WWF TNT- May 28, 1986
by Scrooge McSuck
- Hosted by Vince McMahon along with co-host Lord Alfred Hayes. This week, Vince will be joined by a list of guests that includes Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Jimmy Hart, Tito Santana, Bobby Heenan, Big John Studd, King Kong Bundy, and a Special TNT Edition of "THE MATING GAME." That's such good sh*t, pal.
Guest #1: Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Heenan sells struggling to find his way through the curtain, so we're off on the right foot. Heenan responds to cat calling that someone made bail. McMahon mentions Heenan's latest find to go along with Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy."Handsome" Harley Race (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. John Centeno:
From the May 24th episode of Championship Wrestling. The in-ring debut for Race, the former 7-time NWA World Heavyweight Champion. Race is one of countless men who insisted they would never work for Vince McMahon after the National expansion, but here we are, with Race a 26-year veteran at this point and this turned out to be the tail-end of his in-ring career, though that had less to do with his age but an unfortunate in-ring injury accelerating the countdown. Heenan being instantly assigned to Race might be an attempt to guarantee a negative reaction, since Race's biggest runs were in the Central and Southern territories. Lockup and Centeno grabs a side headlock, only for Race to counter with a back suplex. He measures Centeno and drops a knee across the face before tossing him out of the ring. Race follows, throwing the poor geek face-first into the guardrail. Back inside, Centeno throws a few rights, but Race cuts him off with a headbutt and takes him down with a swinging neck breaker. Race drops down with a headbutt across the chest and hits a shoulder breaker. Vince and Bruno discus the "Handsome" nickname as he finishes Centeno with a piledriver and slingshot brain-buster suplex at 3:09. The nerve of Centeno putting up a fight, looking like he was trying to kick out. Good work in the ring from Race, which isn't much of a surprise.Back in the studio, McMahon calls it a good look at Race and says it's fitting to have Heenan here for the 2nd anniversary of TNT. Hopefully, he'll be around for the cutting of the cake. Alfred sticks his nose at the idea of him cooking, saying he has servants for that. McMahon chimes "Alfred has been dusted before with flour from time to time, having been involved in the white stuff before." JESUS, VINCE. Vince whips out the latest edition of the WWF Magazine, covering the happenings of WrestleMania 2, including the Cage Match between Hulk Hogan and King Kong Bundy. King Kong Bundy joins them on the set, and I'm sure we're getting more whining about the outcome of that match. BUNDY-MANIA IS RUNNING RAMPANT. The crowd actually chanted "Bundy" and got me thinking of a sitcom that had yet to debut on the fledgling FOX Network. We get the highlights of the finish from WrestleMania 2, as we've seen on a recent episode of Championship Wrestling. Bundy said Hogan only proved he can climb better and run faster than him. Heenan says we've never seen a cage like that before, never attempting to go through the door. Heenan says the door was snug for him at 235 pounds, but what about the size of a man like Bundy, or even Hulk? CONSPIRACY. McMahon says Heenan has been able to WEASEL out of tight situations before and asks what Bundy's plans are for the future. He said he should be the Heavyweight Champion and calls it a shallow victory for Hogan. If he's any kind of a man, put the belt up again, and Heenan promises to build a cage for himself in the parking lot.
We come back from another commercial break (THREE SEGMENTS FOR THE HEENAN FAMILY!) with Bundy admiring his LJN action figure. Back to the WWF Magazine, now we're getting a look at the 20-Man Invitational Battle Royal that was won by Andre the Giant and obviously not won by our next man to join the set, Big John Studd. He's looking dapper for a man of his size. Vince says he doesn't think the sofa has ever had this much poundage before. Studd says he feels like he embarrassed the entire NFL for what he was able to do to the Refrigerator Perry at WrestleMania 2. They brag about finally getting rid of Andre the Giant, and now Hulk Hogan is on their list. Vince throws it to the video footage, and it's the closing moments of the British Bulldogs vs. Bundy and Studd from the May 17th episode of Championship Wrestling, with the big deal being a quick skirmish between the two behemoths. Studd is mad about them showing something that happened a long time ago. Heenan accuses Vince of trying to stir the pot, and claims there's no animosity between them, and compares it to Football players banging on each other after a big play. Bundy says Vince and the low-lives in attendance don't understand the intensity they have, especially when things don't go the way they want. Vince predicts they'll wake up and see the light when they finally dump Bobby Heenan. "I'VE NEVR BEEN DUMPED!" "Paul Orndorff." Name TWO then!" Heenan nearly falls over Alfred in his excited ranting. "I don't need you to make a fool out of me!" Vince whiffs on the softball throw, not coming back with the obvious. This bit with Heenan and Company took up nearly half the broadcast run time... and much deserved. It was a great bit from beginning to end.
