WWF King of the Ring 1995
by Scrooge McSuck
- In an interesting bit, I never had any intention of watching or reviewing this show. It just happened. By saying that, it sounds like I sexually assaulted the tape, or something. Honestly, that would’ve been more fun than watching this show, from start to finish, without any breaks. Mat God have mercy on my soul.
- Live from the Philadelphia Spectrum in some-place, PA, it’s the 3rd annual King of the Ring PPV! Vince McMahon and Dok Hendrix are on commentary, while Todd Pettengill and Stephanie Wyand are doing roaming reporter crap. When Michael Hayes acting stupid is the best you’ve got in a four-some, you’ve got troubles.
- Savio Vega (w/ Razor Ramon) vs. Yokozuna (w/ Jim Cornette):
Now who the HELL thought this was a good idea to open a PPV? Yokozuna is currently one half of the Tag Team Champions, but his partner, Owen Hart, was left off the card, along with countless other big names, in favor of bums like Savio Vega. Speaking of Vega, he’s a last-minute replacement for Ramon, winning a qualifying match over I.R.S. on the warm-up show (before it was the Free For All and featured a free crappy match). Yokozuna beat Lex Luger to get here. Really bad match, for those who couldn’t guess. Yokozuna was basically worthless at this point, as his weight just kept blowing up to insane numbers, while Savio Vega is Savio Vega. He just sucked period. They walk through the match in slow motion for nearly 10-minutes until the action spills outside. Owen tries running interference, but Ramon scares him off, all while Yokozuna gets rammed into the ring post, and Vega rolls back into the ring to pick up the Count-Out victory at 8:24. And so Savio Vega will wrestle for a third time a little later in the card.
- Bob “Spark Plugg” Holly vs. The Roadie (w/ Jeff Jarrett):
Yes, this actually made it onto the PPV and the tournament itself. Bob Holly beat Mantaur on an episode of Monday Night Raw, and the Roadie beat Doink (the Clown) on an episode of Superstars. Jeff Jarrett doesn’t make the card, especially since he’s the INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, but his side-kick semi-wrestler does… against a race-car driver?! The crowd, as expected, isn’t really much into this, and it’s by now I noticed some notable ECW fans, as well as everyone’s favorite WWF super-fan, Vladimir! This is probably the best match on the show, and that’s pretty pathetic considering it’s barely a “Good” match from a technical sense, in my opinion. Why is a Roadie for a COUNTRY MUSIC SINGER jiving around, trying to be black? Were they trying to recreate Akeem, or something? Roadie powerbombing Holly with extra impact is always good for a laugh. Holly mounts a mild comeback, including a very lucha-esque head scissors that I’ve never seen him do since. Oh, and he hits his signature dropkick, of course. But it’s all for naught, as the Roadie boots Holly in the face coming off the top rope for the three count at 7:30, despite the fact Holly got his shoulder up in time. Sparky Screwed Sparky! Sorry, I had to steal that Scott Keith joke at least once in my life. Match of the night, at a whopping, amazing **1/2. This match sure deserved it. - Shawn Michaels vs. Kama (w/ Ted Dibiase):
Oh boy, this should be a good match. In other news, I became a Boston Red Sox fan. Michaels beat King Kong Bundy (another lame as Million $ Corporation member), and Kama beat Duke Droese, to qualify for this tournament. During the introductions, Bruce Prichard (sans a gimmick) shills King of the Ring merchandise. Michaels bugs him during his entrance and proceeds to mess around on the podium for the coronation, including trying on the crown… which seems a bit too big for his head. I could make an ego joke right there, but it’s too easy. Instead I’ll point out that this exposes that the crown was pre-fitted for someone with a huge cranium. For those that forgot or don’t wish to care, Kama’s gimmick was “The Supreme Fighting Machine”, a UFC/Shoot Fighting knock-off. He wasn’t over, of course, but still was placed in a feud with the Undertaker. Over what you say? Why, he melted the Undertaker’s Jumbo-Urn™ into a chain, of course! Anyway, this match blows, mainly because Kama sucks, and Michaels seems to be dialing it in collect. A count-down for the time limit pops up late in the match, and thus we all should know the result. The match continues limping on, as we get a few “near falls” while the clock gets slimmer and slimmer. Michaels manages a sunset flip, but the bell sounds at the count of 2.99999999, and thus we have a 15-Minute Time Limit Draw, eliminating both men from the tournament, and guaranteeing the winner of the next match a bye into the King of the Ring Finals. After the match, Michaels sends Kama packing. I guess he had to protect his spot, you know.
