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WCW Bash At The Beach 1995

by Scrooge McSuck

- Courtesy of the WWE Network. I always enjoy digging into the random pile of WCW events I've never seen before, and where else in the pile with the Claw Machine of Lousy Luck to dig than 1995? Unfortunately I've already had the honor and "pleasure" of sitting through Uncensored '95, so we'll go with something equally unique: Bash At The Beach. You're probably wondering why I say it's unique. Well, it's WCW, so the logical thing to do is hold a PPV on an actual beach and not charge for attendance. LOSING MONEY = SUCCESS!

- Originally presented to us on Pay-Per-View on July 16th, 1995, from "The Beach" in Huntington Beach, CA. Estimated attendance seems to settle in at around 10,000, but everyone and their mother working in the broadcast booth insists it's well over 100,000. Excuse me while I go vomit up some Spicy Nacho Doritos. Even the most dense marks could see an accurate head count. We're reminded several times that the official sponsor of Bash At The Beach is Slim Jim.

WCW United States Championship Match:
Sting © vs. Meng (w/ Col. Parker):

I'll give them credit: Opening the PPV with a recognizable star like Sting is a smart move. Sting won the US Title in a Tournament Final by defeating Meng in the Semi-Finals at Great American Bash. Yes, the Semi-Finals became the Finals. It's WCW. How WWE held onto the rights to "Man Called Sting" is beyond me. They have a long feeling out process to start. Lockup into the corner and Sting gives a clean break. Meng strikes first, but Sting holds his own in a slugfest. Lockup, and Meng surprisingly gives a clean break. Meng with shoulders to the midsection and chops across the neck. Meng with choking and a leg drop for two. Sting escapes a nerve hold and goes to work on the left arm. Sting comes off the ropes with a clothesline, but Meng comically no-sells it. Meng with a slam, but he misses a second rope splash. Sting with the Scorpion Deathlock, but Parker hops on the apron to create a distraction. Meng with a sloppy suplex from the apron for two. Meng with a trio of back breakers for two. Meng rests with some kind of leglock as we pan the crowd. He slaps on an abdominal stretch, but is too far from the ropes to cheat. Sting from out of nowhere with a sunset flip for two. Meng recovers and goes for his own flip, but Sting blocks and sits on his head! Meng recovers first and turns Sting over with a modified Boston Crab. Sting rolls away from an elbow and takes Meng down with a back suplex. Sting with clotheslines and a back suplex. He clips the knee and comes off the ropes with the Thesz Press for two! Sting with a hurricanrana into a cover for two! He comes off the turnbuckle with a twisting body press for two. The Stinger Splash is countered with a kick to the face, but it only gets two! Meng with a second rope splash for two. Whip, Sting ducks a roundhouse kick, and rolls Meng up for three at 15:31. Post-Match, Meng attacks, only for Hawk to come out and stare down the Monster. **1/2 Started off slow, but they worked a decent match that was elevated by a pretty hot final few minutes.

- Jimmy Hart and the Renegade are standing by for an interview. It's awful, and holy cow, Jimmy Hart is almost as tall as Renegade. That was a painful 9-second promo from Renegade.

WCW Television Championship Match:
The Renegade © (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff:

This should be awful. Renegade won the TV Title at Great American Bash from Arn Anderson in what might be the worst match of Arn Anderson's career. Renegade's Warrior inspired music is dubbed over by even more generic Warrior inspired music. The crowd doesn't react to him at all. Orndorff with a knee to the midsection followed by an elbow drop. Orndorff takes his sweet time climing the ropes and hops down onto a boot. Renegade with shoulder tackles and a clothesline, knocking Orndorff to the sand. Mild "Wonderful" chant, for reasons I can't explain. Back inside, Renegade grabs a side headlock. Criss-cross and Renegade throws a fucking AWFUL dropkick. Orndorff with a handful of sand to turn the tide. Orndorff with a back suplex and a short clothesline. Whip and Orndorff with his own dropkick, slightly better. Renegade counters a piledriver with a back drop and throws two more pathetic dropkicks. Whip and a Powerslam to ZERO reaction. Crowd pops for Orndorff dumping him to the floor. Renegade blocks a suplex and takes Orndorff over with a terrible "bridging" suplex for a three count at 6:14, despite what looked to be Orndorff getting the shoulder up. Crowd rightfully boo's that finish, as well as Renegade no-selling a post-match attack. -* Orndorff tried, bless him, but Renegade was quite possibly the worst wrestler in the Big Two at this time, and a serious contender for one of the worst of all time. He couldn't do anything right, couldn't talk, couldn't work a crowd. He had no business being in a wrestling ring.

