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WWF Superstars - December 9, 1995

by Scrooge McSuck

- We open the show with a comical "menu" describing what our feature match is going to bring us. We've got the appetizers, like Mr. Bob Backlund's Famous Presidential Style Chicken Wings, that come in Hot, Four Alarm, or Nuclear! This is to remind us that recently, Bob Backlund has started snapping again, including an attack on JIM ROSS, but thanks to the timely save of Savio Vega, further damage wasn't done... so we get, as our "main course", Savio Vega vs. MR. Bob Backlund this week on Superstars. Yay.

- I would like to point the version of title music used for the time that this episode came from. It's a generic, goofy "rap" that manages to name drop Diesel, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Razor Ramon, Dean Douglas, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Psycho Sid, the British Bulldog, King Mabel, Waylon Mercy, Hakushi, Isaac Yankem, Vince McMahon, and Jerry Lawler. They wound up redoing the song to acomadate the roster turn over during the spring of '96. It's pretty lame.

- Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and the recently returned Mr. Perfect are calling all the action, and this episode was taped from Salisbury, MD, just days after the Survivor Series. I'm sure a lot of people don't miss those television tapings that determined four weeks worth of programming at a time.

Diesel vs. Rad Radford:

I'm smelling a squash match here. Radford is probably best known as Louis Spicolli, an often used "jobber" for years before getting a shot as a "superstar." Diesel is playing the "I don't give a crap" character that made him kind of cool again. He's going to face Owen Hart at the next In Your House, hoping to get revenge for his best friend, Shawn Michaels. Lockup, and Radford hammers away. Diesel with knees to the midsection, followed by elbows to the side of the head. Whip to the corner, and Diesel follows in with a clothesline. Irish whip, and Diesel with a big boot. Diesel signals for something, and yes, the Jacknife Powerbomb ends Radford's afternoon at a brisk 1:31. Well, that certainly was impressive. At least he wasn't fed someone with real crediblity. Radford's moment of glory seemed to be playing a lackey for the Body Donnas. Vince McMahon heads tor ringside to get comments from Diesel, but Diesel completely snubs him. Good for you, Diesel.

- We get a weird commercial. It's a police lineup of Santa Claus, and if I can take a stab at it, I can identify them all as Razor Ramon, Ahmed Johnson, Harvey Wippleman, Yokozuna, and Hakushi. Some kid fingers the third one (Wippleman) as the guy who told him that smoking cigarettes is good for you and that there's no such thing as Santa. This makes all the other Santa's gang up and whoop him with their bags. Happy Holidays from the WWF! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

The British Bulldog (w/ Jim Cornette) vs. Al Phillips:

Time for some awesome squash matches! It's weird to think that by the end of 1995, squash matches were almost completely a thing of the past. Damn those Monday Night Wars! Bulldog is set to challenge Bret Hart for the WWF Championship at In Your House, and we even get a clip from SummerSlam '92, where Bulldog beat Bret for the Intercontinental Title. Lockup, and Bulldog shoves the scrub down. Bulldog with a standing side headlock, followed by a shoulder tackle. Criss-cross sequence, and Phillips with a cross body for a one count, followed by a dropkick. Irish whip, and Bulldog avoids another dropkick. Bulldog with his signature delayed vertical suplex, then stomps a mudhole. Bulldog continues pounding away on Phillips, snapmares him over, and slaps on a chinlock? Phillips fights free, but runs into an elbow. Whip to the corner, and Bulldog catches Phillips in the air and plants him with a powerslam for the three count at 2:47. Well, that did it's job, I guess. I just find it hard to sit through any more squash matches.

- Dok Hendrix hypes up the WWF World Tour de Force, coming to the Nassau Coliseum on January 5th! It's going to be a tag team extravaganza! Featured on the card: Razor Ramon & Diesel take on the NEW Million Dollar Team of Sid and the Kid, and Bret Hart teams with the Undertaker to take on Yokozuna and Bret's "lousy, rotten, stinkin" brother, Owen. We get clips from MSG two weeks ago where Bret and Undertaker took each other to the limit.

- Last Month, on Monday Night Raw, the 1-2-3 Kid turned on Razor Ramon to help Sycho Sid to victory in a Non-Title Match. The next week, the Kid was the Survivor of an elimination match, then helped cost Razor Ramon a chance at victory in his. The next night on Raw, Jannetty tried gaining revenge, but gets powerbombed for it. Last week, Jannetty offered Ramon a leather jacket in a form of bonding, then took on Sid on Raw, where things got out of control. Next sunday, it's Razor and Jannetty against Sid and the Kid!

- Hunter Hearst Helmsley is hanging around a hog pen, then makes threats towards Henry Godwinn. Remember, they're going to be taking part in a HOGPEN Match at In Your House. The loser is the man who gets tossed into a pen filled with, you guessed it, hogs. Who knew Helmsley would go from this to a serious main event caliber superstar?

