The 37th Annual Slammy Awards (1987)
by Scrooge McSuck
- I figured with the fun I had watching the ?1996 Slammy Awards, why not give it a shot and go with another of the Slammy specials, this time coming from 1987. I would like to note, I have never seen this before, so excuse me if I don't have a laundry list of insults and puns at my disposal. I'll be pretty much playing it straight, unless I'm REALLY feeling it.
Note: I have the unfortunate task of informing everyone that this copy, straight from YouTube, is missing one of the musical numbers: Vince McMahon performing "Stand Back." It's one of the most automatically removed videos due to WWE's hard-on for making sure a 2-minute clip from 1987 is never seen, for free, again. It's a doozy, and has several times been used on television to mock Vince McMahon for being a goober. There seems to be other minor things missing from this version, too, but for all intent and purposes, this is almost the complete show.
- "Mean" Gene Okerlund hypes us up for tonight's special event, all while Ride of the Valkyries blares in the background. If you don't know the tune, it's Daniel Bryan's theme music (minus the rock music), and for even bigger nerds, Von Kaiser's walk-up music in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!. Anyway, The Fink takes over the voice-over work, introducing practically the entire roster at the time. Hell, here's the entire list, while the yet to be used Saturday Night's Main Event music plays... Hulk Hogan, Koko B. Ware (with Frankie), Ted Dibiase, Virgil, the Fabulous Moolah, The British Bulldogs (with Matilda), The Bolsheviks, Strike Force, Bam Bam Bigelow, Demolition, Sika, Mr. Fuji, One Man Gang, Butch Reed, Slick, Jim Duggan, The Hart Foundation, Greg Valentine, Jimmy Hart, Brutus Beefcake, Jake Roberts (with Damian), Randy Savage and Elizabeth, The Honkytonk Man, The Heenan Family (Rick Rude, King Kong Bundy, Harley Race, Hercules, and the Brain), The Ultimate Warrior, Hillbilly Jim, Outback Jack, the Haiti Kid, The Killer Bees, and last and certainly least, George "The Animal" Steele. That doesn't mean others won't be here, but for fucks sake, that alone ate up 3-minutes of broadcast time.
- Broadcasted from Caesars Atlantic City in Atlantic City, NJ on December 17th, 1987, The 37th Annual Slammy Awards is brought to you by: Schiltz Malt Liquor (not Schultz, as in Dr. D), Milk: It does a body good, Halls drops for those irritating throat sores, and last but not least, Oxy10, winning the war against zits. Alcohol, calcium, pimple cream, and cough drops... what, no Burger King?
- Vince McMahon welcomes us to the Slammy Awards, doing his best (and failing) to try and sound like either a really bad host or a really bad preacher. He introduces us to tonight's host(s), "Mean" Gene Okerlund and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. You're telling me he didn't pay for a real host? Ventura makes it a point to clear things up and say he's the HOST, and Gene is the co-host. They bring out the man who has counted all of the votes. The President of the World Wrestling Federations Academy of Sports and Science. Or, the WWF-ASS. And his name is Jack. Jesse: "You expect me to introduce Jack from ASS?" It turns out to be Jack Tunney, to a chorus of boos.
- Nominees for Best Performance By An Animal are... Damian the Snake (scaring the Haiti Kid), Frankie the Bird (unfortunately not eaten by the snake), Matilda the Dog (also unfortunately not eaten by the snake), and lastly, George "The Animal" Steele. The winner is... George "The Animal" Steele. He celebrates by ripping off his shirt and walking as far away from the stage as you can get. Hillbilly Jim (thankfully?) navigates him in the proper direction. Steele eyes a turnbuckle pad on the podium and tears into it, then scares the crap out of the woman trying to present the award.
- The Honkytonk Man sings about himself, his theme music featured on the Piledriver II Album. I can't tell, but he might be singing this instead of lip-sync'ing to a recording. I don't think Peggy Sue is on hand, either. Two "fans" walk by with a "We Love Elvis" sign, and hey look, is that Jesse Lee Ventura "playing" the piano? I'm only 10-minutes in, and I'm loving the cheese. Suddenly the Hart Foundation strut their way on stage and start clowning around. You have to see some of this stuff to believe it.
