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WWE Main Event - May 22, 2013

by Scrooge McSuck

- Last Week on WWE Main Event... Kane defeated Seth Rollins by Disqualification, thanks to interference from the remaining members of The Shield, Sin Cara returned from his latest injury and pinned Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett in a Non-Title Match (as if that's some kind of accomplishment), and Cody Rhodes defeated Justin Gabriel, arguably one of the hottest performers in recent weeks on Main Event... for his various victories, not his actual physical appearance.

- Taped on May 14th, 2013, from Omaha, NE. Michael Cole and The Miz are at ringside to call all the action, unless otherwise noted. I'm already missing JBL. Miz CAN be good, but as a babyface, he's such an annoying prick, it really makes it hard to buy him as anything more than a douchey-heel.

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Big E. Langston (w/ A.J. Lee):

Didn't we just get this match on Monday Night Raw? I guess Rodriguez's horribly broken ankle healed up in time for the blowoff of that epic Del Rio/Swagger program that set the wrestling world on fire, as he seems to be moving around perfectly fine. Big E. must be a hardcore Nation fan: Not only does he flash their old fist in the air, but he's got the same color scheme on his tights. Lockup, and Langston immediately proves he has the strength advantage. Del Rio takes him to the corner, unloading with rights, and charging in with an enziguri. He tries to take him over with a suplex, but Big E. blocks and counters with his own. Hard whip to the corner, followed by choking across the bottom rope. Del Rio pulls the top rope down on the charging Langston, forcing him to spill to the floor. He follows him out with a suicide dive through the ropes. A.J. creates a distraction, allowing Langston to knock Del Rio off the apron, into the security wall.

We come back from commercial, with Langston working a chinlock. Del Rio with rights to the midsection to escape, but a body press is caught and Langston connects with a series of back breakers. We should be thankful they aren't billing him as a World Strongest Man. Thank you for remaining employed, Mark Henry. Del Rio tries another comeback until running chest first into the corner. Langston with a back suplex and more chinlocks, slowing the match down considerably by doing so. Langston haults another comeback attempt, laying Del Rio out with a clothesline. He rams Del Rio into the corner, driving a series of shoulders to the midsection. Del Rio gets a boot up on a charge and takes him down with a Tornado DDT. Unlike A.J., Ricardo actually works the crowd to get involved in the match. Del Rio ducks a clothesline and connects with the Back Stabber. He sets up in the corner, only to get knocked down with a body block. I honestly don't know what to call it, but Vader did it tons of times. Charge to the corner, and Langston meets the post shoulder first. Del Rio with a super-kick for two. Langston counters the Cross-Armbreaker attempt with a belly-to-belly suplex for two. The straps come off, which in wrestling language, means trouble... or that he got suckered into the Armbreaker. He powers up from the canvas and slams Del Rio down for two. Del Rio slips out of the Big Ending, connects with an enziguri, and rolls up Langston for three at 11:34 (minus one break). Color me surprised that they had someone pin Langston already, especially clean. Del Rio's work was perfectly fine, as usual, but Langston is just a solid example of how boring someone exclusively trained by WWE can be.

- Raw Rewind: Ryback stood tall despite the No Contest at Extreme Rules, while John Cena remained under medical care. He also beat the ever-loving crap out of Zack Ryder, because beating on Zack Ryder is always something fun to watch. I guess we're going to get Ryback vs. Cena II at Payback... in an AMBULANCE Match. How much more boring can these gimmick matches get?

The Usos vs. 3MB (w/ Heath Slater):

(Jimmy & Jey Uso vs. Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre):
This is the second time in a short while that the Usos and 3MB have been involved in Tag Team Action. On an unrelated subject, is WWE trying hard to get over the "Hounds of Justice" name for the Shield, or what? Jey Uso and Mahal start. Lockup, and Mahal celebrates taking him over with an arm drag. Jey with a headlock and shoulder tackle. Mahal tries to send him to the buckle, but it's no sold, and Jey plants him with a slam. McIntyre tags in, unloading with a flurry of rights. McIntyre with a dropkick to the chest for two. Mahal tags back in for a double-team Russian leg sweep. He pounds away before settling into a chinlock. Jey gets a few shots in on McIntyre before resuming the role of face-in-peril. Mahal with a knee across the chest for two, then back to the chinlock. Jey comes back with what was basically Trouble in Paradise, and makes the hot tag to Jimmy. He goes low with a kick, but gets crotched across the turnbuckle going for high risk.

We come back from commercial, as I realized we were faked out with the last tag. McIntyre is in control, working an armbar on Jimmy. There's just nothing to keep my interest. 3MB either slows it down with restholds, or when not doing that, simply do boring punch and kick offense. Mahal throws in a neckbreaker to try and shut me up, but guess what, back to the chinlock. I can't believe I'm saying this, but where's Tons of Funk to spice up the undercard tag team division? Enough with the Usos. Jimmy with a back suplex to escape, and in comes Jey with the REAL hot tag. He works over McIntyre, taking him down with a sloppy samoan drop. Suddenly, an ambulance gets backed up and out pops Ryback. Slater cutely hides, but gets slammed face-first onto the floor, and dragged away like a piece of meat. So... Ryback's a face now? Damn it, that Nexus reunion isn't going to be pretty. Oh, the match is still going. an Uso finishes McIntyre with the Splash at 11:07 (minus one break). Paint-by-Numbers tag team match that'll leave you saying "yep, that was a Tag Team match alright". The only highpoint was Ryback's random appearance to kidnap Heath Slater.

- Raw Rebound: Paul Heyman introduced the newest member of the "Paul Heyman Guy" club to be Curtis Axel, formerly known as Michael McGillicutty, and best known as Curt Hennig's son. Thank GOD they got rid of that stupid name that I'm sure came from someone who was watching a rerun of I Love Lucy and thought "hey, that's a funny name: McGillicutty." Triple H interrupts things to punk out Curtis Axel and challenge him to a match later on Raw. It's only a few minutes into the match when he rips off Shawn Michaels' "concussion" angle from 1995. Babyface Triple H can go fuck off. He could've easily put over Axel to try and establish him as more than Saturday Morning Slam fodder, but I guess being in the match that put Triple H on the disabeled list will have to do.

Final Thoughts: Pretty weak show, but not because of terrible wrestling, just some very boring wrestling. Alberto Del Rio got a decent match out of Big E. Langston, but something in the territory of 2-stars isn't going to be a must see encounter as the selling point of a show. It may be my personal bias, but I just can't sit through matches with the Usos that last longer than 4-minutes, and I have as much, if not less, appreciation for 3MB right now. Mahal is pretty much garbage, and Slater isn't much better, but McIntyre is, and he's clearly unmotivated when it comes to his wrestling performances. Skip this week and hope for something a bit more exciting next week. Maybe that boring pile of boredom Antonio Cesaro will wrestle.

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