, and Perfect with a forearm across the forehead for a two count. The strap is down, and Hennig means business now. Hennig with slow mounted punches in the corner, followed by a clothesline for another two count as Heenan starts having a heart attack. Perfect with a swinging neck breaker for a two count once again. Perfect goes to the top rope and connects with a missile dropkick for a two count. Back slide attempt is blocked by Luger, and he takes him over, but Perfects feet on the ropes. However, the referee doesn't see it, and counts the three for Luger anyway, giving him the cheap victory (another one) at 10:57. **3/4 One of Lugers best matches in the WWF. Outside of a small portion near the early part of the match, they kept up a good pace, and Perfect tried his damndest to get a good match out of him, and was successful. After the match, Luger KO's Perfect with the running forearm of steel. Perfect recovers then goes after Luger backstage, but gets his ass kicked for no reason by Shawn Michaels, who suddenly was done feuding with Tatanka.

- The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. The Giant Gonzalez (w/ Harvey Wippleman):
Oh... Damn. Most fans who think they are smart will say this match was put on before the main event because Vince purposely wanted to kill the crowd to make it look like Bret Hart and Yokozuna weren't over enough for the Main Event before Hogan came out to make him look stronger, but again, I hate when people make shit up like that (hypothetically speaking). The Undertaker makes his first "spectacular" entrance at a Wrestlemania, riding to the ring in a chariot with a vulture on a pirch connected to it. The Undertaker is currently 2-0 at Wrestlemania, destroying Jimmy Snuka at Wrestlemania VII and Jake Roberts at Wrestlemania VIII. Bill Alfonso is the referee of course, since he was in charge of helping Gonzalez around in WCW and WWF. They go face to airbrushed tits, and Gonzalez nails him with a series of forearms, but Undertaker no sells them. Undertaker a series of thrusts into the throat of Gonzalez, and he chokes. Gonzalez no sells and chokes Undertaker back. Undertaker goes up the ropes and chokes Gonzalez back once again. Gonzalez with a really low blow, but he misses an attack in the corner. Undertaker with a wristlock and he comes off the top rope with the clothesline across the back (a.k.a Old School). Undertaker chops away on the Giant Gonzalez and stomps a mudhole in him. Gonzalez nails Undertaker with a big boot, followed by a clothesline. Gonzalez nails Undertaker across the back with a forearm, and hip tosses him out of the corner. Gonzalez applies a sleeper hold, although it looks more like a choke. Undertaker actually sells this like death, but starts getting back to his feet and elbows Gonzalez in the midsection. Undertaker tries a charge, but throws himself out through the middle ropes. Gonzalez follows and pounds away on Undertaker with chops and forearms, followed by ramming him into a steel step. Back inside the ring, and Gonzalez lays out Undertaker with headbutts. Undertaker tries fighting back with blows to the throat, stunning the giant. They exchange blows and Undertaker takes gonzalez down to his knee. Wippleman tosses something to Gonzalez, who headbutts Paul Bearer and chokes out the Undertaker with a cloth, which apparently has cloroform on it, and the referee calls for the DQ at 7:31. Afterwards, Undertaker gets stretchered out, and Gonzalez beats up some referees after the match. However... the bell tolls, and Undertaker comes back out, and beats on Gonzalez, and floors him with a clothesline! 1/4* Please forgive me, but the match wasn't negative stars bad. The Undertaker looked like he was trying hard here, and basically was wrestling and throwing himself around enough to make it not entirely horrible. Hey, if people can give ** to NATHAN JONES vs. anyone, then I can give something above a DUD to the Undertaker busting his ass.

- Highlights from the February 6th, 1993 episode of Superstars when Yokozuna destroyed "American Hero" Jim Duggan with 5 Banzai Drops, putting him out of action. Highlights follow from last week when Yokozuna attacked Bret Hart at the contract signing (no shock) and put him out with a Banzai Drop. In something that people should've seen something come from, Mean Gene interviews... Hulk Hogan (Sporting a fucked up left eye), who isn't even part of the World Title Match. He gives the thumbs up to Bret Hart (eh...) and makes a nasty racial slurr about Yokozuna ("jap?!") while challenging the winner for the title.

