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WWF UK Rampage 1992 - April 24, 1991
by Scrooge McSuck

- Commentary will be handled by the WonderTeam of Vince McMahon and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. I don't know if Piper is considered active or not at this point. It seemed to change, based on the location and day of the week, I guess. It's amazing, also, how bad someone can be at a job that seems so suitable for them. Piper was a hell of a talker in his day, but completely floundered calling matches. Maybe he was trying too hard, but it seemed like he was more focused on arguing and telling bad jokes than putting people over.

Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart vs. The Warlord:

Yes, I am TOTALLY recycling my recent review of World Tour 1991 for this. No way will I sit through this nightmare a second time in a week. Excuse me while I attempt to drown myself in the toilet. I can't imagine the thought process behind making this match a possibility. The Hart Foundation was practically split up at this point, but Neidhart still has the tights, and the Warlord was in a never-ending program with Davey Boy Smith, who no doubt was in a higher profile match on the card that night. Shoving match to start, and this must be the opener, because the crowd is HOT. Neidhart slaps on a headlock, and hangs on with a handful of facial hair. They do the shoulder block spot until Neidhart sends Warlord out of the ring with a diving version. Neidhart, as the power man of a balanced tag team, I enjoyed. Neidhart, the singles wrestler, not so much. Back inside, and Warlord wants a test-of-strength. Piper offers wrestling advice as we get some more stalling. Warlord goes for a cheap shot, but Neidhart blocks, and do the "Warlord can't reach with his stubby arms" spot before being tripped. Vince McMahon said something about more momentum, but it sounded like he said "warm lemonade." Don't ask. Warlord takes control, knocking Anvil out of the ring with a clothesline. Back inside, and Warlord with his slow, basic crap, before clamping on a bearhug. Neidhart somehow escapes going for a sunset flip, but Warlord blocks. Whip to the corner, and Neidhart charges into a boot. Warlord changes up his resting, this time going with a chinlock. Neidhart with shoulders to the midsection, but another boot stops his momentum. Warlord goes back to his clubberin' and another chinlock as the crowd rallies behind the Anvil. Irish whip, and Neidhart turns the tide slamming Warlord face first into the canvas. Irish whip, and Neidhart with a forearm, followed by a clothesline for a two count. Neidhart with mounted punches in the corner, and a second rope axehandle for another two count. Neidhart goes for a splash, but meets the knees. Warlord misses a charge to the corner, and Neidhart school boys him for the three count at 13:31. That long for that finish? Not as atrociously bad as the repuation it has gotten suggests, but still boring as all hell.

- Mean Gene Okerlund is standing by for a special interview with the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase. He's got words for Roddy Piper, and he's going to make an example out of the Texas Tornado, just like he did to Piper at WrestleMania. Then he puts Tornado over.... I'm sorry, but it seems out of character for Dibiase to run down his opponent, then say "he's a great athlete with a cadillac body" to end the entire thing.

"Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich vs. "Million $ Man" Ted Dibiase (w/ Sensational Sherri):

That's a lot of typing with all of the nicknames. I find it funny that this is a "whatever" match, when it was a house show program following Survivor Series, when Dibiase mad-mouthed Texans, Von Erich got offended, and Dibiase cost him the Intercontinental Title. Then Dibiase was suddenly thrown into his program with Virgil, and this went POOF! Lockup into the corner, and Dibiase gives a clean break. Lockup #2, and Dibiase can't resist taking a cheap shot. They do it again, just to drive the point home. Tornado gets pissy over it, and lays into Dibiase with rights. Dibiase with a knee to the midsection, followed by chops. Tornado comes back, ramming Dibiase into the buckle, then rolls him up for a two count. Tornado with an atomic drop, sending Dibiase flying over the top rope. Back in the ring, and Dibiase pounds away. Irish whip, and Von Erich with a trio of clotheslines, sending Dibiase back out of the ring. Tornado takes a page out of the Hogan Playbook, and noggin-knockers Dibiase and Sherri. Tornado brings Dibiase in with a slingshot, but quickly gets tripped up by Sherri, allowing Dibiase to pound away. Irish whip, and Dibiase with a clothesline. Tornado gets dumped, allowing Sherri some cheap shots. Piper: Witch! (repeat over and over). Back inside, and Dibiase with more punch-kick stuff. Irish whip and an elbow for a two count. Tornado with a surprise sunset flip,but Dibiase remains in control. Dibiase with a snapmare, followed by his signature fist drop for a two count. Dibiase blocks a discuss punch, and chokes him across the middle rope. Dibiase with a perfectly executed suplex, in between talking trash (from a distance) to Piper. Whip to the corner is countered, but Tornado eats boot. Dibiase with a snapmare, and it's chinlock time. Piper apparently advocates abusing women, then calls Sherri a he-she. Classy. What a boring pile... I might as well be watching Warlord/Anvil, again. Tornado FINALLY escapes, but takes a knee to the midsection. Dibiase with a slam, but he misses the second rope elbow that always misses. Tornado punches some more, then takes him over with a back drop. Tornado with the Claw, but Dibiase rakes the eyes. Irish whip and a clothesline from the Tornado, followed by a slam. Sherri trips him AGAIN, and Tornado heads outside to deal with her. Dibiase follows, and they slug it out until Dibiase sheepishly rolls back in to pick up the lame Count-Out victory at 14:04. What a boring, lazy formula from both men. I know Von Erich was damn near useless by this point, but they could've done more than "punch-punch-trip-punch." We're 0 for 2 for the night...