Yokozuna (w/ Jim Cornette, Mr. Fuji, Owen Hart) vs. John Chrystal:

More squash match action! Yokozuna was pretty much used up in terms of meaningful storylines. I think, other than being fed to Vader once he turned face, he did nothing else other than doing a lot of jobs. I'm assuming it was all because of his ballooning weight. Gotta love the motivation technique of burying someone and making them feel worthless until they improve at their physical appearance. Some dork named Barry Dedinski (sp?) is selling us horrible denim jackets with WWF Superstars on them. I can't remember the last time I wore a Canadian Tuxedo. Chrystal tries a shoulder block, but gets laid out, then Yokozuna gives him the Rock Bottom. Yokozuna drags Chrystal to the corner, and the Banzai Drop ends things already at the 58-second mark. Yokozuna looked to not really protect his opponent too much either from his massive ass. That's sure nice of him.

- Last week, on Monday Night Raw, Brother Love (yes, he's back) has a surprise for King Mabel. Suddenly, the lights go out and a druid rolls the Undertaker's giant coffin to ringside. Suddenly, the curtain is pulled off and the casket has been ghetto'ized, and the druid is really SIR Mo. Oh those fiends! How is this going to effect the Undertaker heading into their Casket Match at In Your House?

Dean Douglas vs. Tony Williams:

More squashes means more time to go take a piss. Dean Douglas is obviously Shane Douglas, playing a "intelectually superior" being, but a run in with the Kliq left him pretty stagnant, and he's now feuding with Ahmed Johnson for no good god damn reason. Bob Backlund is hanging around to introduce Douglas, then presents him with the "Board of Education", a fancy paddle. I guess they had to use it for something once Alundra Blayze refused a name change to Paddlin' Peggy. Lockup, and Douglas pounds away. We get an insert promo from Ahmed Johnson, who you can actually understand, mostly. Williams with a wristlock, followed by a dropkick. Whip to the corner, and Williams runs into a boot of Douglas. Douglas with an unusual atomic drop, and a Fisherman Suplex finishes things at 1:14, and even Mr. Perfect calls attention to it. Perfect says Douglas owes him money now. After the match, Douglas gives Williams the paddling of the swollen ass... with paddles.

- Promotional consideration paid foor by the following.... Karate Fighters (some scenes shot in slow motion!)! Electronic Hot Shot Basketball (batteries not included)! WWF WrestleMania The Arcade Game for ALL home consoles!

Savio Vega vs. Mr. Bob Backlund:

It's the match that has been one week in the making! Bob Backlund is set to face Bret Hart, in a Non-Title Match, on Monday Night Raw, so you can assume he's probably going over here. Backlund acts crazy, although some might claim he's not really acting. We get some stalling and playing to the crowd, which eats up a bit of time to start the match. Remember, Bob Backlund wants to run for President. Savio traps Backlund in a front facelock, but Backlund escapes to the outside. Backlund with a leg sweep, followed by some... maniacal leg stretches? I love crazy heel Backlund. Vega takes Backlund down, then struts around, mocking Backlund. Backlund with a side headlock, then they exchange hammerlocks until Backlund rolls outside. Commercial break, and we return with Backlund offering a handshake from his knees, or maybe a Happy Ending. You make the call. Vega surprises Backlund with a school boy for a two count. More stalling. Backlund tries a sucker Wing, but Savio blocks and gets tossed out of the ring for his troubles. Backlund follows out and slaps on the Chicken Wing... and we get a Double Count-Out at 5:32? Wow, that might be the worst Bob Backludn match I've ever seen! Backlund lets go, then wanders around, heading back to the locker room. Lame!

- More hyping Tag Team Warfare at the Nassau Coliseum on January 5th! The Smoking Gunns defend the Tag Titles against Jerry Lawler and Isaac Yankem D.D.S! We see more footage from Bret vs. Undertaker at MSG, and comments from Razor Ramon regarding Sid and the Kid. The WWF will head to the New Haven Coliseum the next night, featuring Ahmed Johnson vs. British Bulldog on the card!

- Next week on SuperStars, we'll see Aldo Montoya taking on the bizarre Goldust, Hunter Hearst Helmsley will be in action, as well as the team of Razor Ramon and Marty Jannetty. Also, Ahmed Johnson takes on Jerry Lawler's personal dentist, Isaac Yankem, D.D.S.!

- We recap Shawn Michaels' injury on Monday Night Raw, then get comments from Dr. Jeffrey R. Unger (no relation to Felix). He talks in a serious hush about Shawn's condition, and is unsure of when he will be able to return to the ring, if ever again. We follow with a "low hush" narration of Vince McMahon describing the WWF Superstars. One of the earlier examples of the WWF working a "shoot" angle before they became common-place during the Attitude era, and as much as I dislike Shawn Michaels, I really bought into it as a youngster, and still consider it to be a pretty damn good work and manipulation of fans.

Final Thoughts: I don't know what Superstars was going for here... all of the squash matches seemed to be over with a couple of moves, the matches featuring names weren't much longer, or just had zero action at all and were a waste of time. Even the recapping of what happened on Monday Night Raw seemed half-assed. I can honestly say I found no enjoyment out of any of this broadcast, other than a 10-second clip from a Madison Square Garden show held shortly after the Survivor Series. 1995 was not a good year for wrestling, and this show is a window into explaining why. Bad everything.

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