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WWE Main Event - October 9, 2013

by Scrooge McSuck

- Last Week on WWE Main Event... (deep breath)... Damien Sandow was allowed to win a match against Santino Marella, the Wyatt Family remains undefeated against the Primetime Players, Curtis Axel defeated Zack Ryder with little trouble in a Non-Title Match, and Antonio Cesaro shows off his freakish strength by performing his Giant Swing on Brodus Clay and put away Sweet T' with the Neutralizer. Last Year on WWE Main Event, the Big Show won a hard fought battle with Randy Orton, and Kofi Kingston squashed Michael McGillicutty (a.k.a Curtis Axel) before challenging the Miz to an Intercontinental Title Match for the following week.

- When I originally looked at tonight's lineup, I was pretty close to flipping shit. Then I remembered that a good chunk of the WWE Roster is over in Abu Dhabi for a three night tour, leaving bare-bones for the upcoming episode of Smackdown, and even less for the Main Event taping that preceded it. Taped on October 8th, 2013, from Columbus, OH, with Josh Mathews and Alex Riley calling the action.

Tons of Funk (w/ The Funkadactyls) vs. 3MB:

(Brodus Clay & Tensai vs. Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre, Jinder Mahal)
Yes, it's a classic 3-on-2 Handicap Match! Hopefully the heels control without using a 3-minute chinlock spot. I could've sworn WWE has been teasing a McIntyre gimmick change (or maybe McIntyre is looking for one by using Twitter), but for now, he's still a comedy jobber with 3MB. Question of the Week: Would the world implode on itself if Tons of Funk, Santino Marella, and Los Matadores all had to wrestle in the same match?

Clay and Slater start. I know Slater has an amateur boxing background (or so we are told), but I don't think that matches up with Brodus Clay being a bouncer/bodyguard. Clay controls with various slams, and the canned reactions is too obvious. Mahal slugs away on Tensai, but is quickly laid out with a shoulder tackle, followed by a monkey flip and butterfly suplex. Tensai misses a charge and Mahal puts him down with a running high knee. McIntyre with a clothesline in the corner, followed by a running dropkick for two. Slater pounds away with rights and lefts, then hooks a chinlock. At least it only lasts about 20-seconds. Tensai fights free and dumps Slater over the top rope. Clay gets the hot tag and runs through Mahal with a clothesline. He sends Mahal across the ring with a T-Bone Suplex, squashes him in the corner, and plants him with a front slam. Clay with a second rope splash, but McIntyre breaks the cover. Tensai dumps him out, meanwhile, Slater tags back in, boots Clay across the side of the head, and connects with a slingshot twisting body press for three at 5:48?! 3MB WON A MATCH!? Yikes, Tons of Funk are officially lower on the status bar than Los Matadores. ** More watchable than the typical 3MB match, with minimal resting.

- Hell in a Cell is less than three weeks away, so naturally we get rematches from the two "hottest" programs: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton for the Vacant WWE Title, with Shawn Michaels as the Special Referee (DRAMA!), and CM Punk takes on Paul Heyman's Hired Gun of the Month (or Two).

Aksana vs. Tamina Snuka:

So... did Aksana do a phantom babyface turn since Tamina is the bodyguard of sorts for WWE Diva's Champion, A.J. Lee? I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to this match, other than for the five-or-so seconds I'll spend admiring Aksana. What's with the sexually driven saxophone music for her theme, or have I not paid attention to it lately? And now it's ruined looking at the manly built Tamina Snuka (daughter of WWE Hall of Famer, Jimmy Superfly Snuka). Tamina doesn't care much for Aksana's striptease and lays into her in the corner with chops and boots. She misses a charge, allowing Aksana to take her down and go to work on the arm. Aksana with a side suplex, but she's too busy pushing the TV-14 envelope to go for a cover. Tamina stomps a mudhole in her for the lack of vision, snapmares her out of the corner, and drops a knee across the throat for two. Aksana escapes a chinlock and takes Snuka down with a neck breaker for two. Knee to the face for another two count. Tamina avoids a basement dropkick, connects with a gutbuster, and boots Aksana's head into the 5th row for the three count at 3:32. *1/2 Way better and more watchable than this had any right to be. Tamina looks decent in her female hoss role of being overpowering, and Aksana has improved greatly in at least the last year I've been closely following WWE.

