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WWE Main Event - June 5, 2013

by Scrooge McSuck

- Last Week on WWE Main Event... Sheamus defeated the Intercontinental Champion, Wade Barrett, as if that's much of an accomplishment in the last decade, but alas it was only a Non-Title Match. Also, Antonio Cesaro made short work of Main Event alumni Justin Gabriel, and the random team of R-Truth and Tons of Funk made short work of Main Event's personal scrubs, 3MB, before dancing in an unsynchronized manner.

- Taped on June 4th, 2013, from Long Island, NY. We've got Josh Mathews, Ricardo Rodriguez, and the Miz calling the action, unless otherwise noted. I kind of miss Michael Cole already, but Mathews is an underrated match caller, and holy crap, has he really been around since 2004, when he was calling Velocity? Remember Velocity?

Sheamus vs. Antonio Cesaro:

Poor Cesaro gets to do another job, but these two have proven that they can put on kickass matches, so I'm not complaining, yet. They jockey for position, with neither man gaining the advantage. Cesaro turns a waistlock into a headlock, but Sheamus takes him down to counter. Sheamus grabs a headlock of his own and takes Cesaro over with it. Cesaro counters, hooking a head scissors and biting the hand. We get more chain-wrestling until Sheamus plows through Cesaro with a shoulder tackle. Cesaro with a takedown, followed by the super-awesome gutwrench suplex. Sheamus rolls to the apron, surprises Cesaro with a shot to the midsection, and slingshots in with a shoulder tackle for only a one count. Cesaro unloads with uppercuts, and Sheamus retaliates with rights. Whip to the ropes and Sheamus with a tilt-o-whirl slam for a two count. They take things to the floor, with Sheamus blocking a boot and ramming Cesaro into the security wall. Back inside, Sheamus tries to go for the clubbing forearms, but Cesaro kicks the knee out and rams him shoulder-first into the post. Cesaro follows and boots Sheamus' head against the post for added punishment.

We come back from break, including a commercial for 12 Rounds 2 (or whatever) starring Randy Orton. Sheamus battles out of a chinlock, only to be taken over with a powerslam. Cesaro with several pin attempts, only resulting in two counts. During the break, Cesaro worked in the double stomp to the chest. Back to "live" action, Cesaro runs in with an uppercut, then lays Sheamus out with a clothesline for two. Cesaro hooks that chinlock that practically KO'ed Justin Gabriel last week. Getting restholds over in 2013? How dare you! SSheamus fights free and slugs it. Cesaro appears to gain the upperhand until running right into a back breaker. Sheamus with a pair of charging axehandles, a shoulder to the midsection, and running knee lift. He sets up for White Noise, but Cesaro slips free. He takes a back drop to the apron, and Sheamus works in those forearms... it's such a contrived spot half the time. Cesaro meets the post in an act of Paybackô, and Sheamus follows off the apron with a diving shoulder.

Sheamus goes for White Noise once again, but Cesaro counters with the Crossface Chickenwing! Sheamus escapes it easily, no-sells a boot to the worked over arm, and connects with a somersault slam for two. Sheamus goes high risk, and jumps right into an uppercut. Cesaro covers, but only gets two. Cesaro tries his luck at something from the top rope, and connects with a knee across the chest for two. Cesaro with the Chickenwing applied once again, and this time it takes a bit more effort from Sheamus to escape, hooking the rope with his foot. Here comes the Neutralizer, but first a series of short-forearms to the side of the head. Sheamus counters, ramming Cesaro to the buckle. The Brogue Kick comes without much warning, and we all know that's enough for the three count at 13:25 (minus one commercial break). Good match, but I wasn't feeling it as much as I thought I would. Cesaro was his usual 'self, but Sheamus followed his typical formula match that's a quality performance, but nothing to really go on about other than "good match." It wouldn't hurt to let someone beat Sheamus for once.

- Raw Rewind: The horse-crap of a storyline featuring Triple H. Hearing both Vince and Stephanie McMahon on Raw, in 2013, is a shame on the creative team, but outright calling Curtis Axel "beneath" Triple H is just burying someone before there's even a chance to develope him! It wasn't a one time thing, it was hammered home a few times. I'm sure I've ranted on this topic enough, so let's move on...

