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Saturday, August 19th 2017.
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WCW Clash of the Champions X1: Coastal Crush

by Scrooge McSuck

- Originally televised on TBS on June 13th, 1990, from the McAllister Fieldhouse in Charleston, S.C. Jim Ross and Bob Caudle are at ringside to call all the action, with Tony Schiavone hanging around to conduct Interviews and such. Did I mention this edition of Clash of the Champions is brought to you courtesy of Robocop 2, in theaters June 22nd?

The Southern Boys vs. The Fabulous Freebirds:

(Tracy Smothers & Steve Armstrong vs. Michael P.S. Hayes & Jimmy Jam Garvin)
One of the earliest matches of the Southern Boys. In the pre-match promo, Armstrong compares this match to the Civil War. Not only does that not make any sense, but the fact both teams hold such significant SOUTHERN ties makes it even more ridiculous. The only good thing about the Freebirds at this point is their entrance music. Freebirds attack before the bell, but are quickly ran off following a double shoulder tackle. Back in, Garvin works over Smothers in the corner. Whip and a knee to the face gets two. Smothers escapes a double-team attempt, and the Southern Boys clean house, again. Hayes in, and he stalls like only he can. Armstrong surprises him with a clothesline, but a trip to the top rope ends miserably for him. Hayes with a diving clothesline, and Garvin drops him across the top rope for two. Back breaker for two. Armstrong offers a comeback, but Hayes interrupts. He heads to the top, only to get slammed off. Smothers with the hot tag, working over both Freebirds. Hayes ends up laying out Smothers with a clothesline, but now Armstrong comes in with a headbutt off the top rope, and puts Smothers on top of Garvin for the three count at 7:27. ** Too short and quick for the Freebirds to ruin. The Southern Boys had nice energy, but I don't recall them getting much of a push during their run.

"Wildfire" Tommy Rich vs. Bam Bam Bigelow (w/ Oliver Humperdink):

This one is definitely screaming for a styles clash, and I don't mean A.J. Styles' finishing move. Lockup into the corner, with no one getting control. Bigelow throws Rich to the corner, but misses an elbow. Rich pounds away with rights, but that's just going to make Bigelow mad. Rich continues to use his "speed" advantage to follow through with a hit-and-run technique. Rich works the arm, but Bigelow escapes with a headbutt. The crowd is too excited, volume wise, to match the crowd sitting on it's hands. Rich with a surprise roll up for barely a one count. Bigelow escapes a mounted situation with an inverted atomic drop. Press slam, choking, more choking, and Bigelow is DQ'ed for too much choking at 3:47. ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS!? Who, ever, books that finish?! 1/2* Next...

- Hype video for the debuting Big Van Vader, next month at the Great American Bash! I never noticed he had a walking stick with a skull on it. That's one scary lookin' dude.

- Gary Michael Capetta interviews El Gigante. In Spanish. Shoot me, please.

Captain Mike Rotunda & The Z-Man vs. The Samoan Swat Team:

Practically a rematch from Capital Combat, except Tom Zenk is in, and Tommy Rich is being choked out by Bam Bam Bigelow. The SST is Fatu and Tama (the Samoan Savage), in one of their final appearances in WCW. Rotunda and Fatu start by slugging it out. Maybe Fatu made fun of the size of Rotunda's "boat." Rotunda with a hip toss and dropkick, sending him to the floor. Tama and Zenk have a go, and it follows the same script. Rotunda comes off the ropes with a body press, but Fatu sneaks in and it's time for a face-in-peril. At least it's moving more quickly than the snoozer at Capital Combat. SST with a double clothesline. Tama with another clothesline for two. Snapmare and Samoan Death Grip! Rotunda elbows free, but a clothesline puts him down, and it's time for another nerve hold. Rotunda with a double clothesline and Zenk gets the hot tag. Dropkicks for all, but a double noggin-knocker is an epic fail. Ugly Samoan drop on Zenk, followed by a splash from the top rope from Fatu. Suddenly, Rotunda pulls the old switch-a-roo with Zenk (because THAT makes sense?), and cradles Fatu for the three count at 5:25. ** It was quick and energetic. Basically the same script as from Capital Combat, minus 11 minutes of boring crap and stalling.