- Gene Okerlund is backstage with HAKU, who gets to cut his own promo, but it's not in English. Okerlund annoys Haku about not speaking in English, so Haku threatens him unless he shuts up... Haku kicks so much ass. I guess we take a commercial break, cause now Gene is at the podium with Greg Valentine, which leads us into...

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine vs. Haku:

I'm pretty sure this was randomly recycled on Coliseum Video. I want to say Wrestlefest 1991, but I'm not 100% sure. Haku sure does get a lot of trash thrown at him for a JTTS. Lockup, and we get a clean break. Haku with an overhead wristlock, but Valentine counters with a hammerlock. Valentine with a side headlock, followed by a shoulder block. Valentine with an atomic drop and running elbow, knocking Haku out of the ring. Lockup into the corner, and Haku throws the first chops. Valentine turns things around and unloads with chops of his own. Haku with a kick to the face, followed by back breakers for a two count. Haku continues working the back, then slaps on a seated chinlock. Piper trying to argue with McMahon over wrestling barefoot = really pointless. Valentine battles back to his feet, but takes a crescent kick to the midsection. Haku pounds the back, then goes back to the chinlock. Valentine escapes again, but Haku takes him down with a back suplex for a two count. Valentine comes back, ramming Haku into the buckle a bunch of times (10), and Haku surprisingly sells it. Irish whip, and Valentine with an elbow. Haku rolls out of the way of an elbow drop, and lays into Valentine with chops. Valentine puts Haku on his back, and drops a headbutt to the midsection. Valentine goes for the Figure-Four, but Haku rales the eyes. Valentine with a scoop slam, then comes off the ropes with a wind-up elbow. Haku counters another Figure-four attempt, but Valentine takes him over with a sunset flip, and that gets the three count at 8:41. Nothing special, but a solid match. It's a shame, that the best match so far was a mediocre match between two bottom feeders who were slowly being shown the door.

The Rockers (w/ Andre The Giant) vs. The Orient Express (w/ Mr. Fuji):

(Marty Jannetty & Shawn Michaels vs. Kato & Tanaka)
I'm sorry for another horrible example of Copy and Paste, but this isn't a pleasant match, either. Andre's appearance alongside the Rockers seems so random. Kato starts with a side headlock on Michaels, followed by a shoulder block, then a second helping of the same routine. Criss-cross sequence, Michaels nearly blows the spot, and puts both Express members down with slams. Simultanious atomic drops and clotheslines clears the ring. Sloppy exchange, for the most part. Jannetty slaps on a hammerlock, then takes Kato down with a drop toe hold. Kato escapes a front facelock to apply a hammerlock, then puts Jannetty down with a slam. Tanaka tags in, and misses a splash. Irish whip and double diving elbow from the Rockers for a two count. Tanaka goes to work on the arm, and Kato does more of the same. Kato misses the charge to the corner, and it's time to have his arm worked over. We get heel miscommunication in the corner, and Jannetty connects with a dropkick on Kato for a two count. Tanaka runs into an arm drag and gets worked over as well. Jannetty with another arm drag, then back to the armbar. Kato tags in, and falls victim to the arm drag/armbar combo, too. Michaels gets yanked down by the hair from the apron, and it's time for the Orient Express to work him over with such devestating moves as kicking and choking. Tanaka tags in, and quickly slaps on a chinlock. They manage to blow a fake hot tag spot, as Kato applies his version of the chinlock. The difference? Kato uses the knee for added leverage. Tanaka back in, and back to the chinlock. Michaels escapes, but Tanaka connects with his twisting diving forearm for a two count. Tanaka with the leap frog splash across the back for another two count. Michaels nails both Express members with clotheslines, and Jannetty FINALLY gets the hot tag. Jannetty hammers away on both men, then follows it up with slams. Irish whip and an elbow to Kato for a two count. Jannetty with a snapmare, but he takes a cane shot coming off the ropes. Andre gives Fuji a mean right hand, whacks Kato with the cane, and the Rockers with their double fist drop for the victory at 13:00. A complete paint-by-numbers match, which doesn't necessarily make it bad, just under-whelming. Hot finish, at least. I'd rather watch their opener from the 1991 Royal Rumble, instead. I guess that makes it 2 for 4, although the 2 weren't exactly the most solid of efforts.