The Uso's vs. Team Rhodes Scholars:

(Jimmy & Jey Uso vs. Damian Sandow & Cody Rhodes)
Well, you know the Uso brothers are getting a new push, because they've been repackaged: They now wear face-paint! I could make a "setting Samoans back 50-years joke", but I'd rather make a Simpsons reference and say that's like revamping Malibu Stacy by giving her a new hat. Really, was the world demanding the Uso's being top contenders? Really? Rhodes starts with Jimmy Uso. Jimmy takes him down with a drop toe hold and lays in with chops. Jey in for a double team elbow drop for two. He takes Sandow over with a hip toss and connects with an elbow on the chin. Sandow lands a big forearm across the face of Jimmy and tags out to Rhodes, who works in the Dustin/Goldust uppercut spot. The Uso's aren't selling much though, controlling the action. Sandow nails Jey from behind, allowing Rhodes to finally take over. It doesn't last long, as Jey Uso comes back in and puts a hurting on Sandow. Rhodes pulls him away from a Splash, so Jey comes off the top with a plancha.

We come back from a break, because this match needed to go longer than 5-minutes. the Uso's are STILL in control, working over Sandow. I'm sorry, but how can I buy into a team that has a combined record of 1-106 against teams not named Epico & Primo or the Primetime Players? I guess the match is so dull, Miz references Josh Mathews being on (the original) Tough Enough. Rhodes snaps Jey Uso down with a neck breaker for a two count. Sandow with a Russian leg sweep and the elbow of disdain for two. We get a double clothesline spot, setting up the hot tag to Jimmy. He lays out Rhodes with an enziguri, followed by the charging butt to the face for two. Sandow gets laid out with a crescent kick, and Jey Uso breaks up a pin attempt following the Disaster Kick. Rhodes charges into a boot, and the Splash finishes at 10:28. Watching the Uso's is like watching middle of the road workers from Deep South Wrestling or one of the WWE's other developmental locals over the years. Very basic formula, without much distinctiveness to really give much of a crap about them. It's amazing this team hasn't been cut over the years, considering their position so low on the card for the past couple of years. In short, I didn't quite care for this one.

- Raw Rebound: Ryback and John Cena are on a colission course. One that not many people have much anticipation for other than "Cena buries another challenger." At least in this case, it's only Ryback, and not someone with talent, like pretty much everyone he's been programmed with over the last 9 years.

Justin Gabriel vs. Curt Hawkins:

Where the frick did this come from? Hawkins is still employed? Someone better change his name, WWE doesn't like two people having the same name. We've only about four minutes left, so it's another short filler match to pad out the broadcast. I sense he'll be spending tons of time on Superstars. Lockup, Gabriel comes off the ropes with a shoulder tackle, takes Hawkins over with an arm drag, and grabs an armbar. Hawkins screams a lot, connecting on a clothesline for a one count. He takes Gabriel over with a suplex, drives a pair of knees into the back, and grabs a chinlock. Gabriel escapes and works in his signature kicks and planting Hawkins with a sitout powerbomb for two. They trade forearms to canned reactions and Hawkins hits a crummy looking boot to the face for two. For a second I thought he was going to impersonate Christian during his "crybaby" phase of the Winter 2002. Gabriel boots a charging Hawkins, skins the cat to the top rope, and finishes with the 450 Splash at 3:38. Filler match with little rhymes or reason. Gabriel begins a new winning streak! Will it hit "2" next week, on Main Event?

Final Thoughts: I'm disappointed... we didn't get Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E. Langston Part VI, nor did we get to see Zack Ryder do the job in his hometown (that was saved for Friday Night Smackdown). All joking aside, what we got was a pretty average show. Cesaro and Sheamus had a good match, but not something to go out of your way to see. The Uso's push continues, despite a lack of talent or charisma other than impersonating their father, and what's the deal with Curt Hawkins randomly showing up? Not a bad show, not a great show. Let's hope for something better next week, a little less Uso-ish.

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