WCW Uncensored 2000
by Scrooge McSuck
- Team Package, Ric Flair, Lex Luger, and Elizabeth, are WALKING, while Hulk Hogan and Sid Vicious are TALKING. The Chosen One and the Harris Brothers are LAUGHING. A mysterious black limo is ARRIVING. Okay, it took two lines to beat the joke into the ground. We're off to a great start.
- Live from the American Airlines Arena in Miami, FL. Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Mark Madden are at ringside to call the action, unless otherwise noted. UGH... Mark Madden.
WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match:
The Artist is formerly Prince Iaukea, doing a dated gimmick based on Prince's weird persona (in fact, it was around this time he dropped the whole goofball Symbol Era, but that's a topic for a discussion others probably know better than I ever could). He gets zero reaction, as if that should come as a surprise. Pretty sure Paisley went on to marry Booker T, but I don't care enough to Wikipedia search that one (despite taking the time to search PRINCE... don't judge me). We're in the maskless era for Psychosis and Juvy, because WCW doesn't know what marketing appeal is. The match starts, and we get an entrance for Chris Candido. Madden with the ever-so-clever "the internet rumors were true for once", because talking over the head of the majority of the audience is a good idea. Psychosis with a head scissors and clothesline, sending the Artist to the floor. Back inside, the Artist traps Psychosis in a tree of woe. Whip and a Super-kick barely makes contact for a two count. Whip to the corner and the Artist follows with a clothesline. Psychosis muscles him over with a sunset flip for two. Hurricanrana from the top turnbuckle gets two. Psychosis with a front suplex while Paisley makes Juvy her bitch at ringside. Psychosis becomes distracted, and the Artist sneaks up on him from the front(?) with a DDT from the second rope to retain at 7:22. * Back and forth nothing match with little crowd head and the commentary more worried about putting over Chris Candido.
The Artist © (w/ Paisley) vs. Psychosis (w/ Juventud Guerrera):
The Demon & Screamin' Norman Smiley vs. XS:
XS is (Lenny) Lane and Rave (formerly Lodi), in a gimmick that doesn't bother to make any sense. Miss Hancock comes out to the best reaction of the night so far to join commentary. She previously managed them when they were known as Standards and Practices. Smiley is decked out as an honorary Demon member. XS interrupts a pre-match dance, disappointing the 7 vocal fans in attendance. Norman humps Rave and goes for the Big Wiggle. XS double team Norman to zero reaction. Demon tags in and quickly gets worked over. Lane with a suplex for two. Everyone falls over clumsily in a triple clothesline spot. Norman tags back in and cleans house. Lane with a full-nelson facebuster for two. Lane takes Demon out of the ring with a clothesline, while Norman makes Rave tap out to a Chicken Wing at 3:42. DUD Awful and heatless. The Screamin' Demons dance with Ms. Hancock to celebrate.
- Booker T, Billy Kidman, and Torrie Wilson are backstage. TALKIN'! David Flair, Crowbar, and Daffney are backstage. CREEPIN'!
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Wall:
It's teacher vs. student! Don't ask. I'm sorry, the Wall cannot be a heel when he's beating the crap out of David Flair every week. Bigelow pounds away to start, and the Wall no-sells and retaliates. Bigelow with a whip to the corner, followed by a clothesline. Wall with a clothesline of his own, followed by a charge to the corner. Bigelow with another clothesline, followed by a slam. Bigelow to the top rope with the Diving Headbutt, but it only gets two. Wall slips out of a slam attempt and puts Bam Bam down with a boot. Wall with a crummy looking running knee for two. Bigelow comes off the ropes with a DDT for two. The action spills to the floor, and they brawl near the production set. Wall chokeslams Bigelow through a table, and the bell rings at 3:36 for what I'm assuming is a "referee's decision" victory for the Wall. David Flair and Crowbar attack, but the Wall fights them off and Chokeslams Crowbar off a scaffold, through an obvious stuntman platform. 1/2* Another nothing match in a series of them, so far.