Flyin' Brian vs. Mean Mark (w/ Paul E. Dangerously):

Mean Mark is already listed as the #1 Contender for the U.S. Title and getting a title shot at the Great American Bash, while Pillman was in an ugly contract dispute with new head booker Ole Anderson. The following match did indeed happen: Pillman must be on job duty, he's wearing generic blue instead of the Cincinnati Bengals look. Mark attacks from behind, knocking Pillman to the apron and launching him into the security rail. Pillman fights his way out of a side slam, but a crucifix attempt is easily countered. Mark with a slam and elbow drop for two. Snapmare, and it's Chinlock City. Pillman escapes with elbows, but runs into a clothesline. Mark with a side suplex for two. Powerslam, but a leg drop misses. Pillman's offense at this point has consisted entirely of chops. Mean Mark tosses him, but Pillman skins the cat and comes off the top with a missile dropkick. He dropkicks Paul E. off the apron, and then they blow the finish, so it's an audible, and Mark finishes Pillman with the Hot Shot at 5:31. * Complete and total squash match. Pillman's offense was practically nill.

WCW U.S. Tag Team Championship Match:
The Midnight Express © (w/ Jim Cornette) vs. The Rock N' Roll Express:

(Beautiful Bobby & Sweet Stan vs. Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson)
Law of Averages says this should be pretty good... it's the friggin' Midnights vs. RnR Express, how can it NOT be good? The Midnight Express won the titles from Pillman and Zenk at Capital Combat, and holy hell, when did they change theme music? I demand the rip-off theme from the Midnight Express! Eaton and Gibson start, with Gibson controlling with arm drags. Lane comes in with his signature martial arts kicks. Gibson responds with an enziguri. Lane and Eaton take turns making Morton look like a million dollars. Well, maybe half-a-million, he's looking kind of washed up here. Eaton sets up Morton on the top rope for a Super-Plex, but Morton lands on his feet and surprises Eaton with a roll up. They double-team on Gibson, but Morton saves, and a pair of roll ups gets two. He goes for a hurricanrana, but the spot is blown in horribly ugly fashion, and makes Morton YOUR face-in-peril. Eaton with a twisting vertical suplex. Lane comes in with a snapmare, and Eaton drops an elbow for two. Eaton misses a charge, and Gibson quickly comes in to clean house. Fist to the midsection and running knee lift to Lane, followed by a diving clothesline for two. We get some babyface miscommunication, and Eaton surprises Gibson with an axehandle from the top rope, but it only gets two. Thought it was over there. The RnR Express recover and nail Eaton with a double dropkick, but Lane breaks the referee's count, and it's ANOTHER lame Disqualification at 12:09. Who keeps booking these crap finishes? Oh, yeah, Ole Anderson. **1/2 Not anywhere near what I was expecting, but it was still good, if a tad sloppy and with a stupid finish.

Doug Furnas vs. Barry Windham:

This seems pretty random. Windham is a member of the Four Horsemen, and Furnas... was he a Dude With Attitude? He's the WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN (in comparison to Dino Bravo, Canada's Strongest Man), so we all know he's going to showcade just how strong he is. He works a shoulder tackle less than 20-seconds into the match, then comes off the ropes with a sunset flip for two. Furnas with another shoulder tackle, sending Windham to the floor. Back inside, Windham with rights, but Furnas is a force to be reconed with, and throws Windham around with a press slam. Mounted punches in the corner and a clothesline gets two. Furnas meets a knee on a charge, and Windham puts him down with a clothesline. Windham with a suplex for two. Furnas with a small package for two. Windham remains in control, working the Fish-Hook of Doom™. Furnas comes back with the belly-to-belly suplex, but it only gets two. Whip and a Powerslam for another two count. Furnas misses a dropkick by a mile, but Windham still over-sells it, anyway. Furnas tries to suplex Windham back in from the apron, but Windham counters with a back suplex, and with feet on the ropes, gets the three count at 5:41. That was from out of nowhere. ** Short and energetic. Seems to be the trend of the night, at least with the decent matches.

WCW United States Championship Match:
Lex Luger © vs. Sid Vicious (w/ Ole Anderson):

This is something that probably should be saved for Pay-Per-View, but whatever. I don't know why Luger isn't wearing his Championship belt, considering this is a title match. Ole Anderson tries to interfere before the bell even rings, allowing Sid to attack from behind with some Vicious back rakes. Sid goes to check on Ole, gets leveled with a running clothesline, and Luger covers for three at the 25-second mark. THE HELL WAS THAT?! I'm serious, what the hell is the point of that?