- A weird video of MR. Bob Backlund touring Philadelphia airs, including him nearly blowing his lines bad mouthing Philly Cheese Steaks. There’s also one moment where the camera cuts to him, and he’s just standing there for about 10-seconds, waiting for his cue. Best part of the show so far, sadly.
- The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Mabel (w/ Mo):
I don’t think I can make it an farther. Men on a Mission had recently turned heel, dumped their rapping “manager” Oscar, painted their hair black, and introduced police sirens to their music. To get here, the Undertaker defeated Jeff Jarrett in what could have been a Tournament FINAL, let alone Qualifying Match, while Mabel took care of Adam Bomb on the 1st In Your House PPV. This match re-defined the term “atrocious” for it’s time. Spots are blown, moves are no sold, the resting is beyond lazy, and it’s just an absolute mess of a match… and yet the crowd still pops for the Undertaker’s signature spots and gestures. The Undertaker seems to have things in control, but a ref’ bump leads to trouble. The Undertaker lays out Mabel with a chokeslam, but Kama returns to the ring, kicks Undertaker in the “head” (he barely grazed his shoulder), and Mabel drops a fat-ass leg on the Undertaker’s face for the shocking three count at 10:44. Yes, MABEL PINNED THE UNDERTAKER ON A PPV. Yes, Mabel, Savio Vega, or the Roadie is going to win a tournament that included The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, and Yokozuna. Yes, this show sucks. Yes, this match blew. Yes, I’m just filling up space with random comments, because I so desperately don’t want to do PBP for any of these matches. -*** Worst match of the year in the WWF, probably, at least when it came to television and PPV.
- 1995 Hall of Fame Award Ceremony Highlights! Inductees that year included Pedro Morales, Antonio Rocca, The Grand Wizard (not of the KKK), The Fabulous Moolah, George “The Animal” Steele, and Ivan Putski, who leads the crowd in a horrible song.
- Savio Vega (w/ Razor Ramon) vs. The Roadie (w/ Jeff Jarrett):
Please end this show. In a sign of poor booking decisions, they hype a Jarrett/Savio IC Title Match for the following nights Monday Night Raw, during THIS PPV. I guess we should expect the Roadie to win now, eh? Speaking of Monday Night Raw, this match would barely qualify as a good “weekly feature match”, considering the lowly-ness of both men. The crowd is completely dead at this point, too, completely ignoring Ramon’s slapping of the canvas to rally behind his friend and Puerto Rican Legend™, Savio Vega. Thankfully, the match is kept reasonably short, especially compared against the last two steaming turds that I had to sit through. Heel miscommunication happens, as Jarrett is wasting time on the apron, the Roadie is almost whipped into him, causing a delay in the match, and allowing Vega to school boy the Roadie for the “Shocking” three count at 6:36, and sending him to the finals so we could see him wrestle for a 4th time in one night. Nothing match. Afterwards, one of the Spanish broadcasters interviews Savio, while Hendrix translates what he’s saying in English. Decent comedy bit, but this show is beyond the point of being saved by anyone.
- Kiss My Foot Match:
Bret “Hitman” Hart vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler:
I can only guess who came up with the idea for this match. The Hart/Lawler feud seemingly ended following SummerSlam ’93, but for whatever reason, the heads of WWF decided to dust it off, this time having Lawler claim Bret was a racist towards Japanese people like Hakushi… and yeah, that’s pretty much it. At the 1st In Your House, Lawler, with the help of Hakushi, scored the upset over Hart, who dedicated the match to his mother. Bret wants revenge, so Lawler makes him sign for a match where the loser has to kiss the winner’s feet. To make matters worse, Lawler has been “training” hard, not washing his feet, walking around in horse manure, and all other sorts of vile stuff that would make a normal man vomit his cheerios. On a night that so desperately needed a good match out of Bret Hart, he decides to pull a Shawn Michaels and dials it in, as well. Bret does nothing much in terms of actual wrestling, and is on the receiving end of Lawler’s boring offense for the most part. Hakushi and his manager Shinji (formerly Sato of the Orient Express) tries to run interference, but Bret fights both of the evil Japanese men off en route to forcing Lawler to submit to the Sharpshooter at 9:20. After the match, Hakushi fails at another run in attempt, and Lawler is forced to kiss Bret’s feet. Bret then forces Lawler to kiss (and suck on) his own disgusting foot, because humiliation is always a great thing for a feud blow-off… but wait, there’s more to come later on in the show!
