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JCW Presents: Legends and Icons (2011)

by Scrooge McSuck

- A quick note: I'm not much of a fan of rap music, and I really dislike ICP and their mutant followers, so yes, it's a bit hypocritical of myself to devote my time to one of their wrestling shows, but then I just sat through Halloween Havoc 1999, and honestly, nothing can ever be worse than that crap.

- Originally presented as an Online Pay-Per-View on August 12th, 2011 from somewhere in a Rock, IL. Some guy named KG (Kevin Gill) welcomes us to the show. He'll be calling the action tonight with a very special Legend: Mick Foley. I don't know what kind of crowd responses to expect from ICP fans, but his cheap pop attempt is kind of "meh". The ring already has a steel cage set up, so it's already time for our first match! Looks like David Penzer is doing ring introductions, and hey, The Bill Apter is conducting backstage interviews. It's as if someone made calls out to anyone in the wrestling business that would potentially be recognized by at least one person.

- Bill Apter interviews Tito Santana about his upcoming Steel Cage Match with Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. You have to give Tito credit for keeping kayfabe, trying to say his program with Valentine (which lasted about a year) was the longest ever, and he's still pissed off about the knee injury and surgery from nearly three decades ago. Kind of a cute nod to their past, putting them in a cage.

Steel Cage Match: Tito Santana vs. Greg "The Hammer" Valentine:

First person to score a pinfall is the winner. Give credit to Valentine: He's clearly not in the greatest shape of his career, but still works without a t-shirt on. Ditto Santana. Valentine gently pounds away, but Santana blocks being sent into the cage. They take turns teasing cage shots until Santana gives Valentine a taste of the cage. Mick Foley chimes in the difference between the "big blue cage" and the mesh: blue bars good for climbing, mesh good for brutality. Valentine gets the lettuce shred and blades (allegedly). Valentine takes control, working the leg. He goes for a Figure-Four, but Santana kicks him off. Santana pounds away, giving Valentine a chance to work in his face-first "tree falling over" bump. Santana goes for the Figure-Four, but Valentine counters with a cradle for two. They work their way into the corner, Valentine sweeps the legs, and with the assist of the ropes, rolls Santana up for three at 3:43. Post-Match, Valentine tosses Santana a PWI Award plaque, and Santana promptly smashes it against the cage (a nod to Valentine smashing Santana's IC Title, except this cost about $5). I'm not giving star ratings for anything tonight, but this was short with two guys punching a lot, working in a couple of their signature spots, and going right to a typical finish from their era.

- KG and Mick Foley talk a bit because now we have to wait for the deconstruction of the cage. That takes more time than the actual match lasted, but only about 5-6 minutes. Foley spends a lot of time taunting David Pinzer.

15-Man Battle Royale:

This is an, I quote, "Elimination for Generation's Rumble Style Battle Royale", and it's 60-second intervals. Someone must've thought this would be about as exciting as the 1995 Royal Rumble, so speeding up the clock to get people out their faster is a great idea when in situations concerning talent of this magnitude. #1 is "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan (Foley: This proves me and Duggan aren't the same person) and #2 is Headbanger Mosh. Duggan actually gets a mild "USA" chant going. Mosh plays with Duggan's 2x4 and flashes his panties. We've already been lied to: the next entry is 90-seconds apart. #3 is a really bad saxophone tune and "Rugged" Ronnie Garvin, decked out in jeans and a t-shirt. #4 is Headbanger Thrasher. #5 is Carlito, hanging back while everyone else continues to hug near the ropes. Duggan tosses Garvin out at 6:54 for the first elimination. #6 is "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka. Someone get the man a singlet! The "action" stops for everyone to clap for Snuka, allowing Duggan to cheaply dump Mosh at 8:54. #7 is "Mr. USA" Tony Atlas. He's wearing an old Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway Orlando Magic jersey where part of the lettering has fallen off. I think I had one of those, blue variant, back in 5th grade. #8 is Big Daddy V (thankfully wearing a singlet). Everyone goes for him, but he shrugs them off. Duggan is tossed at 12:29 to a negative response (Juggalo's LIKE DUGGAN?!) Thrasher is gone at 12:59. #9 is Rob Conway. Tony Atlas has been eliminated off camera, so we have Snuka, Carlito, Big Daddy V, and Conway in the ring. Cactus to Atlas: Remember when me, you, Jake, and Barbarian were together in WCW? Atlas: Yeah, you threw me out! #10 is Zach Gowen. Conway greets him on the floor with a clothesline and rips off the prosthetic leg. Carlito hits Conway with a plancha, eliminating himself at 16:14.

