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WWE Main Event - March 27, 2013

by Scrooge McSuck

- Originally taped on March 26th from Never Mentioned, USA. WrestleMania is only, I don't know, 11 days away, I guess. Michael Cole and the Miz are on commentary tonight, but suddenly they're joined by Daniel Bryan for the opening match of the night.

Kane (Tag Team Champion) vs. Antonio Cesaro (US Champion):

Non-Title Match, of course. This is a bit more like the Main Event formula, compared to the horse-shit top match last week between Wade Barrett and R-Truth, JTTS at large. Cesaro cuts a pre-match promo and yodels to get up Bryan's goat... and no, pun not intended, but at the same time I'm proud of such a shamelessly easy joke. Cesaro's recent jobbing tour had me thinking: they're constantly putting him in that position because of how he was handled for the last half of 2012, constantly going over and looking impressive. If someone beats him, then they look that much better. Unfortunately, when it's time to start giving Cesaro wins again, who will they come against? The same people he lost to in the first place, thus completing the cycle of lazy writing. Speaking of lazy writing, Kane and Daniel Bryan's best option for WrestleMania is Dolph and Big E. Langston? Really?! That might've been the worst, most uninspired option for them this year. Congratulations, WWE. Way to make things feel second rate and thrown together.

Anyway, onto the match... Lockup to start, with Kane shoving Cesaro to the corner. Cesaro grabs a waistlock and transitions into a side headlock, but a shoulder tackle goes the wrong way for him. Another waistlock, this time switching to the arm, and again Kane shrugsd him off with ease. Clubberin' in the corner and Kane takes him over with a hip toss. Kane with a clothesline, sending him to the floor. Suplex back in from the apron, followed by a basement dropkick. Cesaro rolls to the floor and rams Kane's arm into the turnbuckle. He comes in from the top rope, across the arm, and slaps on an overhead wristlock. Kane shoves him off and over the top rope, but again Cesaro uses the ropes to his advantage, hanging Kane's arm up across the top. Cesaro to the top again, this time taking a fist to the throat for his troubles. Kane with blows across the chest as we take a break.

We come back with Kane meeting a knee on a charge, and Cesaro hitting the sweet-ass spiral uppercut from the second rope. He goes back to the arm and continues to yodel to "draw heat." Cesaro with a drop toe hold, setting Kane across the middle rope, and connecting with another uppercut. Dropkick for a two count, then back to working the arm. Whip to the corner, Cesaro unloads with rights and lefts. Kane comes back with clotheslines and the side suplex for two. He heads to the top rope, but the flying clothesline is countered with a nasty european uppercut for a two count. Back from another break, and Cesaro's working a chinlock. Whip to the ropes and Kane surprises him with a DDT. He goes for the chokeslam, but Cesaro counters with his signature gutwrench suplex for a two count. He unloads with a series of forearms and goes back to the chinlock/armbar special. Whip to the ropes and Kane with a powerslam, followed by a back drop. Cesaro counters the side suplex on attempt #2, but Kane bounces off the ropes with a boot for two. Kane to the top, and the clothesline hits. Chokeslam coming, but A.J.'s music interrupts things, allowing Cesaro to regroup. Meanwhile, Bryan ditches the commentary table to scream "No!" over and over again in her face. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer, but Kane counters and finishes him with the chokeslam at 10:49 (minus two commercial breaks). I guess I could complain about Cesaro jobbing again, but WrestleMania is coming up, Kane has something to do and unfortunately he doesn't. Good match, regardless, automatically making it a better show than last week.

- We recap the past few weeks between Alberto del Rio and Jack Swagger, including Swagger attacking Ricardo Rodriguez, on several occasions, and "breaking" his ankle. I'm not feeling the angle other than Dutch Mantel, I mean Zeb Colter's mic' work, and even that's overshadowed by the shameless and immature "picking a fight with someone in the media" bullshit. I'm sure it's going to be a good match, but it's just another in a string of World Title matches opening WrestleMania because it lacks everything required to make someone pay to watch the match.

- If you missed Raw, we replay Triple H kicking Wade Barrett in the balls. I'm sorry, am I supposed to like him now? I guess old Trips is going to ignore the fact the crowd loved him losing at SummerSlam, otherwise this match would be pointless. After all, we're supposed to CARE about Triple H, because he told us to, dammit! Brock Lesnar is a big stinky meanie-head and Triple H is going to defend Vince McMahon, a man most marks hated, and the New Age Outlaws, two guys who worked better as heels getting what they deserved after pissing people off. Who else is he defending the honor of? Stephanie McMahon? Who fans have always treated with hostility and displeasure? Triple H's motivations are confused and lost beyond reasonable hope. The storyline sucks, his "retirement" stipulation is unncessary bullshit, and he just needs to get the fuck off television and run the company from behind a curtain, where I don't have a problem with him.

- Introducing the NEWEST Tag Team in WWE... Tons of Funk. Brodus Clay and Sweet T'. So does that make Tensai dead, or will he still retain the name Tensai, but add "Sweet T" as a goofy nickname? Either way, they'll team up with the Funkadactyls and face the Rhodes Scholars and Bella Twins at WrestleMania, but coming up next, a preview of that match...

Cameron & Naomi (w/ Tons of Funk) vs. Nikki & Brie Bella (w/ Rhodes Scholars):

This can't be worse than last week when Alicia Fox tried to generate heel heat by using an appearance overseas to visit the less fortunate as her motivation. The Bella Twins might as well be working with the Uso Brothers. Miz and Cole don't know how to refer to them by names, either. I had to look up the Bella Twins' names, and randomly assigned names because I honestly don't care. Cameron and Nikki start. Cameron with a head scissors, then gets tripped up by Brie and Nikki lays her out with a clothesline. Nice kick to the face, too. Chinlock. Nikki with another clothesline for one, and Brie with another rest-hold. Cameron with a jawbuster to escape, and it's lukewarm tag time to Naomi. She connects with a somersault clothesline and dropkick, followed by the Butt-butt and what came across as a really bad hurricanrana for two. Things get out of control, Nikki no-sells a watered-down Shining Wizard, and a distraction allows her to roll Naomi up for three at 3:59. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't very good, either. I'm guessing the Bella's were resigned because one of them is currently banging John Cena. Other than that, I don't get bringing them back after they wanted to leave back in September.

- We get a well-done video package hyping up CM Punk vs. The Undertaker. If WrestleMania didn't cost $60 and the rest of the card wasn't completely underwhelming, I would totally buy the show. It's not a perfect build, but for a match that was obviously put together with no effort (obvious enough the writer was FIRED for it), they've done the best they can to make people care.

- We close the show with a long replay of the Great Debate from Raw, ending with a Rock Bottom. Sorry, still don't care. Cena's going to win, big whoop. See y'all next week.

Final Thoughts: The show started off with a high-note, a pretty good, lengthy match between Kane and Antonio Cesaro. The Women's Tag wasn't AWFUL, but it did remind us "hey, there's an 8-person mixed tag at WrestleMania", so it served a purpose. All the recaps from Raw, however, put me in a foul mood by the end of the show. Cena/Rock is never going to get me excited enough to care, Swagger/Del Rio's wheels have gradually fallen off the wagon, and the nonsensical and undeserved love-fest for Triple H really sour up everything and makes me excited for WrestleMania to come and go so we can be done with these second-rate attempts at building the best card of the year.

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