- Mean Gene Okerlund kills time interviewing some of the all time greats in the WWF.... the Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan, the Eighth Wonder of the World, Andre The Giant, and the Brooklyn Brawler. Hmm... one of these things is not like the other. Then Jim Neidhart and the Warlord come out for more words, because they didn't stink up the place enough to open this show. Damn Intermissions...

"Superfly" Jimmy Snuka vs. The Barbarian:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Sorry, had to let it out. Sadly, this is NOT the match from Supertape Vol. 3, so I can't recycle another recap. I'm going to have to suffer through this one. We've already had Warlord and Barbarian. All we need is the Berzerker for the Unholy Trilogy of Sucky Hosses. Snuka and Barbarian are probably related somehow, through that complicated Samoan bloodline. Lockup, and Barbarian quickly goes to work with a wristlock. Snuka counters, and Barbarian forces a break. Barbarian throws Snuka into the corner and poses. Snuka grabs a headlock, while McMahon talks about Winston (the Bulldog) having a cousin. Snuka goes for a body press, but Barbarian with the catch and slam. Snuka rolls out of the way of an elbow, then sends Barbie out of the ring with a headbutt. Back inside, and Barbarian with a headlock, followed by a shoulder tackle. Snuka with a big chop, sending Barbarian out of the ring, again. Barbarian comes back in, then sends Snuka over the top rope with a big boot. We get instant replay, as this is probably the highlight of the match. Barbarian follows him out, then rams the Superfly into the post for good measure. Barbarian brings Snuka back in with a suplex, then covers for a two count. Barbarian with a pair of elbows for another two count. Barbarian works the back, and I sense a bearhug coming... Barbarian with a back breaker for a two count. Barbarian with a side suplex for another two count (way to rip off Dino Bravo's finisher). They blow a fucking whip to the corner, then it's the bearhug, about two minutes after prediction. How do you kill a hot British crowd? Put these two pieces of luggage out there, and tell them to carry each other. Snuka escapes with headbutts, and this match is so crappy, it put the lights to sleep. Barbarian with a slam, but he misses the second rope elbow. I typed that before it happened, but he's yet to hit that move ONCE against a non-scrub. Snuka with a headbutt for a two count, and a diving clothesline for another two count. Whip to the corner, and Snuka comes off the ropes with a cross body, but Barbarian counters for a two count. Criss-cross sequence, and Snuka gets thrown out of the ring, again. Snuka comes back in with the sunset flip... and you know the finish at 15:55. Did EVERY Barbarian match end that way? Total stinker. What insane prick said this match should go nearly twenty minutes?

The British Bulldog vs. The Berzerker (w/ Mr. Fuji):

.... Me and my big fucking mouth. Davey Boy Smith is introduced along with Matilda's Cousin, Winston. Lockup, and Berzerker with a cheap shot in the ropes, followed by a shoulder tackle. Bulldog tries for a hip toss, but Berzerker throws him down with a half-hearted chokeslam. The crowd is back to being alive, thanks to the home country Davey Boy. Bulldog with a dropkick, but Berzerker no-sells. Both men get on all fours, and this must be some sort of sick game. Imagine if this match took place at WrestleMania VIII... don't know why I mentioned that. They do the JYD headbutt bit, but neither man sells. Whip to the corner, and Berzerker with a big boot, followed by a pair of knee drops. Berzerker with a slam, but he misses a leg drop. Berzerker remains in control, with more of those JYD headbutts. Irish whip, Bulldog ducks a boot, but goes down courtesy of a diving shoulder. Berzerker slaps on a chinlock, but Bulldog fights back to his feet. Bulldog ducks a shoulder, and sends Berzerker over the top following a pair of shoulders of his own. Bulldog goes for a slam, but Berzerker lands on top for a two count, then goes back to the chinlock. Berzerker with a front powerslam for a two count, then more chinlock "action." Bulldog escapes with elbows, but runs into another big boot. Irish whip, and a back body drop from Berzerker, then ANOTHER chinlock. McMahon claims Bulldog has a broken nose, but I've bled more picking a scab, so it's probably "just" a bloody nose. Berzerker ties Davey in the ropes, and charges in with another boot. Bulldog avoids a second attempt, but gets tossed out of the ring, allowing Fuji his token cheap shot of the match. Back inside, and we get a bearhug, because all hosses have to apply one bearhug per match. Bulldog battles free, but is planted with a piledriver. Berzerker to the top turnbuckle, and he misses a butt splash. Bulldog clotheslines Berzerker out of the ring again. Back inside, and a semi-delayed vertical suplex gets a two count. Charge to the corner, and Bulldog runs into another boot. Berzerker misses a charge, Bulldog scoops him up, and the powerslam finally ends this at 16:20. Correction: what brain-dead monkey gave the last two minutes nearly twenty minutes, each?! Not AS bad as the previous match, but boy was this one a chore to sit through without hitting fast forward.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. Earthquake:

