THE SUPER MARIO BROS. SUPER SHOW

The 1980's were a wonderful time to be a child. No matter what the subject, it was guarnateed to be marketed towards children is as many ways possible, which brings us to this edition's subject: Nintendo. Originally issuing the Nintendo Entertainment System in the Fall of 1985, by the close of the decade, Nintendo was everywhere. On top of producing and releasing their own games, and giving permission to countless third party companies to do the same, Nintendo was puting their brand on everything, from toys to candy to BREAKFAST CEREAL. The most memorable of all the Nintendo branded products released to the public? The Super Mario Bros. Super Show.

Originally produced for the Fall 1989 television season, the Super Mario Super Show was featured in syndication on the FOX Network, typically in the early afternoon, immediately after school to attract the young viewers it was targeted for. The original Mario Show used a combination of live action and animated segments. The live action would take place in the Mario Brothers plumbing business offices (or house, or both, who cares, it's a show meant for 5 year olds), starring former professional wrestler and manager Captain Lou Albano (minus his signature beard) cast as the role of Mario, along with lesser known character actor Danny Wells as his "brother", Luigi. A typical show would feature them messing things up or having to deal with an unwanted/unannounced guest, throw it to a 15-minute cartoon, and then back to live action to conclude their sub-plot of the episode. From Monday through Thursday, the Super Mario Bros. cartoon would be featured, but on Friday, we would recieve a very special treat in the form of the animated Legend of Zelda...

...and It sucked. Really, really sucked. I know this is going by nostalgic criticism, but the Legend of Zelda franchise is in no way, no matter how you want to spin it, related to this abomination, aborted fetus of an animated series. It's not funny, it's not entertaining, and it's not the Legend of Zelda. Link is not a whining little pussy who can't walk two feet without tripping, who's obsessed with banging Zelda, and doesn't have the world's worst catchphrase ("Excuuuuuuuse me, Princess). Seriously, what were the producers of this series thinking? How could they make a character that is meant to be a fearless hero into a bumbling fucking idiot?! I couldn't stomach to watch all 13 episodes of the Zelda cartoons, but in the one's I could get through, there's never more than 30-seconds of consecutive animation where he comes across as a competant being. He almost always needs to be saved by Zelda, despite being hired to protect her and the Triforce of Wisdom (pfft...). If this version of Link is their idea of great protection, then they deserve to be butt-fucked by Ganon's minions for constantly putting their well being into his hands. Oh, and Ganon... wow, how annoying. And comical. It would be like taking Darth Vader in Empire Strikes Back, having Luke get away, and then throw a hissy fit where he kicks dirt. Seriously, Ganon is that much of a wuss, too. Just inexcusable garbage for characters that are more than comedy relief. There's my Mini-Zelda review, now back to the regular program...

So the Super Mario Bros. cartoon would be featured four days of the week, but never once did an episode follow the contanuity of a previous episode. More often than not, the cartoon portion would be a parody of a famous movie or fictional character and open with Mario doing a spoof of Captain Kirk's opening naration (instead of Captain's Log, it was Plumber's Log... I'll wait for you to stop laughing). When it came down to things, it was always "Mario, Luigi, Toad and the Princess are lured into a trap by King Koopa (Bowser), and end up saving the day, only for Koopa to get away. Yes, despite being based on Mario Bros. 2 (one of a select few Mario games not to feature Koopa/Bowser), Wart makes ZERO appearances, and King Koopa is the main villain in every episode, usually joined by Mouser as his next-in-command of the Koopa Troopa (yes, they're heavily featured despite being absent from Mario Bros. 2, as well).

Considering the time period, it was a bit ambitious for an animated series to constantly feature new backgrounds, instead of relying on familiar territories. On the downside, there's lots of lazy Animation problems, from flickering cell-by-cell animation, to incorrectly designed and colored characters. The most unfortunate part of the entire series is the voice-over work. Mario and Luigi are fine, but Toad... oh MY GOD, WHO GAVE THE GREENLIGHT FOR THAT?! That nasally, two-packs-of-Marlboro-a-day, voice?! It's not like Toad was a one-and-done character with lines: He was featured almost as prominently as Mario and Luigi, and was actually the main focus in quite a handful of episodes. Think rusty nails on a chalkboard, except with a microphone plugged in to amplify the sounds, while you're getting punched in the back of the head. I honestly can't make it through three episodes without developing a serious headache.