- WWF-World Championship Match:
Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji):

It's time for the Main Event of Wrestlemania IX. Yokozuna makes history as he became the first person to win a Royal Rumble Match that had the #1 Contenders Stipulation, and thats all that you really need to know for this match. I could've sworn I saw Vladimir somewhere in the crowd during the show, but I guess I'll just say I did and get it over with. Hart has the rarely worn all pink and white tights on, which I guess are his "random luck" ones. Hart starts the match with a running dropkick, and he hammers away on Yoko in the corner followed by mounted punches. Yokozuna shoves him off, so Hart comes back in pounding with rights. Bret tries a go-behind waistlock, but Yokozuna shrugs him off and sends him out of the ring with a shoulder block. Bret plays smart and ties up Yokozunas ankle in the middle and bottom ropes, then comes in with a splash and mounted punches. Hart goes to the second rope and connects with an elbow drop as the referee finally unties the big man. Hart with a series of charging clothesline, but Yokozuna kills him with one of his own, and follows with a forearm across the throat. Scoop slam by Yokozuna and he drops a massive leg drop that has the crowd go groan in unison. The crowd chants U-S-A, which is funny because Bret Hart is Canadian, and Yokozuna is "Japanese". Yokozuna chokes Hart across the top rope and slings him back into the middle of the ring. Choking from Yokozuna and he turns it into the vulcan nerve pinch. Irish whip ot the corner, and Bret catches him coming in with a boot to the face followed by a bulldog takeover for a two count! Yokozuna connects with the reverse cresent kick and apparently is sucking wind (contrary to what Heenan has said). Snapmare by Yokozuna, and he goes back to work on the muscles in the neck of Hart. Hart fights back ot his feet, but gets whipped hard to the corner. Yokozuna misses the fat ass splash in the corner, and Hart takes him down with another bulldog for a two count. Hart goes to the second rope and connects with an elbow drop for another two count. Hart comes off the second rope with a clothesline, and the Hart Attack clothesline drops Yokozuna again. Hart with mounted punches in the corner, but Yokozuna pulls him out of the corner so hard, that Bret grabs the buckle and it rips off. Hart blocks being sent to the corner and rams Yokozuna into it instead, dropping him. Hart applies the sharpshooter near the ropes to a big pop, but Mr. Fuji throws salt in Harts eyes to break the hold, and Yokozuna quickly covers for the B.S. three count at 8:54 to become the New WWF Champion. *1/2 Same formula as the previosu match. Hart basically wrestled himself while Yokozuna just stood around as a target. Hogan comes out after the match to check on Hart, but of course, that doesn't mean anything. Mr. Fuji gets on the microphone in his broken english, and challenges Hogan to a match for the title... and he accepts after Bret tells him to.

- WWF-World Championship Match:
Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. Hulk Hogan:

The bell never actually rings, but Savage makes a pretend bell sounding with a "ding ding", and Hogan charges into the ring. Yokozuna kicks him in the chest a few times and holds him in place for another salt shot. Hogan ducks, nails Fuji with a clothesline, nails Yokozuna with a clothesline, drops the big leg, and Hogan wins his 5th (and final for 10 years) World Championship at 0:23. NR Since this wasn't an actual match, but damn the mark out value was through the roof, even today when I know the B.S. surrounding the situation. The crowd is still pretty hot as Hogan celebrates as the show comes to an end.

Side Note Special Report: Due to some unknown reasons (I forgot what WWF's excuse was on TV, but they ran short on time), the scheduled match between Kamala and Bam Bam Bigelow has been canceled. Kinda weird, how that happend three years in a row (WM VIII had Bulldog vs. Berzerker, WM IX this, and WM X had the big Ten-Man Tag, that was rescheduled for an episode of Monday Night Raw).

Final Thoughts: This show sucks, and I can't believe I defended it so much before. Thumbs way the fuck down!

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