I'm going to be honest... this show has killed my momentum, and I'm just barely into trying to keep up with the last couple of matches on this card. We know the deal here. Quake hates snakes, ends up crushing Damien, Jake goes nuts. Insta-Feud at it's finest. Quake hides outside the ring to start, demanding the snake be removed from ringside. Quake attacks, but takes a knee lift to the face for his sneaky effort, then Jake plays the hit and run game (no, not Simpsons Hit & Run). Jake keeps working the body, in between stall spots. Quake takes it to the corner, then they blow something, but whatever it was seemed so vague, they probably blew the set up to whatever was blown. Jake goes for the DDT, but Quake hooks the ropes, then sends Roberts out of the ring. Quake goes for the snake, but Roberts comes from behind with another knee lift. Back in the ring, and Roberts with a short-arm clothesline. Quake counters another DDT attempt (surprised?), then goes to work on the leg. Anyone else think if this were now, Quake would be forced to shave his head because of his hairline? Roberts goes for a slam, but that doesn't work, and Quake goes all submission style, clamping on a grapevine. Quake releases the hold, then comes off the ropes with an elbow drop. Quake goes for the finish, but Roberts rolls out of the ring. Quake goes for Damian, and hey, is this move for move the same match as the one on World Tour '91? Quake attempts to squash the snake, but Roberts trips Quake up as he hits the ropes. Roberts whips it out (the snake), and the bell rings at 11:11, with Earthquake being awarded the match by Disqualification. Yep, same stupid finish to the same sucky match.

WWF Championship Match:
Hulk Hogan vs. Sgt. Slaughter (w/ Gen. Adnan):

It's time for the MAIN EVENT, and my God, it couldn't have come any sonner... as I type that, Hogan gets several things thrown at him. Did someone drop their signs, or does the British crowd dislike the Hulkster? It's weird thinking that by this point was when I was REALLY getting into wrestling, and it happens to be near the end of Hogan's reign at the top of the promotion. Hogan fights off a pre-match sneak attack, dumps Adnan over the top rope, then throws Slaughter into the corner for his signature bump. Hogan shows off a UK flag, then chokes Slaughter with it. Back in the ring, Hogan takes Slaughter over with a back drop, then lays him out with a clothesline. Slaughter does a variation of his corner bump, and continues to take a shit kicking. Hogan with a sling shot into the corner, and all of Hogan's offense so far seems to involve the turnbuckles. Irish whip and another clothesline. Slaughter FINALLY gets some offense, mostly eye gouges and punching. Hogan gets knocked out of the ring, and Adnan gets his token cheap shots. Slaughter targets the wound on Hogan's forehead, caused by the Fireball of Doom following their match at WrestleMania VII. I don't know if Hogan bladed, or if a previous cut just managed to be scratched open. Slaughter hasn't done anything to really warrant blading. At least, if he did, it wasn't directly in view of the camera like at Wrestlemania. We're ten minutes in, and Slaughter has yet to do a wrestling move... correction, he finally broke the streak wit a crummy back breaker. Slaughter to the top rope, and he gets slammed off for his efforts. Hogan goes for an elbow, but Slaughter rolls away. Slaughter slaps on an abdominal stretch, and yes, he DOES use the ropes for minimal added leverage. It looks so lazy, it would make Mike Rotundo do backflips in his grave (if he were dead). Hogan counters, but a hip toss breaks that up. Slaughter works the back, and casually applies the Camel Clutch. Hogan escapes, but it's not time yet for his Hulk Up, so Slaughter works the back more. Slaughter manages to fuck up a top rope knee drop, and NOW it's Hulk Up time. Might as well just lay down now, Slaughter. The normal routine is interrupted by a ref' bump. Adnan tosses a plastic chair into the ring,but Hogan only sells STEEL chair shots. We get heel miscommunication, Hogan drops the leg, and it's finally over at 16:25. That just seemed like it would never end. Hogan does his 5-minute posedown to end the show, and finally I am thankful for something.

Final Thoughts: This certainly was a test in patience to get through, especially that last hour. While some of the matches featured weren't as awful as I made them out to be, I don't see much of a difference between a match that is go awful or a match is dreadfully long and dull. Either way, it leaves the viewer completely unsatisfied and this tape is filled with a lot of those types of matches. Wether is was long and boring, like the main event, or an abomination to the wrestling world like that Snuka/Barbarian Anti-Classic, there's absolutely nothing here worth looking for. I'd rather sit through the World Tour tape from the same year. At least that tape features one of the decent matches from this snoozefest.

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