- We recap the Big Show being fired by Stephanie McMahon, despite having an Iron-clad Contract. I'm sorry, but I just can't get past that! And then they have Triple H talking about buying Big Show's house so he wouldn't lose it in foreclosure? Yeah, CM Punk did that for a friend of his, but that doesn't mean it needs to be used as part of a wrestling angle.

Zack Ryder vs. Big E. Langston:

That push for Langston sure went south quite quickly, didn't it? Neither man is doing anything, but one of them is Zack Ryder, so my entire life savings is on the guy he's wrestling. I wouldn't even need to know the opponent's name, I would make the bet blindly. Here's an idea: Nation of Domination 2K14, with David Otunga as the group's Clarence Mason. It seems like Mathews is putting Ryder over as a heel for taking credit to some B.S. Twitter nonsense. Big E. quickly overpowers Ryder and grabs a side headlock. Credit to the referee asking Ryder if he wants to quit. It's not a rookie ref' either, it's Charles Robinson. Ryder ducks under a clothesline and comes off the ropes with a forearm. He sends Langston to the floor with a dropkick as we take a break.

We return, with Ryder in control with a front facelock. Langston muscles free, throwing Ryder across the ring, and lands a right hook to the ribs. Her's a new gimmick idea for him: Iron Mike Langston, a crazy boxer character who has little regard for the law. Langston with a trio of shoulders to the midsection for a two count. We slow things down some more with a variation of the bearhug. Ryder gives us a Bees Ear-Smack for old times sake, but is quickly taken down with a belly-to-belly suplex. He comes off the ropes for a splash, but Ryder manages to roll out of the way. He gets the knees up on a charge and comes off the top with a missile dropkick. Big E. finds himself down in the corner, allowing Ryder to hit the Broski Boot, but he still has enough in him to roll to the floor. Ryder follows, and gets thrown around like a rag-doll. Back in the ring, Langston goes for the Big Ending, but Ryder slips free and rolls him up for two. Ryder with a pair of diving forearms in the corner, but a third is countered with a slam. Langston runs through Ryder with an Avalanche, and the Big Ending finishes at 7:42. At least when he drops the guy, it looks less like he's having himself splashed. ** Solid effort from both men, but I'm quite surprised with how much offense Ryder recieved. This would be a good match to build Langston up for a bigger match at a more important show, but every match seems like a waste and furthers nothing.

- John Cena is coming back, and he faces Alberto Del Rio at Hell In a Cell for the World Heavyweight Title. WWE might as well have the following flashing on the screen as the announcement is made: Buy Hell in a Cell, we're REALLY sorry for the shit effort we put into Battleground.

- We get to see the majority of the Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes, and Goldust vs. Shield match from Monday Night Raw. It's a good match, but the more important factor is that after the match, Big Show finally laid Triple H out with the KO Punch. What does this mean for Big Show's WWE Future? Is there a "for Sale" Sign already posted on the lawn? Tune into next monday night's Monday Night Raw to find out!

Final Thoughts: Despite the Superstars level of roster depth used for this episode, at least all three matches were at the least watchable, if not solid entertainment. I wouldn't go out of my way to watch 3MB vs. Tons of Funk, but it's a decent waste of 45-minutes. I'm sure we'll have a bit more than Zack Ryder and 3MB next week when we have the full WWE Roster readily available for a television taping, too. Honestly, could they have not taped Main Event before Raw this week, and Superstars before Smackdown? It's not like the live audience would give a shit whether or not they're going to be featured on the C-Show. It was nice of them to give us the majority of the Raw Main Event as compensation.

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