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WWE Main Event - May 8, 2013

by Scrooge McSuck

- Last week on WWE Main Event... Kofi Kingston retained his United States Championship against Antonio Cesaro in a pretty gosh-darn good match (with most credit going towards Cesaro), Justin Gabriel defeated former Nexus teammate Heath Slater to run his winning streak to one, and there was a minimal of recaps from Raw, either because Main Event was good enough on its own, or Raw was really that bad.

- Taped on May 7th, from NC State University. Michael Cole and JBL are on commentary, unless otherwise noted.

Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro:

Hmm... pretty sure we've seen these two together on Main Event before, and with satisfactory results, so no complaints. Thankfully, the (un)creative team has dropped the stupid yodeling gimmick for Cesaro, and reverted him back to being, gasp, a no nonsense wrestler. Orton is currently working a program with Big Show (a.k.a the biggest, stalest act in wrestling), so Cesaro jobs again, but at least it'll be competetive. Lockup into the corner, and we get a clean break. Cesaro grabs a side headlock and takes Orton over. Orton quickly counters with a head scissors, but Cesaro rolls through and they fight over a front facelock before returning to a neutral position. Criss-cross sequence ends with Orton connecting with an elbow. He goes through with the Garvin Stomp (ugh...) and drops a knee across the chest for two. Orton takes him over with a suplex for two. Nice of Orton to show zero effort in the delivery. Cesaro rams Orton back into the corner and pounds away. He sets him up across the top turnbuckle and knocks him to the floor as we take a break.

We return, with Cesaro in control, holding onto a chinlock. Orton breaks free with elbows, but a knee to the midsection puts him back down to the canvas for a two count. Cesaro dishes out a series of rights and lefts to the midsection, snapmares Orton back to the center of the ring, and double stomps the chest for two. Cesaro with the deadlift slam, but it only gets two. I will NEVER get tired of that move. It needs a proper name, though. Cesaro charges into the corner with a vicious uppercut. Orton rolls to the floor for a breather, but Cesaro follows him out with a double axehandle from the apron. Orton rolls back in and Cesaro quickly covers for two. He traps Orton in another chinlock, and again, Orton quickly fights his way free. They trade uppercuts until Orton surprises Cesaro with a clothesline. He catches Cesaro off the ropes with his signature snap powerslam and sets him up for the DDT from the middle rope, but Cesaro counters, back dropping Orton to the apron, and hanging him up across the top rope. Cesaro climbs out to the apron and tries to German Suplex Orton off the apron (see also: Angle, Kurt), but Orton elbows him down, only to miss a double axehandle and crashing into the security wall.

Back from another break, Cesaro rams the injured arm of Orton into the post. He comes off the top rope to take a dropkick to the face. Cesaro remains in control, going back to work on the arm. Orton with a back breaker for two. Cesaro with elbows to the side of the head, followed by a Michinoku Driver for two. Cesaro with another trip to the top rope, and this time his climb is interrupted. Orton climbs up with him for a super-plex, but Cesaro fights him down. Orton with a boot to the face, climbs up again, and succeeds in taking Cesaro down with the Super-Plex. Cover, but only for two. Orton meets knee on a charge and Cesaro with an uppercut to the back of the head for two. Cesaro goes back to the arm, but I don't think anyone has ever tapped to an armbar. Cesaro's over-aggressive attack leads to Orton planting him with the DDT. He sets up for the RKO, but Cesaro pushes him off and catches him in the air with another uppercut for a two count. Cesaro signals for the end, but Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere, and it gets the three count at 15:27 (minus two commercial breaks). Not as good as the previous week's Main Event, but still a solid performance from both men. I'm not the biggest fan of crap finishes, but having Show come down and cost Orton the match would've been an acceptable finish, as well.

- Raw Recap #1: John Cena's going to be defending the Championship against Ryback in a Last Man Standing Match at Extreme Rules. Yawn!

- Raw Recap #2: Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar are at the WWE Headquarters and trash Triple H's office. Triple H responds with a "Meh". Yes, this is such a great angle... honestly, does ANYONE give a shit about this program? Brock Lesnar is being misused so poorly, it makes me wonder how good the money is for him to show up and be involved in one of the least anticipated and boring angles they could've possibly done.

Justin Gabriel & The Usos vs. 3MB:

Six-Man Tags are (almost) always fun. The Usos were horribly over-matched in the Six-Man on Raw against the Shield, so maybe this is a confidence builder for them. Before we get to the match, we recap Mark Henry beating the crap out of Sheamus with a strap. Be a Star, stand up to bullies! And yet, Mark Henry is the heel. Oh-kay? Mahal and Jey Uso start. Uso grabs a waistlock, and Mahal makes the mistake of trying to ram him to the buckle. Gabriel comes off the top and goes to work on the arm. McIntyre pounds away on Jimmy Uso, grabs a headlock, and comes off the ropes with a shoulder. Criss-cross ends with Jimmy Uso putting him down with a clothesline. Mahal comes back in and goes back to being overmatched by the Uso's. At least he's not doing the typical Middle Eastern gimmick. McIntyre pulls the ropes down on Jey Uso as we take a break.

We return with 3MB still in control. Mahal with a neck breaker on Usso, followed by a series of knees across the chest. Uso tries to fight free, but a knee to the face puts him back down. Slater tags in for the first time and pounds away. He grabs a chinlock, and this is the problem with poorly-matched Six Man Tags. There should be no reason for lengthy rest holds in a match like this. The heels should be making quick tags, putting a beating on the face in peril, not resting. Uso with a surprise roll up and Slater puts him down with a jumping heel kick before going back to the restholds. We're all bored, so Cole and JBL talk about the Uso's daddy, Rikishi. That makes me feel old. Jimmy Uso gets the hot tag and rolls through McIntyre like a house of fire. He takes McIntyre down with a Samoan Drop, and rams ass to the face in the corner for two. Gabriel with a springboard body press, followed by a diving forearm. Spinning heel kick to the side of the head and the Lionsault gets two. 3MB tries to take a walk, but Gabriel and an Uso follow out with suicide dives. Everyone hits big moves on each other, with everyone coincidentally being knocked to the floor, until Gabriel finishes McIntyre with the Tornado DDT and 450 Splash at 8:48. Hot finish to a pretty pedestrian match. Again, Six-Man Tags are fun when half the match isn't two restholds.

Final Thoughts: To no one's surprise, Orton and Cesaro delivered a satisfying "Main Event" for the week, automatically making it a thumbs up show. The 6-Man left a bit to be desired, but it wasn't terrible, just uninspired. As if anyone is going to watch for that match, anyway. The recaps from Raw just reminds me of why I don't miss watching it: an uninspired angle for the WWE Title with a stale babyface and a terrible talking heel that hasn't won a PPV match since last Summer. A mostly-retired (mostly)life-long heel acting as a babyface who isn't even bothered by the fact the scary heel destroyed his office and personal belongings. Sheamus, the babyface, acting like a complete dickhead and tool against Mark Henry, and yet we're supposed to be boo'ing Henry for getting revenge. Revenge is meant for the babyface, not the heel. Learn how to book your performers properly, dammit! Sorry, I didn't mean to get so long winded about Raw. Watch Main Event, it's still 50 times better.

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