WWF Wrestling's Bloopers, Bleeps, and Bodyslams
by Scrooge McSuck
- It's time to kick it old school with a visit to every wrestling nerds favorite friend between the years 1985 and 1994, Coliseum Video. Back in a day before wrestling every day of the week, online videos, and PPV's on a bi-weekly basis, Coliseum Video would release dozens and dozens of tapes, from the sensible (Hulkamania, Roddy Piper's Greatest Hits) to the absurd (Wrestling's Country Boys, Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II; The Videos). We're turning the clock back to the first ever video released under the Coliseum name, entitled Bloopers, Bleeps, and Bodyslams. Should be interesting, going by the name alone.
- Hosted by Gorilla Monsoon. It's basically going to be a clip show of whacky moments in WWF History. I don't know when this was released by an exact date, but I bet Hulk Hogan's "protein shakes" bit from Tuesday Night Titans gets used on here. That one always makes the cuts on these kinds of things. I'd like to note I will never get tired of the old Coliseum Video music.
Clips from a 10-Man Tag Team Match, from the Philadelphia Spectrum.
The main attracton of the clip is a spot Andre The Giant used to do where his opponent would come off the ropes and Andre, getting back up from the ground, would use his back-side to bring an end to the momentum of the opponent. So yes, The Magnificent Muraco rams himself into Andre's ass, and sells it like he'd been shot in the solar plexus.
From TNT, Vince McMahon and Classy Fred Blassie with Advice For the Lovelorn
The first letter is about a husband who doesn't pay attention to his wife. Blassie questions the wife's personal hygiene and the cleanliness of their sheets. The second letter comes from wife who's husband likes to practice the holds he sees on TNT. Vince and Blassie seem to have a hard time from laughing when we hear about the husband doing a superfly splash from the top of a dresser. Blassie advocates spousal abuse, apparently. He taught Abie and Anne Flanders everything they know about giving love advice. No, those aren't spelling mistakes. The last letter is from a 60-year old with limited experience and wants to be hooked up with a WWF Superstar. I wonder if her name was Mae. Blassie suggests Sgt. Slaughter, Tito Santana, Hulk Hogan, the Tonga Kid (he's got a lot of life in him), The Samoans...- Iron Mike Sharpe, managed by Capt. Lou Albano apparently, takes on some guy in a squash match, and his opponent is wearing a hair-piece that keeps coming off. Kind of stupid.
- Tiger Chung Lee attempts to break bricks with karate chops. Gorilla Monsoon takes the blame for buying fireplace bricks with metal running through the middles. Fred Blassie screams jibberish, passed off as "Korean", the entire time. Another waste of time.
- Gorilla Monsoon calling Capt. Lou Albano the greatest advertisement for birth control is worth watching this tape alone. This leads into Albano being on TNT, rambling like a maniac. That part was pretty worthless, too.
Special Posedown between Mr. USA Tony Atlas and Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff
I'm sorry, but this is more than a little gay. It's incredibly gay. Atlas seems to be very comfortable with his poses, so maybe he was an actual body-builder that did this crap on a regular basis. And I skip forward as soon as we get an up-close shot of Orndorff's junk, wagging back and forth. Ew.... there's no truth to the rumors that his left testicle was considerably smaller than his right, by the way.- From TNT, and the Iron Shiek is there with his camel. The Shiek butchers McMahon's name and the english language. Shiek trains with his camel, possibly in the same way Hillbilly Jim trained with his hound dog. Vince brings out Lord Alfred Hayes, who is the worst at keeping a straight face during all of these TNT segments. The only words I can understand is him making threats about Sgt. Slaughter.
- Kamala is on-hand with his manager Fred Blassie, and his handler, Friday. They have a caged chicken with them, named "The Famous Performing Chicken". TNT actually had graphics for chickens and bears to identify them by name. We clip to later on, as Kamala becomes distracted by the chicken. It's time for the chicken to do a disappearing act. We cut away, and we return with feathers all over the place, making us assume Kamala ate the chicken alive.
- Midget action between Danny Carpenter and the Haiti Kid from what might be the Philadelphia Spectrum, and the referee is roughly three inches taller than the wrestlers. I really hate midget wrestling, and all the stupid comedy they bring. The clip is nearly 3-minutes long. Blech.
- Ivan Putski is on hand, teaching Vince McMahon about the Polish Polka, and yes, McMahon gets WAY into it. Hey, Vince. It's a polka, not a hillbilly hoe-down. Calm those legs down a little bit.
- Hulk Hogan makes Protein Shakes. I fucking KNEW IT. It's Python Powder, brother. Hulk pours some for "Awful Alfred and Vicious Vince". Hogan has a handful of pills, downs them with the shake, and promises we'll be burping powder all day long. Hogan knocking Vince's hideous pink suit is worth a chuckle. Alfred Hayes gets physically ill from the protein shake, and we all know the disposal of bodily fluids and functions is the best entertainment, if your name is Vince McMahon.
More Advice from the Lovelorn, with Vince McMahon and Capt. Lou Albano
This should be entertaining. Letter #1: The husband doesn't use deodorant and smells offensive. Albano's advice: Maybe the husband is allergic, and suggests combining olive oil, rubbing alcohol, witch hazel and shaving lotion and rub it all over the place. Letter #2: The husband is incredibly fat and asks about a fat man's guide to ectascy. Albano's advice: Lose weight. Vince McMahon questions Albano's physique. Albano gives a bullshit answer about the guide and gives nutritional advice about low-carb diets. You can eat anything you want, but only swallow half. Letter #3: The husband wears cowboy boots all the time. Albano's rambling includes deodarant for his feet because they probably smell like a skunk.- The Wild Samoans, Afa and Sika, are preparing Samoan cuisine for Vince McMahon and Lord Alfred, the latter is offended by the smell coming from their cooking station. He compares the smell to the bubonic plague. That's pretty harsh. Afa whips out a giant fish and rambles in Samoan. We get close ups of Afa tearing the fish apart and eating it raw. Lord Alfred tries so hard to refuse their offer, but eventually gives in and takes the tiniest nibble in the history of eating. Vince: Mikey likes it. Alfred: Who's Mikey?