#11 is Doink The Clown, Matt Borne. Gowen dips the shoulder and eliminates Snuka at 17:28. Oh My God... if they go with the finish I'm thinking of, I'm going to laugh my ass off. #12 is Nick "U-Gene" Dinsmore. Doink has been eliminated off-camera, according to Pinzer. #13 is Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. Unless Hogan's booking, I don't think he's winning. Doink stops by the broadcast position and cuts a decent promo for a guy who hasn't been on television in about 15-years. #14 is Disco Inferno... he was still working?! U-Gene is gone, courtesy of Gowen, at 22:35. Viscera dumps Beefcake at 23:29. The 15th and final participant of the match is Rikishi. Foley shows a lack of Samoan Knowledge, confusing Fatu for the Tonga Kid and gets called out for it. Rikishi works everyone over and gives a Stink Face to Disco Inferno. Viscera dumps Rikishi at 26:12. Disco and Conway both go out at 26:26, leaving Big Daddy V and Zach Gowen. Viscera plants him with a sit-out Powerbomb. He charges, and fucks up his spot. COME ON, HOW DO YOU MESS UP THE FINISH!? They set up again, and fucks up AGAIN. Three times a charm, and Gowen is your Winner at 28:45. I personally would've had Gowen eliminated, but allowed back in because his prosthetic leg wasn't thrown over the top rope. Match was garbage, but it was just an excuse to trot people out for old times sake.

- Bill Apter is standing by with the Rock N' Roll Express... nice to know the Cops let Morton out of his cell for this show.

The Rock N' Roll Express vs. The Midnight Express:

(Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson vs. Beautiful Bobby & Loverboy Dennis)
It's Round 8,973 in the RnR vs. Midnight Series. I personally prefer the Eaton and Stan Lane version of the Midnights, but I have nothing against Condrey. Either way, everyone in this match has to be pushing or past 60, so I'm not watching this for quality, just nostalgia. Slugfest to kick things off. The RnR Express throw a double dropkick at Condrey... and it gets a three count at the 33-second mark!? Well... that was something. I literally spent more time typing up the previous couple of sentences.

- Bill Apter is standing by with Terry Funk. He'll be involved in tonight's Main Event.

7-Man Philly Madness Match:
Raven vs. Balls Mahoney vs. Shane Douglas vs. Sabu vs. Too Cold Scorpio vs. Al Snow (w/ Head) vs. Rhino:

I guess they can't call it an "ECW Special" Match. Do you think Shane Douglas took Vacation time off from Target to work this show? Remember when WWE resigned Scorpio, made him dress up as Flash Funk again, and never put him on TV? I have an awful feeling this could be long, considering the lack of effort required and how long this show is. I'm already confused: Sabu, Douglas, and Snow start, with the rest on the corners. They do a trio headlock spot for old times sake. Sabu immediately brings a table into the ring. Scorpio hits Rhino with a springboard moonsault for a two count. Scorpio botches a 450 splash pretty bad on Balls. Raven hits Douglas with the Evenflow DDT. Snow gives a few people head. Sabu tosses a chair into Snow's face to end his run, but misses a leg drop, putting himself through a table. Rhino hits Snow with the GORE~!, and it's good for three at 3:50. OK, so it was incredibly rushed. They could've gave this a few more minutes, but the less, the better, I guess.

Bob Backlund vs. Ken Patera:

Why the hell were these two NOT put into the "Not a Royal Rumble" Match? Bob Backlund is in decent shape for his age, but Ken Patera looks like hell. I would much rather see Petera recreate his infamous McDonald's incident. Take a look at Patera's layering of attire: T-shirt, then the singlet, then a pair of fat guy shorts. For a second I thought it was suspenders but nope, it's his old school ring attire. Backlund uses a speed advantage to avoid Patera... write your own joke with that one. Backlund continues to work his goofy style, no doubt thrilling a modern day Dave Meltzer. They lock knuckles, with the advantage going to Patera. Backlund escapes, but quickly finds himself trapped in a bearhug. I almost expected a Northern Lights Suplex. Backlund escapes and grabs his own, but hurts his back. Patera grabs the Full Nelson, but I don't expect him to swing Backlund around. Backlund escapes and goes for the Chicken Wing, but Patera elbows him. Backlund surprises him with a school boy, and it's good for three at 6:13. Backlund celebrates through the crowd, because he's Bob Backlund. They didn't do much, but did what they were expected of, if that makes any sense.

5-Way Memphis Madness Match:
Dutch Mantel vs. Koko B. Ware vs. Brickhouse Brown vs. Doug Gilbert vs. Austin Idol:

I'm somewhat surprised at how many names they brought out for this show, and really, they dug up Austin Idol, who had retired (for the most part) before the turn of the Millennium. For newer fans, Dutch Mantel is presently featured on WWE TV as Zeb Colter. Koko B. Ware wears a goofy hat to the ring and makes Pinzer do the Bird with him. Everyone attacks Idol at the bell, probably butt-hurt over him having the best physique. Koko pounds away on Gilbert while Foley makes cracks about Koko's "High Energy" pants. Some jokes never go out of style, unlike Koko's pants. Idol slaps the Figure-Four on Gilbert, the first actual wrestling move of the match, but Mantel breaks the hold and chokes Idol out with his whip. Mantel and Gilbert have miscommunication, and Idol rolls Mantel up for three at 2:44. Ridiculously short, but again, they didn't put them out there on a mission for embarrassment due to advancing ages and expanded waist-lines.