Guest #2: Tito Santana
We've seen Tito flounder as an entertaining guest before, so I have little belief this will outshine the Bobby Heenan Show (and I don't mean the awful experiment from July 1989). Tito Santana was a guest on the first show two years ago, and he's here again. They have champagne glasses on Vince's desk, and Santana brings out a LITTLE BIT OF THE BUBBLY. Santana offers to peel the label, and Vince says Alfred is used to "peeling things back." Vince is just going for the throat tonight. He teases aiming the cork at Alfred, making a disturbing EVIL VINCE face before remembering he can't murder another person on prime time television. We throw it to clips from the first episode, and HOLY CRAP the set and video footage looks terrible back in 1984. I've actually covered that episode a long time ago, and I probably hate my recap since I hate everything when I change styles.BREAKING NEWS: "Mean" Gene Okerlund will take over hosting duties beginning NEXT WEEK. NO, SAY IT AIN'T SO, VINCE! SAY IT AIN'T SO! They share some of the BUBBLY, and Bobby Heenan interrupts, asking why he wasn't invited to the party. Maybe he'll take the cake and bring it to Bundy and Studd... and then he chucks the cake in Heenan's face. YES! YES! YES! Alfred can't even sell being mad, bursting into hysterics.
TNT Presents "THE MATING GAME" with Vince McMahon
They've constructed a make-shift set. Vince says every day is Valentine's Day on the Mating Game. We have three special bachelors competing for the attention and affection of a lovely young lady. She will ask them some personal questions and choose her "dream date." The couple will return after their date and split a prize of $10,000, called the "Kiss and Tell Bonus." The three bachelors are Jimmy Hart, Bret Hart, and Jim Neidhart. Vince gives us ridiculous tidbits on each of them, like Jimmy Hart's collection of Hush Puppies, Bret's idea of a good time is taffy-pulling and writing letters to the Playboy editors, and Jim Neidhart enjoys Rump Roast, Ham Radio, and bright colors. Vince welcomes us to Phoebe Zimmerman, assuming that's her real name. We're already off to a cheesy start with the "bachers" (Vince can't consistently pronounce bachelor) greeting her, including Neidhart saying "Hello, my child" in a posh tone and her getting excited about it.Question #1: "How do you know it's the right time to kiss a girl for the first time?" Jimmy Hart says parts of your body send you the signal, and his response is unimpressive. The second question is for Bret, and how long can he last in the bedroom. He can go for a few hours in the ring, so he can go all night long. Neidhart's question is to describe the level of passion in love making, and Neidhart compares it to a nuclear explosion. Back to Bret, "does he consider himself an arm wrestler, leg wrestler, or tongue wrestler?" Since he's from a cold climate and his nose is running and at a young age, he learned to lick his eyebrows. Jimmy's idea of can't-miss foreplay is to lube up the megaphone and stick it in your ear. How would #3 (Anvil) keep her warm in the cold? His answer is too intricate and not nice. This continues for a few more minutes, and it's lost its charm a while ago.
Before we get to the big reveal, the "Dream Date" will involve a SHINY BUS bound for Three Mile Island. I wonder if they saved the bus for the Lex Express. They'll also have a rustic dinner and serve as honorary pin setters at a bowling tournament. If that's not enticing enough, they'll get to towel off with Musky Brand towelettes. When it's time for Miss Zimmerman to make her decision, she comes to the realization that this deal is worse than signing a WWE contract and all three of the bachelors aren't worth going on a date with. Jimmy calls her a real bow-wow. Good news: They have a back-up bachelorette, Miss Yolanda Jones, a short middle-aged woman with an afro and huge mole on her upper-lip. She chooses Bachelor #3: Jim Neidhart. The big reveal is made, and he tries to back-peddle away from her, but the contract is BINDING. Jimmy and Bret enjoy the misery of Neidhart. The woman offers Neidhart the entire $10,000 for going on the date with her. ISN'T LOVE GRAND? McMahon playing a scummy game-show host feels perfect. We come back from commercial and Vince McMahon sweeps the original contestant off her feet. Literally. Gene Okerlund shows up, and Vince passes her along as his final act as host of TNT.
Final Thoughts: If you weren't sure TNT was off the rails last week with Paul Christy, this one was all over the place, with Vince accusing Alfred of, among other things, being a cocaine fiend, the over-the-top ridiculous setting of the Mating Game, and clearly having fun with things instead of trying to present it as a straight-faced talk show like we saw in the clip during Santana's brief time on the stage. This marks the end of Vince McMahon as the host, and we're only three months away from the end of TNT, so we'll see how Okerlund handles hosting duties on a full time basis.
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