Much like almost every children's animated series, especially from the 1980's, there's no conclussive finale to the series. After running for about four months on a daily schedule, it was immediately syndicated as re-runs for four years. Yes, we also got a cartoon series for both Super Mario Bros. 3 (with Koopa Kids!) and Super Mario World, and much like Mario Super Show, they never had a conclussive finish, either. They just stopped making episodes and re-ran the same few over and over in syndication until the turn of the new millennium. Unfortunately (I guess), only the Super Mario Super Show would feature the live-animation wrap-around segments, and the flawed Legend of Zelda would only resurface once more in a random episode of Captain N': The Game Master. With that history lesson out of the way, let's take a dip into the archives and uncover some Halloween Havok, courtesy of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show...

First, let's look at a live action segment, cleverly titled Bats In The Basement. We're two-seconds into the episode, and see that the show, once the set has been constructed, is working on a budget that would be suitable for an 8-year old's allowance. Seriously, if I could capture a .gif file, I would be able to showcase the "walking" effects of the cardboard legs that are meant to represent Mario and Luigi. You can even see the wires working them! It's supposed to be cute, but as an adult, it looks like it's not taking it's audience seriously. Sure, the target audience is 5-year olds, but still, have respect for them, they are going to grow up into our present day's assholes, you know!

Anyway, the Mario Brothers (Mario Mario and Luigi Mario? Is this some kind of a joke?) are expecting a "foreign exchange student" to stay with them, because that makes a lot of sense to have a child from another country living in a dirty Plumbers Apartment in Brooklyn. They discover that his luggage has already arrived, and... yeah, they're brain-dead morons. It's a casket, so unless their exchange student is the debuting Undertaker, one can assume what's in that coffin. It's from Transylvania. Yup, it's Dracula. They try to open it with hammers, which means Blackjack Lanza and Rene Goulet weren't the biggest idiots in the world for using these methods to save the Ultimate Warrior. Mario and Luigi were. Dracula pops out of his coffin, sporting his $9.99 special costume purchased from the Halloween section at Walgreens, and immediately starts spouting one-liners.

"Even in Transylvania I get no respect!"

Following the cartoon segment (which featured a Mario-ized re-telling of Jack and the Beanstalk), Mario and Luigi continue to play oblivious to the fact they're harboring a Vampire. It's not like he's a cleverly disguised one, he's wearing the token Dracula costume 5-year olds wear, he's living in a coffin, and he's from Transylvania. Blue could've put those three clues together and figured it out before these two nincompoops could. You remember how I mentioned Nintendo was whoring it's name out for everything, including a Cereal? Well, during Luigi's exposition to clue the viewers in on their new friend, look what happens to be on the table while Super Mario Albano stuffs his fat face...

"Now you're eating with POWER!"

Luigi discovers a blood-covered shirt, outs Mario for watching Inspector Gadget marathons, and a laundry list of bills that keep beating the dead horse of a joke that they are, in fact, keeping Dracula as a guest. Things look bleak, but then, out of nowhere, our friend Dracula returns from his night out, singing "Here comes the sun, little darlings", which means a Beatles reference from a terrible Dracula is quite possibly the coolest moment in the history of the Super Mario Super Show. Then, in possibly the scariest moment of all, Dracula sends us to a preview of the upcoming episode of The Legend of Zelda! AAAAHH! YOU MONSTER! I DAMN YOU TO HELL! Picking their brains and finding their mama's tomato sauce recipe, they finally figure out how to get rid of their Vampire: By asking him nicely.

Well, that could've been worse, I guess. Albano and Wells playing dumb to the whole Vampire thing was cute at times, but had no payoff. It just kind of ended. Don't forget the shameless plug for the Nintendo Cereal System, either. OK, so we've got a live-action segment out of the way and survived. Let's see how an animated portion of the show goes...