Tracy Smothers vs. "Wildfire" Tommy Rich:

Smothers has his "illegitimate" daughter with him, a gimmick I guess he works regularly with JCW. They dig deep, using the York Foundation theme music for Tommy Rich. They trade blows to start. Rich throws a hobbling knee lift for (really) old times sake. Smothers sweeps the legs and covers with his feet on the ropes for three at the 40-second mark. Didn't we see that finish already? They could've cut this match out and just thrown them both in the previous clusterfuck, even if they are or aren't officially known for their Memphis work.

- Poor David Pinzer has been walking back and forth from the backstage area between every match, probably to get instructions at what the heck he has to introduce next. Considering a few matches have literally been 30-seconds, that's a lot of back-and-forth, very often.

The New Age Outlaws vs. Kevin Nash & X-Pac (w/ Scott Hall):

If you would've told me that the New Age Outlaws would go on to win the WWE Tag Team Championship a couple of years after this, I would've asked if you were out of your friggin' mind. It's like a big ol' DX/nWo/Kliq clusterfuck. Any bets on that we get a fingerpoke of doom finish? Scott Hall asks for a survey for old times sake. Special Referee of the Match: VAMPIRO. I guess that makes sense. Over//Under for the match: 2-minutes. I got under. Road Dogg and Nash start. Nash with a knee to the midsection, followed by his signature clubberin' in the corner. Dogg ducks under a clothesline and comes back with his shuck n' jive jabs. Gunn and X-Pac tag in, bringing back memories of the 1999 King of the Ring Finals... I didn't say fond memories. Gunn with a headlock and shoulder tackle. Whip is reversed and X-Pac counters with his signature push-off dropkick, followed by a spinning heel kick. Dogg misses a clothesline and eats a heel kick, too. X-Pac stomps Gunn into the corner, and it's Bronco Buster time to Road Dogg. Gunn recovers, taking him out with a clothesline. Dogg slows things down, hooking a rear chinlock. Road Dogg with his signature knee drop, but Vampiro takes his sweet time counting. X-Pac with a double clothesline and it's hot tag time to Nash. He clobbers everyone and plants Gunn with a Chokeslam for two. Roadd Dogg gets in Vampiro's face and eats a Super-Kick. Nash covers Gunn again, and gets three at 6:22. Vampiro has join the J.W.O.! This actually felt like a wrestling match, with bumps and everything. It wasn't great, but you have to appreciate the effort.

- Terry Funk comes out for his match with Roddy Piper, but Piper comes ringside with his Ace, Cowboy Bob Orton Jr. Funk trolls Piper about having idiot, stupid parents, and his acting ability. This might be the most senseless promo I've ever heard from Funk. Piper responds saying he "Funk'ed" Terry's Mother, and they spit at each other.

Main Event: Terry Funk vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (w/ Bob Orton Jr.):

Poor Orton STILL has his arm in a cast. You'd think after 30-years that darn thing would heal up. He should sue every doctor he's ever visited for that injury. Piper and Orton attack, with Funk getting knocked to the floor, with Piper in pursuit with his belt. They hop in the ring, with Funk coming back briefly with rights and lefts. Whip to the ropes and Funk grabs a sleeper. Orton comes in to attack, but the referee doesn't call for the Disqualification. Their 5-seconds of double teaming pisses Foley off enough to ditch the broadcast position and hop in the ring to even up the sides. Meanwhile, Funk has bladed. Orton puts the boots to Foley while Funk and Piper exchange blows. Foley gets sent into the post, making this the worst ever save this side of Aldo Montoya from In Your House #1. Funk cradles Orton, but it only gets two. Piper nails Funk with the belt buckle, and Orton covers Funk for three at 4:14. I guess it became an unofficial Tag Team and/or Handicap Match midway through?

Final Thoughts: If you were expecting a solid card of in-ring work, then you're mistaken. If you're a sick weirdo like me expecting a Heroes of Wrestling train wreck, wrong again. Yes, the majority of the performers on this show were far removed from their best days, and it was obvious at times that some of them just can't go anymore. Credit has to go to whoever put the show together: First, and most importantly, never was any of the performers ridiculed for their appearance or faded abilities. Everyone was talked of with respect and dignity. Second, none of the matches went long enough to really create a train-wreck atmosphere. Pairing people together according to their eras (the Memphis guys, the ECW guys, RnR and Midnight Express) was a sensible and successful concept. They could've trimmed out a match or two, but over-booking has never been to much of a complaint, especially considering the style of show they went for. I couldn't possibly recommend this for workrate, but for an Old Timer's Day, it was fun to see guys, and I was happy to see them rushed in and out once the bell started because it would've taken away the fond memories they brought back by simply being there.

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