WCW Hardcore Championship Match:
Yes, a three man stable is the reigning Hardcore Champion. 3 Count is Shane Helms (wearing a mask to sell a broken nose), Evan Keragias, and Shannon Moore, for those who aren't familiar with them. I guess Knobs has to defeat all three men to win the Championship. Knobs' attire looks like a lame attempt at mimicking the (at the time) new look Dudley Boyz. Knobs dominates with weapon shots to all three Champions and gives them all the Pit Stop. Helms comes off a ladder with a splash, Karagias with a somersault splash, and Moore misses a senton (allegedly). Knobs no-sells and blasts them out of the ring with a fire extinguisher. Broom across the back of Helms, and a chair to the face is enough for three at 3:01. Knobs music plays, despite the match not being over. Way to let the production crew in on the stipulations. Karagias takes a Powerbomb through a table and gets pinned at 4:18. Knobs brings another table into the ring, but Helms helps Moore put Knobs through it for three at 5:45... but wait, Knobs had his foot on the ropes, because that matters in a hardcore match, so it must continue. Knobs crushes Moore under a garbage can, and we have a NEW Hardcore Champion at 7:00. 3/4* Way to make three young up-and-comers look like complete tools against a washed up tag team wrestler.
3 Count © vs. Brian Knobs:
- Mean Gene Okerlund is backstage to interview... oh my God... Harlem Heat 2000. Stevie Ray, along with Big T (formerly Ahmed Johnson with the GUT OF THE CENTURY), J. Biggs (formerly Clarence Mason, the pipsqueak version of David Otunga), and Kash (some muscle-headed black dude with no defined personality). It was at SuperBrawl 2000 that Harlem Heat 2000 won the rights to the letter "T" from Booker (formerly T). Yes, apparently this angle was booked by someone who enjoyed watching Sesame Street all day.
- The Black Limo is STILL PARKED. Who could it be now?!
- Vampiro is employed! How unfortunate. Seriously, who's in charge of the production tonight? I'm getting whiplash with all these quick cuts.
Booker (formerly T) & Kidman (w/ Torrie Wilson) vs. Harlem Heat 2000 (w/ J. Biggs & Kash):
The only good thing about Harlem Heat 2000 is the old Harlem Heat theme music. Booker and Stevie Ray start. Booker shrugs off clubberin' and takes Stevie Ray down with a jumping heel kick. Kidman with a dropkick, but a body press is countered with a Powerslam. Big T tags in and "sells" a dropkick by falling awkwardly into the ropes and falling on his face. Booker takes out everyone and hits an interfering Kash with the Axe Kick. Kidman tries coming off the top, but gets nailed by Stevie Ray. HH2000 with a double bicycle kick, and that's generously calling it that. Kidman plays white boy in peril. Big T tries a dive over the security rail onto Kidman, but fails. Stevie Ray drops Kidman across the top rope and kicks him to the floor. Big T with a spinebuster for two. Kidman avoids a charge and takes Stevie down with a bulldog. Hot tag to Booker, and he unloads with rights. Book End to Big T, but Stevie Ray breaks the cover. Book End to Stevie Ray. HH2000 with a double spinebuster, but Kidman breaks the cover. Kidman avoids a double team on the floor, comes off the top with a sunset flip, and Booker helps finish taking T over with a clothesline for the three count at 6:59. ** Decent, standard formula tag. Aside fro a couple of ugly spots from Big T, watchable, and so far, best match of the night (not that it's saying much).
Vampiro vs. Fit Finlay:
Undercard hell continues. Pinfalls Count Anywhere, just to let you know. Finlay is also sporting the Dudley Boyz/Bushwhackers look. Finlay and Vampiro are sporting a cast, probably a gimmicked injury at the hands of Lex Luger (later confirmed by Madden on commentary). He pounds away on Vampiro, dominating the early moments. Vampiro comes off the ropes with a boot to the chest, and a spinning heel kick from the top rope gets two. Finlay shrugs off Vampiro's clubberin' and takes him down with a rolling senton. He brings a very padded chair in the ring, only to have it kicked back in his face. They brawl to the floor and into the crowd. They make their way into the men's bathroom, but not before teasing going in the women's and giving Tony Schiavone a heart attack. Finlay whacks him with a trash receptacle and they wander through a gaggle of WCW marks. Stuff happens, the marks get out of control, and Vampiro finishes with the Nail In The Coffin (Michinoku Driver) at 8:48. 1/2* Most of the match was walking around and I'm never a fan of putting workers in a situation where unruly fans can create trouble.