"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Kamala (w/ The Taskmaster):

The things I do for you people, like watching crap like this. Because the world DEMANDED a return of Kamala in 1995. If that's not bad enough, he's paired up with one of the worst workers on the roster, everyone's favorite unfrozen Caveman and Captain America wannabe, Hacksaw Jim Duggan. IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, we're "treated" to a recap of "Taskmaster" Kevin Sullivan unvailing his first asset to the Dungeon of Doom (Kamala). As long as it's not a repackaged Ed Leslie or John Tenta... Duggan threatens to use the 2x4 on Kamala, but he pusses out. Duggan wins a slugfest and comes off the ropes with shoulder tackles. Kamala thumbs the eyes and works Duggan over with his usual punchy-kicky-chokey offense. Duggan no-sells (surprised?) and stupidly (surprised?) goes for a slam. Honestly, Kamala is barely bigger than Duggan, but we have to pretend he's almost 400 pounds. We slow (?) things down with a long bearhug spot. Duggan escapes by stomping the bare feet. Kamala with a titty-twister of doom. Duggan escapes, this time with biting. We're so bored, we talk about a "Giant of a man" throwing a familiar "Giant" shirt at Hulk Hogan not too long ago. Duggan comes back with a slam and hits the big clothesline. Here comes "The Zodiac", called as such without question despite Schiavone and Heenan talking about how we haven't seen what he looks like yet, and he KO's Duggan, allowing Kamala to cover for three at 6:07. -* This sucked. Oh, and Zodiac Man is a repackaged Ed Leslie. Go fuck yourself, WCW.

Dave Sullivan vs. Diamond Dallas Page (w/ The Diamond Doll & Maxx Muscle):

This is supposed to break the streak of suck brought upon us by Renegade/Orndorff and Duggan/Kamala? They were doing some goofy shit over Sullivan's pet rabbit and having a crush on the Diamond Doll (Kimberly). That's all you need to know. Sullivan bum rushes and forces flowers down his throat. Sullivan brings him in from the apron with a suplex. Wait... his tights actually have "EVAD" across the back of them? I'm sorry I accused anyone of lying about that. Dave finds himself distracted by the Diamond Doll, allowing DDP to attack from behind. Sullivan catches DDP in a bearhug, but the crowd doesn't care. The crowd pops for whatever reasons... that reason ends up being a female fan removing her top (off screen) and being escorted away (as reported in the WON). Sullivan makes a heatless comeback and hits a diving clothesline. Maxx Muscle hops on the apron for a distraction, allowing DDP to finish with the Diamond Cutter at 4:22. DUD Short filler that had almost zero heat to it.

WCW Tag Team Championship Match:
Harlem Heat © (w/ Sista' Sherri) vs. The Nasty Boys vs. The Blue Bloods:

Hey, it's a Triangle Tag Team Match! I bet this turns out to be a mess. The Blue Bloods are Lord Steven Regal and a repackaged Bobby Eaton, dubbed Earl Robert Eaton. They did vignettes with Regal helping Eaton, formerly from Alabama, find his English roots. After an unnecessary long coin toss, we determine the Nasty Boys and Harlem Heat will have members start. Since this is one fall to a finish, there's absolutely no logical reason for Harlem Heat or the Nasty Boys to tag out to either Blue Blood. Things get out of control early, with both Blue Bloods suffering Pit Stops. Regal tags himself in and has a decent little exchange with Booker T. Eaton gets humbled by Sista' Sherri and tossed back in the ring for further abuse. The Nasties with, and I'm quoting Tony here, who is quoting Dusty Rhodes, "clubbering." And you thought I made that up! Saggs willingly tags out to Regal, which makes zero sense. This trend continues as Schiavone finally picks up on the stipulations of the match. Heenan still seems confused. It's WCW. Regal and Booker T continue to be the only ones involved enough to really give a shit. I'm honestly getting a headache from the commentary. Schiavone dubs Knobbs vs. Stevie Ray as "New York City foes", and yes, I'm going to be the douche who points out they're from Philadelphia and Texas. Sloppy finish saw Knobbs splash Regal and Saggs cover, but Booker T happened to be covering too, and we end the mess with Harlem Heat retaining the Titles at 13:41. DUD The complete lack of understanding and overall confusion from the commentary, along with the poorly structured "rules" of the match made for quite a mess. I remember "watching" this on Scramblevision and being clueless to what was happening.