- "Mean" Gene introduces the Mouth of the South and the Intercontinental Champion to present the next award, but Honky won't show up into Gene Okerlund introduces him as the Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All-Time. There here to present the Slammy for Woman of the Year. The nominees are... Sensational Sherri ("I'll drink from her cup anytime!"), Dolly Parton... DOLLY PARTON?, The Fabulous Moolah ("Even the Million Dollar Man's moolah couldn't buy the award for that battle axe."), Yoko Ono ("Imagine that... I can't.), and Elizabeth ("She fell head over heels for me."). The winner is... The "Lonely" Elizabeth. She gets the best canned pop of the night so far, and here comes Randy Savage to chase Honky from the stage. Elizabeth's acceptance speech is one-sentence long, running longer than her typical moments with the microphone.
- Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II is currently available on records and cassettes.
- "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and his board are on stage, wearing a stupid tuxedo shirt. He's presenting the Award for the Best Dressed. The nominees are... a black screen! We come back from that cut-away with Demolition (looking like some kind of vampires, with bow-ties and dickies on over their regular stuff), "Macho Man" Randy Savage, The Honkytonk Man, King Harley Race (said with disdain in his voice), and the British Bulldogs. The winner is... King Harley Race. What a surprise, it happens to be the guy Duggan is feuding with.
Heenan (still sporting the neck brace) says Race wants to thank the low-life humanoid subjects (and Jim Duggan), but he cannot accept the award until woodpecker breath Duggan gets down on his knees and presents it to him. Race tries forcing him to bow, then shoves Duggan backstage, where a brawl erupts at the make-up station. Gorilla Monsoon suddenly starts making running commentary, including the line of the night (so far), as Duggan knocks Heenan into a nearby garbage bin: "The Brain in the dumpster, right where he belongs!" Suddenly a DONKEY shows up as make-up is thrown around and then a fucking Chicken goes flying across the screen. Duggan grabs Heenan and throws him at the Donkey ("I knew sooner or later he would make an ass of himself.")
("The Brain in the Dumpster, right where he belongs!")
- While the brawl takes place, an award for "Best Head" is presented by Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. Apparently Bam Bam Bigelow won. It's after this award we miss Vince McMahon making an ass out of himself.
- Jesse "the Body" Ventura introduces the nominees for the Jesse The Body Award. The nominees are... "Ravishing" Rick Rude, "The Natural" Butch Reed, The Ultimate Warrior, The Women's Champion Sensational Sherri, and the Mighty Hercules, dressed up like he really was Hercules. The winner is... "Ravishing" Rick Rude, to Ventura's delight. Rude struts down the aisle excitedly, strips off his blazer and pants... and I'm starting to question Vince McMahon's sexuality. I like Rick Rude, but not enough to see him strip down to his speedo and tease taking it off. Okerlund holds up a towel as he finishes the act... and why does Gene sound EXCITED about it? It's almost as bad as the training videos with Hulk Hogan from 1985.
- Next up, a Musical Tribute to the Greatest Hits of 1987! Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" plays as we see clips of the WWF Superstars in action. Most of the clips are finishing moves, while tossing in clips from important angles at the time, and other stuff that makes up a good montage. The nominees for greatest hits... is not read, as Duggan and Race continue brawling, through the projection screen.
Now, for the nominees... Andre The Giant (tossing the Hulkster from a Battle Royale), "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan (bopping Race with the 2x4), The Honkytonk Man (bopping Savage with the guitar), Strike Force (Martel forces Anvil to submit to Boston Crab), and Bam Bam Bigelow (slingshot splash from apron). The winner is... Jim Duggan. His speech is a simple "Hoooooo!"