WCW Tag Team Championship Match:
(Big Vito & Johnny The Bull vs. Ron & Don Harris)
The Mamalukes © (w/ Disco Inferno) vs. The Harris Brothers:
Want to know what awful is? The Harris Brothers come out to the NEW WORLD ORDER music. I guess this was the final, absolutely last, WCW version of the stable, including Jeff Jarrett and... uh... that's it, I guess. Don Harris and Vito trade blows while Disco Inferno joins the commentary. Johnny tags in and takes over Ron with a powerslam for two. Vito with a swinging neck breaker for two. Vito with a Japanese arm drag and slam on Heavy D. The Mamalukes double team, and I have no idea if they're babyfaces or not. For those who care, yes, Tye Dye Guy is in attendance. Johnny becomes our Paisan In Peril. Ron with a side slam for two. The Harris Brothers continue to dominate, doing very little. A double clothesline allows Vito to get the hot tag. He unloads on both Harris Brothers. Northern Light Suplex to Ron, followed by an elbow drop from the top rope for two. Poor man's version of the Hart Attack gets two. Harris Brothers with a Flapjack on Johnny for two, despite Vito being the legal man. Disco runs in with a belt shot (it's no DQ... wait... what?!), but it only gets two. Vito gets nailed with the belt, as does Disco, as does Johnny. H Bomb to Vito, and we have NEW Tag Team Champions at 8:41. If this was a No DQ Match, why work a straight tag team formula until the last 30-seconds? 1/2* Trainwreck material part of the time.
- Finlay puts over Vampiro's walking skills.
Bullrope Match: Terry Funk vs. Dustin Rhodes:
I'm curious... was Dustin Rhodes motivated during his last WCW run? If his work is anything like the end of his WWF run, I'm afraid of what we're going to see. The main prop during this feud, the best I can understand, is a raw chicken. The cowbell and bull rope is a distant second place. Tony Schiavone with the most honest comment of the night: "I don't think you can retire Terry Funk." Funk trots out Dustin's "baby brother", a guy in a chicken costume, not a 13 year old Cody. Funk sucker punches Dustin in the aisle and the crowd is dead. Funk with mounted punches and a DDT for two as we discuss the stipulations as to how the bullrope is to be used. Their answer: They don't know. Dustin goes low and chokes Funk out with the bullrope. Dustin with a DDT for two. Running bulldog gets another two count. The chicken comes in, complete with goofy sound effects. Dustin lays a beating in on it, because it's Uncensored. Somewhere in the nonsense, Funk straddles Dustin across the top rope. Funk declares he's changing the stipulations to an I Quit Match and sucker punches the referee. He whacks Dustin with the cow-bell until he forces him to say I Quit, but that's not the stipulations of the match, so this turd must continue. Dustin with a piledriver onto the cow-bell, and it's finally over at 9:01. DUD Bad brawling, nonsensical use of a guy in a chicken costume, a lack of sense to the stipulation of the match, and giving Funk a "visual win" by forcing Dustin to say "I Quit." Just awful.
- Send in a copy of your cable bill saying you ordered WCW Uncensored, and get a FREE Outsiders T-Shirt... was Scott Hall even around at that point?
Lumberjack Match: Sting vs. Lex Luger (w/ Elizabeth):
Doofy booking leading up to the match: Lex Luger "breaking the arms" of numerous WCW Superstars, including Jimmy Hart, Doug Dillinger, Curt Hennig, Knobbs, Finlay, and Vampiro. What a group of Lumberjacks. Luger has his own Lumberjacks, Hugh Morrus, Harlem Heat 2000, and the Harris Brothers. Mark Madden nonsensically says they volunteered to have their arms broken for Luger. Moron. They're actually trying to get over the name "The Total Package", barely, if ever, calling him Lex Luger. Sorry, I'm not calling him "Package" for short. Luger originally put Sting out of action at Starrcade, where the arm breaking gimmick began. Luger attacks before the bell, but Sting quickly turns the tide. Sting stomps a mudhole while the crowd chants "Luger Sucks." Slam and jumping elbow drop gets two. Luger gets dumped to the floor, where the victimized Lumberjacks attack with glee. Tank Abbott wanders to ringside, lays out Doug Dillinger, then leaves. OK? The lumberjacks brawl for no reason, with the exception of Vampiro. Who ever heard of a one-man Lumberjack? Elizabeth brings Ric Flair out, and he gets into a slugfest with Vampiro. Flair runs into the ring, giving Sting a reason to no-sell his chops. Stinger Splash to Flair, followed by a hip toss and dropkick. Stinger Splash to Luger, but Elizabeth whacks Sting from the apron with the bat. Luger slowly covers for a two count. He signals for the Torture Rack, but Vampiro returns the favor with the baseball bat, and the Scorpion Death Drop finishes at 7:04. 1/2* Usual work from Sting and Luger, except with a whole lot of senseless interference. Do you think this might lead to an alliance between Sting and Vampiro? Who cares.