Lifeguard Match: "Macho Man" Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair:

Weird moment as Flair references Elizabeth in his pre-match promo. Not only has Elizabeth been off TV (WWF TV, specifically) since the Spring of 1992, but had a very specific "no-compete clause" that was still in effect. "Lifeguard Match" is fancy talk for Lumberjacks. Would-be Hall of Famer Angelo Poffo is in the crowd, cane in hand, to cheer on should-be Hall of Famer and son, the Macho Man. Lockup, Savage with a headlock and shoulder tackle. Whip to the corner, followed by a back drop. Savage with three clotheslines, sending Flair to the floor. Savage with mounted punches, countered with an inverted atomic drop. Whip to the corner and Flair runs into an elbow. They trade blows, with Savage gaining the upperhand. They keep taking turns getting thrown out into the sea of Lumberjacks. Flair with a weird spot off the top rope, selling a shot to the jaw. Savage grabs a sleeper, but Flair escapes with an atomic drop. Savage fights his way out of the corner but runs into a boot. Flair drags Savage to the center of the ring and slaps on the Figure-Four. Savage fights through the pain of super-abreviated leg work and turns the hold over. Flair with a delayed suplex for two. Savage mounts a comeback and knocks Flair out of the ring. He tries making a run for it but gets thrown back in. Savage comes off the top with a double axehandle. Arn Anderson sneaks in and plants Savage with a DDT. Flair gets thrown back in the ring, but a cover only gets two. Flair heads to the top rope, and not surprisingly gets slammed off. Savage to the top with another double axehandle. He plants Flair with a slam and finishes with the Elbow at 13:58. ** I've never been a big fan of Lumberjack matches, and this did nothing to change my mind. This crowd is just awful.

WCW Championship; Steel Cage Match:
Hulk Hogan © (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Big Van Vader:

Vader actually wears his steam-spewing Elephant mask to the ring, something I swear he stopped wearing to the ring long before this show. This is PPV #4 with Vader vs. Hulk Hogan in the Main Event. For reasons unknown, Hogan comes to the ring with Dennis Rodman. Egomania is Runnin' Wild! Sportsman of the Year™ Hulk Hogan attacks before the bell and chokes with his shirt. Hogan with mounted punches and stomps in the corner, followed by a second rope axehandle. Vader turns the tide, sending Hogan into the cage and pounding away in the corner. For reasons unknown, Vader's head-gear is in the ring. Hogan blocks being rammed into it, rams Vader, then puts it on in some kind of a goofy comedy spot. Vader with an avalanche and the Vader-Bomb for two. He uses Hulk as a battering ram, but in the No Blood Era, cage spots are pointless. Hogan teases a comeback but fails a slam attempt. Vader goes to the top rope, missing what looked like a senton. Hulk with a clothesline in the corner, but he fails slam attempt #2. Vader slows things down with a chinlock while Jimmy Hart desperately tries to wake up the crowd. Hogan wins a slugfest, lays Vader out with a clothesline, and plants him with a slam. Vader recovers first and puts Hogan down with a short-arm clothesline. Splash from the second rope gets two. HULK UP TIME! He sends Vader back and forth into the cage and hits a big boot. Taskmaster Sullivan and Zodiac try to break into the cage, but get chased off by Dennis Rodman. Ugh. Hogan with two leg drops and he climbs over and out to win at 13:16, as if anyone expected anything else. ** Nothing great, but it was mostly non-stop action and zero downtime thanks to neither guy teasing escaping the cage.

Final Thoughts: Only WCW would offer a double Main Event with two gimmick matches I absolutely loath. Lumberjack Matches and Cage Matches. Neither match was what I would consider bad, just very underwhelming. The rest of the card might be a contender for the Worst Undercard in PPV History. With the exception of a decent (and LONG) match for the US Title, you have four matches that are complete turds or actually fall into the negative star scale, including the head-scratchingly awful Renegade and a clueless Triangle Tag Team Match that even the broadcast team couldn't explain without contradicting themselves over and over again. The atmosphere is different, but so is eating dog shit instead of chocolate ice cream. Strongest Recommendation to Avoid.

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