- In what might be a hint of who might be responsible for all the nonsense WWF produced during the 1995 calendar year, I’m reminded that they were pushing their support for the Special Olympics pretty hard on their shows, making me wonder if maybe they allowed some “special friends” to book the show. Okay, that’s not true, but only a total retard could make some of these booking decisions.
- King of the Ring Finals:
Savio Vega (w/ Razor Ramon) vs. Mabel (w/ Mo):
Yes, this really was the Tournament Finals. The crowd is REALLY not into it anymore. It’s just a lumbering mess, as Mabel does his best to blow every spot, and rests every 30-seconds, because God knows he’s been working so hard in all of the matches he’s had on the card, especially that classic with the Undertaker about an hour earlier. Mid-way through the match, the Philadelphia Faithful declare their feelings for this shit, by chanting quite audibly, “E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!” To make a long story short, Savio Vega does everything he can to survive the brutal attacks of Mabel’s fat, but it becomes too much for him, as Mabel squashes him with a fat-assed splash for the three count at 8:32. Afterwards, Ramon takes an ass whooping for being such a pussy with “taped ribs syndrome”, then for no reason what-so-ever, the 1-2-3 Kid runs in and gets his ass kicked by MO of all people. Then the coronation ceremony happens, as Mo… very… slowly… reads… the proclamation… of the… new… King. All while Mabel is being pelted with trash. At one point, it seems like the poor guy is about to cry, sitting there as a target for a fan backlash. I kinda’ feel sorry for him, mainly for the fact I’m sure it wasn’t his stupid idea to win the tournament and get pushed to the main events for no other reason than for being really big. And people wonder why in later years this King of the Ring Winner was ignored when mentioning past winners.
- Jerry Lawler is backstage, puking up chunks of cookie dough, drinking mouthwash, brushing his teeth vigorously, and actually eating toothpaste. Yes, we’re on the verge of being introduced to Jerry Lawler’s dentist, Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. May God have mercy on our souls.
- Diesel & Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Sycho Sid & Tatanka (w/ Ted Dibiase):
This is the “main event” of the show, and thus no titles were actually defended. Diesel is the World Champion and he’s stuck in this match, the Intercontinental Champion was left off the card, one half of the Tag Champs was in the Tournament while the better half was left off the card as well. Backstory for this match… Bigelow was kicked out of the Corporation for constantly losing. Sid injured Diesel during their match at the 1st In Your Hourse. Bigelow was promised a main event push for jobbing to Lawrence Taylor at WrestleMania XI… and that’s pretty much it. Only in 1995 would you see TATANKA main eventing one of their PPV’s, and it wasn’t an In Your House cheesy PPV, either. It was one of the big FIVE! An absolutely borefest, as the heels do jack shit the entire match, while both faces get a chance to play face-in-peril. I think I actually counted, at most, 5 tags from the team of Diesel and Bigelow… for the whole match! Diesel, God among men, gets the real hot tag of the match, and cleans house of the baddies. Tatanka is his sacrificial lamb, no pun intended, getting clobbered like he owed someone money. Diesel refuses to pin him though, wanting a piece of Sid instead. Naturally, the top heel in the company runs away like a coward, so Diesel simply powerbombs Tatanka back to the Reservation for the merciful three count at 17:35. And thus ends the worst show in the history of the WWF. Maybe.
Final Thoughts: I don’t think there’s anything left to say that hasn’t been said. The show was put together pretty lazily. Excluded from the card included Jeff Jarrett, Lex Luger, Owen Hart, Razor Ramon, Davey Boy Smith, and Hakushi, all men getting significant pushes at the time. In their places were guys like the Roadie, Bob Holly, and Savio Vega. Someone thought it was a good idea to eliminate every top participant from the tournament, guaranteeing a pathetic final. No titles were defended, so if you missed the show, you missed nothing. The main event was a bomb, the tournament was a bigger bomb, and the best match was a couple of curtain jerkers putting on an average match in front of a dead crowd. Although WCW put on some far bigger stinkers, this could possibly be the Worst PPV in the History of WWF. instead.