WCW World Tag Team Championship Match:
Doom © (w/ Theodore R. Long) vs. The Steiner Brothers:

(Ron Simmons & Butch Reed vs. Rick & Scott Steiner)
The Steiners lost the titles to Doom at Capital Combat, and are excercising their rights to an immediate rematch. How often does anyone actually win that? Other than Triple H, that is. Scott and Simmons trash talk, which makes me wonder who I would be more scared shitless by if I were to be in a position where I might get my ass kicked by them. They slug it out, and Scott instantly busts out a wicked flipping powerslam. Then he does it to Reed... this guy is fucking NUTS, he landed on his damn neck both times! How is this man NOT dead from some of the serious stuff he was pulling in the early 90's? Back inside, Scott shrugs off Simmons' punches and lays him out with a clothesline to the back of the head. Hearing J.R. go on and on about their college sports backgrounds is getting annoying after three shows. Rick in for the first time, acting crazy, but not as crazy as Scott. Simmons cheap shots him and pounds away. Rick blocks a belly-to-belly and counters with one of his own. Clothesline and a slam to Reed, followed by a roll-up for two. Reed lures Rick to the floor, where Simmons greets him with a stiff clothesline. Back inside, Reed with a swinging neck breaker for two. Reed from the top with a double axehandle. Rick gets tossed over the top rope, behind the referee's back, of course. Reed with a double underhook suplex and second rope elbow for two. Reed misses a charge, and Rick puts him down with an axehandle. Scott with the hot tag, and is a house of fire. Dropkicks for all, followed by a Powerslam and Super-Plex. Reed comes in with a foreign object, KO'ing Scott with it. Rick lays Reed out with a clothesline, and we get a double-pin at 11:28, but since Scott and Simmons were the legal men, Doom retains. Duh. *** These two teams couldn't have a bad match at this point if they tried... unfortunately, it's the last major show featuring this pair. Doom moved on to a slow-burn face-turn, and the Steiners got saddled with the incoming Nasty Boys.

"Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff vs. Arn Anderson (TV Champion):

Non-Title Match, for reasons unknown. Probably because Ole wants Arn to job. Orndorff had been out of the wrestling spotlight since early 1988, and was at one point rumored to be dead. Something about Orndorff and his character (Mr. Wonderful) just doesn't quite seem fitting of a babyface. Orndorff snatches and teases with the belt, but it's Non-Title, goober. Orndorff works a side headlock. Arn goes for the arm, but Orndorff quickly counters and takes him over with a back slide for two. They exchange sleepers, with Orndorff getting the better out of it. Orndorff sweeps the leg, and randomly slaps on a Figure-Four. I guess it makes sense 'cause Arn is best pals with Ric Flair? Anderson finally turns it around with a super-sweet Spinebuster. I never get tired of that move. Anderson with clubberin' lefts and the abdominal stretch, complete with illegal use of the ropes. Snapmare and a knee drop gets two, and now it's time for a chinlock. Orndorff comes back with an atomic drop, but a collision puts both men down. Orndorff with mounted punches and Anderson counters with an inverted atomic drop. Stuff happens, stuff happens, Anderson goes for a small package, and Orndorff rolls through it to get the Non-Title Victory at 11:36. * Yeah, this one sucked. I'm surprised, too. Both are more than capable of so much better than this uninspired waste of time.

WCW World Heavyweight Championship Match:
Ric Flair © (w/ Ole Anderson) vs. The Junkyard Dog:

Dear God, please let this be quick. It won't be painless, but I just need it to be quick. What the hell did JYD do to earn a Championship Match? Win a hot dog eating contest back in the Locker Room? JYD is way too out of shape for someone headlining anything that has an attendance higher than 50 people and isn't being held inside of a dingy Elementary School gymnasium. Seriously, he makes Flair look like Mr. Buff... but not as buff as the ridiculously exaggerated drawing of Flair in the pre-match graphics! Holy crap, I know I make ridiculous jokes about having a penis that's confused for a third leg, but I don't run around with drawings of such a thing. JYD starts by throwing Flair around, because fat is better than muscle. Flair's chops get no-sold, and JYD struggles to just climb the ropes for mounted punches. Flair with a snapmare and knee-drop. No sold. Flair continues bouncing around like a ping-pong ball. Chair shot? No sold. A CHAIR TO THE HEAD IS NO SOLD! JYD's ran out of stuff to do, so more mounted punching, and he's sucking wind like he's Scott Steiner in 2003. The circus continues until Ole just says "fuck it" and runs in for the DQ at 6:10. -** One of the worst matches I have ever seen featuring Ric Flair. JYD brought nothing to the table, didn't sell a god damn thing, and we had a shitty finish that makes Flair look inferior to A WASHED UP PIECE OF CRAP. No wonder this company almost never made any money.

Final Thoughts: Any show that features the worst Ric Flair match in the history of Professional Wrestling is never going to get a positive recommendation from me. Yes, there's a couple of good matches sprinkled in the undercard, but lets look at the big picture: TERRIBLE Main Event. Arn Anderson phoning it in, a ridiculous booking for the US Title Match, countless stupid finishes, and the wrong talent being pushed. Wanna' see Flyin' Brian act like a complete Jobber to Mean Mark? This is your show. JYD squashing Ric Flair? Take a look. If you have any common sense, then pretend this Clash of the Champions never happened.

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