- Gorilla Monsoon joins us (again) to announce the presentation for the Manager of the Year. The nominees are... The Doctor of Style Slick, who bum-rushes the stage and starts giving a speech, Jimmy Hart, who also joins them on-stage. Mr. Fuji, and I'm starting to suspect anarchy breaking out. Last and certainly least, Bobby Heenan, who is still recovering from the earlier beating. They argue among themselves as Gorilla announces with joy that the winner is NONE OF THEM.
- Next live performance is Koko B. Ware doing Piledriver. There's Bam Bam Bigelow pretending to blow on a saxophone while Warrior hangs around with a sledgehammer, no doubt inspiring Triple H in years to come. Suddenly we cut away to a fantasy of Koko out on a date at The Empty Plate Restaurant, dressed in his ring attire. I'm going to have to give the nod the Honkytonk Man so far for the live performances, with Vince in second. Not enough whacky stuff going on in this one.
- "Mean" Gene Okerlund introduces the nominees for the Best Personal Hygiene... Sika for table manners without a table, Hillbilly Jim and his line of men's cologne, George Steele for tidiness in and around the ring, The Bolsheviks and Slick for sharing a tooth brush, and King Kong Bundy taking a dump. The winner(s) is/are... the Bolsheviks and Slick. I'm amazed Bundy's butt dumpin' didn't win it. The Bolsheviks trip on their way up to accept the award. The audience chants "USA" to piss them off. Slick really hams it up the whole time.
- "A song with a bit of everything", it's Girls In Cars, the wussiest song you could ever find in wrestling. Jimmy Hart actually does the vocals, what with Rene Dupree (or Ronnie Dupree, whatever) not available. The Slammy Dancers parade around in left-over set pieces from a Kindergarten play. How can you love a girl in a car when she's riding a fucking tricycle!? This segment is just an excuse to parade women out in short skirts and bikini's. Not that I'm complaining, except for the horrible 80's hair, but it IS 1987, so it's allowed. Strike Force show up to steal all the girls from Jimmy... first the Tag Titles, now his poon? That's just low class, Strike Force. Suddenly a huge lady in yellow, with a BUS attached to her, drags a begging and screaming Jimmy Hart off stage. Is that King Kong Bundy in drag?
- "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Elizabeth come out to present the Award for Best Vocal Performances... Junkyard Dog and his growl, One Man Gang and his bellow, Jim Duggan and his ho (Elizabeth saying this is just too funny), Jimmy Hart for his shrieking megaphone, and George Steele for his wail. The winner is... Hacksaw Jim Duggan and his Ho! I guess this award ended up being discontinued for Best Buns by the time 1996 came around. Unfortunately Jim Duggan wasn't around to win that one.
- The final performance of the night is If You Only Knew, performed by the entire WWF Roster (pretty much, that is). The lip--sync'ing is definitely in full effect. Could imagine getting everyone to hit their lines properly times and in rhythm to the music? Just seeing all these guys on stage at the same time, performing this goofy song, is just one of the reasons shows like this, in their own universe, need to exist. It look like such a stupid waste of time for a wrestling show, but as a show dedicated entirely to it, it looks like a blast (and maybe a pain in the ass for people who have to work in the production trucks).
"Your destiny belongs to me..."
- Okerlund and Ventura come out to present the Award for Best Song Performance... and we will never find out, as Jimmy Hart rips away the envelope, passes it around to all the heels, looking pissed off, until it reaches Sika, who ends up eating the envelope. One must assume it was probably a babyface, maybe Koko B. Ware, but the official winner is Unknown. Ventura says if Gene really wants to know the winner, he can hang out with Sika all night and search through his poo.
And that ends the 37th Annual Edition of the Slammy Awards.
Final Thoughts: Once again, if you're all about a show dedicated to wrestlers not wrestling and making asses of themselves for our enjoyment, then this is the show for you. While the Late 90's editions of the Slammy Awards tried to play it more straight, this one holds nothing back when it comes to being over the top and cheesy. Only a few moments are misses, but the hour it takes to sit back and watch this is definitely a fun little trip down memory lane. If not for anything else, but to make sure I'm not making any of the shit up that I just typed about.
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