WCW World Championship Match:
Jarrett is the reigning U.S. Champion, and he brings what appears to be a trio of strippers with him. He promises skin... if he wins the WCW Title. Dig that almost-Sid Justice theme music for Sid. Must be the work of Jimmy Hart. Jarrett tries to sneak attack, but Sid outsmarts him (ha!) and pounds away. Jarrett thumbs the eyes to escape a Chokeslam, but gets sent to the floor with a clothesline. Sid comes off the announcers table with an axehandle and proceeds to fall on his ass. They wander into the crowd, and once again, Tony Schiavone questions the stipulations before going "well, it's Uncensored." The Harris Brothers run in, and it's treated so casually that I almost didn't notice it happening. Jarrett hops on Sid's back with a Sleeper. How can a match barely 5-minutes long feel like it's dragged for an hour? Sid "counters" a double axehandle with a blow to the midsection (allegedly) and catches Jarrett off the ropes with a big boot. We get heel miscommunication, but Sid's cover only gets two. Jarrett blocks a Chokeslam and accidentally on purpose nails the referee. Jarrett bashes Sid over the head with the guitar, but there's no referee. He waves out referee Slick Johnson, but right behind him is Hulk Hogan to break the count. Hogan with the big boot and leg drop to Jarrett, and he puts Sid on top for the three count at 7:36. Post-Match, Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner makes his return and lays out Hogan with another Guitar. 1/4* Another awful match in a series of them, with poor in-ring work and tons of senseless outside interference. If you didn't think things could get any more goofy...
Sid Vicious © vs. Jeff Jarrett:
YAPAPI STRAP MATCH: Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair:
Yes, I had to put that all in caps. I don't even know where to begin with this... to put it as short as possible, Jimmy Hart was beaten within an inch of his life, and while being transported in "a slow rolling coffin" (ambulance), he muttered one word with every ounce of energy he had... Yapapi. As in a YAPAPI INDIAN STRAP MATCH. If you want comedy gold, just YouTube search Hulk Hogan and Yapapi Strap Match, and you'll find the answers to the mystery of life.
So with Hogan already laid out at the hands of Scott Steiner, Ric Flair shows up with a fairly generic strap. That's not a Yapapi Strap, that's a Crapapi Strap! You would think the match wouldn't be allowed to start until Hogan was back on his feet, but it's UNCENSORED! Jimmy Hart shows up with one of Hulk's signature weight-lifting belts, possibly the key to the Yapapi. Hogan immediately starts no-selling and pounds on Flair outside the ring. Back in the ring, Hogan whips Flair with the nearly 20-foot long strap and follows him into the corner with a clothesline. Seriously, the strap is so long, you don't need to drag your opponent, you can casually walk all over the ring with ease. Hogan no-sells more chops and chokes Flair with the weightlifting belt. Hogan with mounted punches and biting... then more mounted punches. Flair has found the time to blade somewhere in between all of Hogan's punching. Jimmy Hart gets some lashes in, because it's WCW. Hogan punches more until Luger casually walks out and bops Hogan over the head with a chair, then casually leaves. Looks like Hogan has bladed, too. Flair goes low for the sake of going low. Jimmy Hart tries to interfere and gets stomped down for it. Flair goes for the turnbuckles, but Hogan blocks him at three. Flair pulls out a bunch of wet toilet paper and lays out Hogan with it. He covers... in a match with no pinfalls, and Hogan kicks out to start Hulking Up. Schiavone's rationalization is something that needs to be heard. Hogan with the big boot, touches three corners, drops the leg FOR A THREE COUNT, THEN TOUCHES THE FOURTH TURNBUCKLE to end this charade at 14:28. DUD This match would've been bad by Mid 80's standards, but in the year 2000, this was a joke to trot out as the Main Event of anything, let alone a PPV.
Final Thoughts: The best match on the PPV is Booker and Kidman vs. Harlem Heat 2000. Do I have to say anything else? Is that not enough to piece things together that this might've been one of the worst PPV's of all time? Poor in-ring work, poor booking choices, and a completely nauseating, does anyone know where any of this is going, experience makes for one of the least enjoyable three hours I could think of. You might think Yapapi is going to be entertaining, but there's a reason Yapapi is talked about with such little regard. No Yapapi, No Lumberjacks with Casts, No Uncensored 2000. STRONGEST, absolutely THE STRONGEST, recommendation to avoid.
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