- Clips of Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas winning the Tag Team Titles from the Wild Samoans, with more than a little help from heel miscommunication at the hands of the Samoans manager, Lou Albano. We get clips of a later interview and Albano's excuse for the loss, totally putting the blame on the Samoans, and said they should've been tougher to handle the accidental shot to the head with a chair.
- Salvatore Bellomo makes pizza for Vince McMahon and Lord Alfred Hayes. Alfred looks like Chef Boyardee with his suspenders and chef hat on. Real Italian's don't use a rolling pin. Vince to Alfred: You've got a little powder on your nose, and that might not be the first time I've seen that. Suddenly we have a live band singing in Italian. Jesus Christ...
- Dick Murdoch brings Adrian Adonis to his territory, and we get comical shots of Adonis falling off pick-up trucks and horses. Then we take a trip to New York City. Adrian Adonis says hello to his Aunt Sofie, but the woman isn't playing along. Some woman waves from a 4th floor window, then Adonis comes across Uncle Joe, who is more than willing to play along. Adonis shows us his shower when he was a kid, a leaking fire hydrant, then introduces us to Old Red, and the dog actually responds to them. It's time for some outdoor dining facilities... a hot dog vendor. I miss new york hot dog vendors. Mean Gene: I'm not picking up the tab. Gorilla: Maybe that's why they call him Mean Gene?
- We get a highlight package that's basically the same fucking thing we saw during the intro for the Coliseum Video, except with a few more clips peppered throughout. It's all basically from the same matches though, so it's not like any real effort was put into it.
Even more Advice from the Lovelorn, this time with Luscious Johnny Valiant
Letter #1: Her husband isn't as phsyically fit as the WWF Superstars. Valiant rambles nonsense. If he doesn't look like a pear, then be satisfied. Letter #2: The husband put a mask on his wife and says it improved their relationship. That wasn't a question, stupid! I'm sorry, I can't take any more of this.- Andre The Giant is being interviewed on Tuesday Night Titans, and showcases his abilities in singing the Fish Song. It's Andre pantomiming a fish swimming, or his doggy-paddle swimming skills from the Princess Bride. It's one of the most often used clips of Andre when looking back at his career. I could watch Andre The Giant's interviews from these old TNT Shows all day long. He seemed to have such a great sense of humor. Hell, how about WWE releasing a DVD of nothing but Andre stories? That would be awesome.
Roddy Piper, Lou Albano, and Cyndi Lauper on Piper's Pit
It's basically the interview segment that helped kick off the Rock n' Wrestling era of the World Wrestling Federation. Albano was featured in one of Lauper's music videos, but Albano is taking credit for her success. Lauper takes offense to this and is shocked at Albano's reaction towards her and women. If this weren't 1984, I'm sure Roddy Piper would just deck Lauper at the earliest chance he got, but instead, Lauper beats on Albano with a purse then rips Piper's shirt.- More clips.
- We come down to the big finale of the tape, the wedding reception for Paul "The Butcher" Vachon and his bride. The whole part seems to feature all the heels in the WWF at the time. The bride's face is completely covered, so we never get to see what she looks like. They start opening the Wedding Gifts. Lou Albano gives them a box filled with rubbers. Rubber bands, that is. Next is a pair of eyeglasses from Fred Blassie. They're to inspect the cheap ring Vachon gave his wife. It's time for some Toasts! George Steele gurgles nonsense, despite the urges of everyone chanting the Animal's name. Albano toasts to downing a beer, then spouts "I got a girl that lives on a hill, she won't, but her sister will." Jesse Ventura gives a pretty backhanded toast, then Sky Low Low bitches about being short or something. Albano comes over, mutters mock German it sounds like and Blassie dares him to beat Low Low up. Dr. D cuts a foul mouthed promo, and I swear to GOD, this had to be the Stone Cold Steve Austin of the 80's, except that was frowned upon back then. He threats to pop a champagne cork in Vince's face. Albano comes over and starts belching into the microphone, over and over again.
It's time for The Dancing!!! Albano's drunken singing can be heard over everything else. Hey, is that Roy Orbison playing the reception? Albano whips his guy out and starts running around, showing himself off. Clip to the bride dancing with Sky Low Low. I wonder who the masked couple is. Mr. and Mrs. X? Lou Albano yells at Low Low, then starts dancing with a female midget. Vince McMahon's commentary of Albano's phsyique is worth a few chuckles. More stuff happens until we get the obligatory food fight. That eats up about 6 minutes of the tape.
Final Thoughts: For a tape featuring practically no wrestling, this has it's moments of entertainment. The wedding reception, some of the lovelorn segments, Hogan's protein shakes, Adonis and Murdoch's trip through New York City, and the bit with Andre are all very watchable stuff. Then you have the bad, like the posedown, the Iron Shiek rambling nonsense, Tiger Chung Lee, and recycling the intro to eat up 3-minutes of the tape. I'd say mild recommendation, as long as you know you're not going to get much wrestling out of it.
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