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WWE Main Event - April 24, 2013

by Scrooge McSuck

- Last week on WWE Main Event... Justin Gabriel won a Battle Royal(e) by overcoming such obstacles as Epico, Jinder Mahal, and The Uso Brothers, to become the "#1 Contender" for the Intercontinental Championship. Later that night, he would lose the match against reigning Champion, Wade Barrett, plummeting back to his former place in the list of contenders at #8.

- Originally taped on April 23rd, 2013, from London, England. Yes, it's the first ever Overseas Edition of WWE Main Event! Michael Cole and JBL are on hand to call all the action, so maybe the Miz is gone permanently from the broadcast booth.

- JBL brings out Mark Henry for a Special Interview. I guess Henry has been having issues with Sheamus for the past couple of weeks for reasons I don't care enough to look into to help clarify things. Stuff gets said and Mark Henry is baited into accepting a Gauntlet Challenge... Okay, now I know I did say "I like Gauntlet Matches, and they should be done more", but this is three in four months (Wade Barrett shortly after winning the IC Title, Big Show last month, and this). That's overkill, no matter what. As long as it's not against the Uso's, Brodus Clay, and Great Khali, again...

Jimmy Uso vs. Mark Henry:

... Crap. Well, at least it's singles matches exclusive this time. Uso charges, only to go flying off the brickhouse that is Mark Henry's body. Henry throws him into the corner by the throat, scoops him up, and the World's Strongest Slam finishes him at the 59-second mark. One down, four to go...

Jey Uso vs. Mark Henry:

Uso with the babyface move of attacking from behind, but Henry shrugs him off and throws him across the ring. Henry with a short clothesline, then hits the chinlock. Henry with clubbing across the back. Uso comes back with a random crescent kick, followed by the charging butt to the face for a weak two count. He grabs a front facelock, but Henry powers out of it and finishes him off with the World's Strongest Slam at 2:24. We're at the 50% marker... in the immortal words of Goldberg, "Who's Next?"

Santino Marella vs. Mark Henry:

Well, at least it's not Brodus Clay... although that's only a good thing for the sake of it not being the exact same series of opponents. Seriously, I think I could run the gauntlet with the quality of these opponents. Henry no-sells Santino acting like a goof and lays him out with a headbutt. Kicking and punching gets a two count. Whip to the corner, then back again. He misses an elbow drop, allowing Santino to make a comeback. By comeback, I mean hit a few punches before going for a hip toss, only to be laid out with a clothesline. Henry misses a charge, allowing Santino to whip out the Cobra. He strikes, but it only gets two. To the top, a body press is countered with the Strongest Slam and it's over at 4:01. One more to go...

The Great Khali (w/ Hornswoggle & Natalya) vs. Mark Henry:

... Come on!!! Forget that Khali is barely able to move anymore, but how about the fact that they had Mark Henry squash Khali a good couple of times leading up to WrestleMania? How am I supposed to consider Khali a serious threat anymore when he's losing in two-minutes to every heel on the roster? Lockup is a stalemate. Khali works in his one move (the slap), which pops the marky overseas crowd. Khali takes advice from Hornswoggle and proceeds to get his leg kicked from under his leg. Henry keeps working the leg and slaps on a grapevine, probably on a dare. The splash misses, allowing Khali to Punjabi-Upô. He connects with a boot to the face, followed by a clothesline and Hassan-Chop for two. He goes for Punjabi Plunge, but Henry counters with the World's Strongest Slam... for two?! Damn, Khali got the foot on the ropes. Khali catches Henry coming with another big boot and chop, sending him to the floor. Henry decides he's better than this and walks off at 5:10. Khali WON!? Come on, that's not cool, man! Each match was either a nothing squash or just bad wrestling. Please don't make this force a rematch next week. I can't stand any more Khali matches on Main Event.

- Recap from Monday Night Raw: Paul Heyman calls Triple H a chicken-shit bastard (in other, more PG words, of course), and Triple H shows up to give him a Pedigree and accept the Thrice in a Lifetime Challenge from Brock Lesnar. Extreme Rules? More like Extremely Low Buyrate.

- Matt Striker interviews Zeb Colter. I figured that Jack Swagger would be instantly buried down the card again for his DUI and the complications stemming from it, but dammit, that requires rewriting their extensive plans, and we know that's never going to happen.

- Another Raw Recap featuring Mick Foley (sporting an AWFUL haircut), Ryback (sporting some awful line delivery) and John Cena (sporting what happens when you leave bread out on the counter for ten years. Stale as hell). Order Extreme Rules, NOW!

- We close out the show with the final minutes of the Undertaker, Kane, Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield match from Monday Night Raw. It's pretty good, and on the short list of must-see free television matches, along with Big Show/Del Rio title change, Punk/Cena to face the Rock at WrestleMania, and Del Rio/Ziggler from Main Event, among a handful of others. I won't spoil it, so get your ass clicking to websites that illegally upload WWE television and watch it!

Final Thoughts: This might be the new runner for worst episode of WWE Main Event. There's the gauntlet match (again), with every match being sub-par or worse, and then a bunch of recaps for angles I don't even give a crap about. I don't care about Lesnar/HHH III, Ryback is dead in the water already and gets fed to SuperCena, and hey, Jack Swagger is STILL challenging for meaningful(ish) Championships. The only positive was the final 5-minutes of the 6-Man Tag Team Match. My recommendation: Watch Monday Night Raw when they tell us The Shield wrestles or hype a truely Main Event worthy match.

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