Count Koopula? Let me guess, Koopa is representing Count Dracula. I would've done the Frankenstein episode, but dammit if I'm searching all eight discs for that, so here's our first find and lucky winner! Mario's Log 1014... I wonder if there's any actual meaning to these numbers, or if they're completely random bullshit. They're lost in TURTLEVANIA, looking for shelter. Could you imagine if the Mario Brothers were featured in Castlevania? I'm sure that would be quite a video game mash-up. Count Koopa introduces his right-hand man, Mouser, who is cleverly called Mouseigor. There's just no effort in that one. He doesn't even look like he's a hunchback! He's just wearing a stupid cloak! That's a faker bump than Lori's in the third season of Walking Dead.

Back to our heroes, Mario is being selfish about his left-over spaghetti, until Princess Toadstool guilt trips into sharing. Typical woman, always making a man feel terrible over the littlest bullshit. From out of nowhere, a Koopa Bat shows up to steal the spaghetti and take it back to Castle Koopa. All this over SPAGHETTI? Imagine if Koopa had raped and murdered Mario's mother. Mouser, doing his worst impression of Peter Lorre (I think, it's a bad impression no matter who he's trying to sound like), welcomes the Mario Clan and offers them shelter from the rain. Before you can say "Mario Brothers 2 sucks, because it's not a real Mario game!", they're all taken prisoner. It's nice to see that they have seperate rooms for men and women, just incase she doesn't want to show skin to these over-weight greaseballs. Toad figures out it's Mouser... err... Mouse-Igor, by simply looking at him after a struggle. When Toad is the brains of the group, you're screwed. Toad ends up picking a fight with a wall decoration and figures out how to open the secret passage.

In one of those moments where you can tell someone got lazy, we get a still shot of Koopa posing in a doorway, void of movement, while dialogue concluces the scene. This lasts for roughly 10-seconds, long enough for him to actually enter the room and do something other than smirking like a dumbass. Mario and company escape by going down the Super Fun Happy Slide, only to find themselves in a room with bottles of spaghetti sauce and some evil Spiders that I don't recall ever being featured in a Mario game. How dare you introduce new characters! Lucky for Mario, Princess Toadstool finds a Pirana Plant that shoots fireballs and scares off the Spiders. We're clearly running out of ideas, or someone stopped reading Bram Stoker's Dracula after about a half hour, so we get Koopa Troopa's being turned into Werewolves for no reason. Here, take a look if you think I'm making it up:

Now all we need is an appearance of Abbott and Costello

Toad continues to showcase his IQ of 103, dumping tomato sauce all over the floor, which is more than enough to KO all the WereTroopas in less than 15-seconds. One of the WereTroopa's returns to life, but Toad forces him to choke on a bottle after a "clever" one-liner (you've been hitting the sauce again!). We discover ZOMBIE GOOMBAS, or as Toad remarks, "those Goomba's look spaced out." As someone of Italian heritage, I take offense to a little shit like Toad refering to my people as Goomba's. Koopa captures everyone, AGAIN, and tortures them all: Mario with a running faucet over his face, Toad on the rack, and Luigi with a feather to tickle his feet. What, did you expect an Iron Maiden? This is a G-rated animated series! Toad again makes the save for the group, and mouthfuls of Garlic are used to fight off Count Koopula and rescue the Princess. 12-minutes, and she needed to be rescued twice. Koopa manages to escape, but I guess he's the kind of Vampire that just sparkles in sunlight, because he makes his escape without any ramifications. Mario celebrates the hollow victory with another helping of pasta. Har Har. Well, that ends another episode of the Super Mario Super Show... but not before another preview of this!

*Toilet Flushes*

And that wraps up this Halloween Edition of the Super Mario Super Show. Looking back and having sat through a couple of episodes, I can honestly say... it's harmless fluff meant for a very young audience. As much as I would love for these shows to be fun to watch as an adult, they mostly aren't. The humor offered in the live-segments are actually more enjoyable than the cartoons, which come across as pointless and flat. Even when borrowing concepts like DRACULA, they still can't figure out how to write a compeling 12-minute episode without countless pasta jokes and randomly throwing in Werewolves and Zombies to pad things out. If you remember the show fondly as a child, I would recommend leaving it as just memories, otherwise you will be quite disappointed by how poorly the show ages as you, yourself, age. For a special Halloween treat, I present this wonderful clip. HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY, AND DON'T FORGET TO DO THE MARIO!

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